Colin: Okay. Astronomia in Roanoake. Shall we? A (or should I say The?) galaxia class senshi; that could be biting off more than you can chew right there. I don't really seem to remember any ice in the Andromeda myth, but I'll let it slide for now. We've got a lot of December birthdays all ready. How does she feel about mom's distance? Even in a divorce that far, there should still be some warmth between parent a child. Is there warmth there, or? Why wouldn't dad be home? Also, how old are mom and dad? I mean, mom must have aged REALLY well to be the perfect woman and have a 40 year old son... Could I get some more detail on Lio? Appearance? Outlook? Chop ten years or so off of Keahi; you can be a father of two at thirty. If Leinani doesn't like them being spoiled, why isn't she mad at the mother? Seems like she's got misdirection issues to me. I'd like some more details as to why she's been nicknamed 'Chibi Ryu' Oh, and even though we do live in a wired world, there are still some places that don't really get good celphone reception, like the eastern chunk of France, so there's no way he'd be able to get reception in the exotic locales he explores. Does Lei go often to Hawaii so she can hear that she looks just like her grandmother? What kind of role did grandma play for the family anyway? Matriarch? How are these people emotionally related? NPCs are nice to have, but I'd get rid of at least one or two of yours; it'd just be too much trouble. Writing fiction novels? Has she been published? Is she any good? How does she find time for all of these things? A geode is not a gemstone. If brother is old enough to move out, he's probably been old enough to be her father for a good five or so years. Tree climbing anecdote is cute, but what what kind of relationship did this bring between her brother, herself and trees? Was she aware of the fighting? Why exactly were they fighting? Did any of her brothers take a lead while mom and dad were fighting? Why didn't she want to leave the US? What kind of personality quirks? How small is small when it comes to bouts of depression? How did it manifest itself? You contradict yourself by calling her shy then saying she's more than willing to voice her opinion when she doesn't agree. Which is it? Is she afraid of rejection because of her mother? Shy people really aren't ones to defend others... Tell me more about her and her brothers. Her appearance is too Barbie-ish; outside of the dark hair which pretty much makes her one of the nameless friend dolls, but I think the dark haired one is called Teresa. Anyway, the description you have there is decent, but she doesn't do enough physically to justify her form, I think. How does she like to dress? Jewelry? Accessories? I have a vague clue about the fuku; be more descriptive and add another contrasting color or so. Staff? what's this about a staff? I never saw anything about a staff. Explain where the staff comes from and give us some more details about those dragons. I take it the first attack isn't hostile? How big is this fog? If a person isn't attacked, how long would it take to thaw? How cold is it? Just enough to freeze, or? Give us some technical information. The same goes for the second attack. How effective is relatively effective? What exactly is the desired effect here? How much do the spike hurt? Could you thaw them in the air? If she were to be de- staffed, could she still use her attacks? If she lives at home, I guess the others there are cool with the idea of a komodo dragon, and there's no rule against them, it's just that you couldn't really do much with it during cold times, as it's a cold blooded animal. How did she expalin coming into possesion of a komodo dragon, anyway? Aren't they endangered? Well, I disagree. The myth involves no ice whatsoever. Your writing sample is okay, it shows us how she acts in practice and something resembling her guardian's personality... it's not that bad in the mechanical realm of things either. Good job. Overall, I think that you're barking up the wrong senshi for a character, with a little work, could be something truly amazing. I'm sure that somewhere there's an ice powersphere still avaliable, or another star that has an ice-association. Just refine the details I called you on and try it again, okay? reject for revisions ----- Morgan: *puts on glasses* shall we take a gander, yes? Neh. As pointed out I don't believe Andromeda had much to do with ice. Then again I'm -not- completely sure what she did have to do with. So, I suppose it couldn't be too much trouble, but at the start I'd either pick another character or different base, but let's see if it works out first, yes? Hedy> retard. Hedy's name had nothing to do with her character, but even so beautiful child of the sea sounds -much- more like a waters/ocean/sea character than an ice character. It shouldn't be -too- hard to find something meaning ice; believe you me. I think I shall beat my head on the wall for a japanese nickname. Little dragon? Why does he call her that and -why- is it japanese? I could stand a little fleshing out on the family. They seem -so- spaced out. Kudos for hollins. I must say a bit of her likes is either cliche -or- more suited for an oceans character. The ocean doesn't really freeze over, I will admit it has iceburgs (hello titanic), but the marine animals. I'd like to see a little explanation behind her likes and whatnot. Far -too- many people dislikes snobs, slackers, and ickle snakeys. Hating math and loving english is trite, the marine biology is a nice touch for a weird subject. Hedy> if she was the soldier of ice wouldn't she maybe like winter- related sports? Hedy has a point vs hiking and horseback riding. I would expect to see ice skating, but that's also very cliche for an ice soldier, though relevant. You could try bobsledding, speed skating, the luge, downhill skiing; those all need ice, ice, and more ice to work. Otherwise, Em, do we have many writers in the game? Eh. Aspirations are nice, but like mentioned - how does it deal with ice? Hedy> ... er, Morgan, my aspiration is to be a quantum physist? that has to deal with weird things and -chance- ... maf. JAAACE, I said MAF! History, woof. Is Virginia the new locating ground for Californians? I thought that was Colorado. Anyway, why did they move to Virginia? Sounds like me - with all the falling out of trees and whatnot XD breaking bones, normal, typical childhood; good. Can I ask if her father is Hawaiian (am I right?) why did he come to Virginia instead of going back to Hawaii? Relatives? Place of holiday as a child? I don't have much else to say on the history. Works fine. Like mentioned I see some conflict with shy vs outspoken inside the personality, but sometimes that conflict can be good and prove for character development (*pets Hedy*), you may want to watch it. I'm not sure if you were trying to combine two characters into one, or if it's just a flaw/strength of her's. Explain that more. I mean, I understand defending of opinions, but what things will get her to stop being shy and go bizarre? The personality could use some explaining. I just don't see how it all ties in; does she wear a mask like a few characters or is it... she's like that? Eee. Em, what's the story on having natural or unnatural hair and eye colors? Only when dyed or by birth? Anyway, if Em says it's fine I'm fine with the silver eyes, but otherwise -please- make them contacts. 5'3 and 101 is not average. One of my good friends is 5'3 and 112; that's average. That's why I never do weight XD anyway, otherwise looks are fine. Why dragons?! Agh. Explain that if you would. I'm pretty sure we have a few staff weapons already and why would see need a staff? Weapon relevance is one thing I'll probably be a stickler on. Otherwise, the dragons bother me, but hey. If you have a -good- explanation without it being related to the japanese so much... peace sign *shudder* Uhoh. Is this animorphs? I'm getting the feeling Niobe is a guardian (I'm doing this piece by piece breakdown) and I'm not sure guardians are allowed to morph into different creatures; especially mythical ones. How long does Andromeda Freezing Breath take until it thaws? How does one block against it, or is it impossible to block? Does it affect anyone? Can it only work on one person? On Dragon's Fang; how much does it hurt? Can it kill? How many can it hurt? Can it hurt her? How long does it last? Really explain that attack more. As you know I'm already weary of the Dragon thing, so maybe icicle shower or something. Do we have very many guardians like that? Eh, not so much on ice, too. It -was- a water dragon. Greece was very particular about who got what powers. I mean, the seperated motherhood from children to virginity. Things we're very -different-. And yes, that right there is... ify. The dragon makes more sense now and I'd be willing to let her have a komodo dragon as a guardian, but I really don't like the whole dragon thing. Maybe it's me, though. Writing sample is quite good. I really, really encourage you to revise, if even because I like your writing. Those are the points I feel need to be worked on, but do take it with a grain of salt ^_^. I really hope you revise and for now my verdict is; REJECT for REVISIONS (sorry ^^;;) ----- Angie: Ah, I've been lax so let's start the reviews again! *pulls out well- used pen and hunkers down* Hmmm... Still not jiving on Andromeda meets ice but... *shrugs* She's Astronomia and they're all wacky folks. *dodges a flying pocket watch* Right. Very pretty name. Maybe a bit more on her family's personalities, though? Mom can slide since she probably won't be putting in appearances but the others? And what on earth does that adventurous brother of hers do to keep himself in hiking boots? *twitches* Um, it's great that she loved her grandmother but, seeing as how the woman is very much out of the picture... That is what is known as filler, my dear. Likes are a bit standard and dislikes are horribly so... And putting "anything that involved creativity or physical activity" doesn't count as a hobby. That's what is known as broad character- boosting. Basic history is pretty good but it seems to lack something. What about her awakening? I see she has a guardian. When did that all happen? How can she be that shy if she's not afraid to argue her opinions with others? Sure she's not just quiet? And every negative or trait you give her, you immediately negate with counter-evidence. She just doesn't seem like a balanced person. She's absolutely lovely, though! Hmm, if almost emaciated! Like the fuku! Though why so many dragons? Is it because of Andromeda's myth? Um, I'm thinking that ice should be incorporated into her transformation, huh? Freezing Breath strikes me as rather too powerful if you're going to let it be used once or more per day. I mean, this attack potentially kills! Dragon's Fang is very good but you're really mixing your monsters and your ice here. Niobe is a character from Greek mythology. She boasted of her many beautiful sons and daughters thus pissing Artemis and Apollo off mightily. Long story short, they killed all the kids and Niobe cried until she became a weeping stone. *closes book* Lesson done... But I like your lizard grande dame! But where does she stay? If you're going astronomia, hon, you don't have to justify via the myths. Hmmm... I'm going to have to give this one a reject for revisions. The personality needs clarification, the history could use a bit of touching-up, too. Also you seem to be unsure whether you're working with Astronomia rules or Graikos rules. Getting better, though!