Jennifer: Don't even ask me why I feel like mentioning the writing sample before anything else. It threw me off the first time reviewing Gadreel and it still does. I have no idea why but it does. Okay, now on to the beginning. ^^; I appreciate the effort of looking up Gerald for the revision: I myself had forgotten that it had relevance. ^^; Northside seems to be a popular school as of late but not overly popular so all is good. The stats seem to mesh together nicely with the personality and history, helping to explain the hows, whys and whens of his interests and fears. The only possible thing you could mention is adding "Wants to be an engineer" into aspirations. I can see he's got the makings for it with his little workshop that you mention in history but if you hadn't mentioned this one aspiration in the paragraph before the application I wouldn't have been able to make the connection. Family npcs look good. A better description has been added to Margie, which is good ^_^ The added details for his friends are good, letting us in on who (of the huge gang of friends) he hangs out with. I just don't know how many of them will actually have camera time in the rpg. ^^ Still no problems with the appearance although he sounds kind of rakish in build. Mind you I have no one in my family or circle of friends to compare him to so for all I know that might be average build. ^^; No problems with the fuku. And I said it the first time that I love the transformation. XD Blah blah blah, no problems with the powers.... Okay, my final verdict? ACCEPT, BUT... My only little gripe is to add "Wants to be an engineer" into aspirations. That will make me happy - happy, happy, happy. ^^ ----- Colin: I'll be frank with you; I don't really care for this character. He is the stereotypical black-sheep/rabble-rouser of the family and that's been done thousands of times over in other stories. Anyway. Why does he need so many non-player characters does he need, more importantly, how many of these non-player characters will you use? You gave us a blurb about each, but you didn't really tell us about how they looked or their thoughts/feelings towards one another. Margie and Patrick just seem to inhabit the same house, oblivious to one another. The kids don't really seem very vital to Gavin because you don't really give us very much information outside of the fact that they're friends. Are there any rivalries between the lines here, or? They don't really seem to make much sense and detract from Gavin himself at this point. I'd recommend you sack three or four of them. His likes and dislikes really don't set him apart from the average high school reject-caste member. I suppose he's got low self-esteem, too? You also didn't need to be so specific with your likes and dislikes, as most of them can be condensed into single words and then expounded upon in your personality/apperance/history sections. Fears, especially, should be saved for the afforementioned sections. So he's a pre-terrorist computer geek to, eh? Are you _serious_ with your aspiration? Mind you that the during the late eighties/early nineties, sending children to therapy was completely acceptable behavior for parents to do; even if they were a little older. How are his parents sending him to North Cross if he's a teacher and she works at a diner? I see that this gets changed to Northside, but still, that's a pretty tall order, sending your one of many children to a rather expensive-high profile school like North Cross. Tell us more about the exorcisms, and for that matter, how religous are Patrick and Margie? Again, consider the times; if they were grand-parent age, I'd buy that, but not in their early forties. Which reminds me; what is it with all of your characters being of Irish/Scottish descent? I'm pretty sure Gavin at this time is just overacting, but he's your character. Why is Gavin a fanboy? Tell us more about how he started liking comics and the like. What did he do to get booted out of North Cross, exactly? Why is a predominantly Catholic family sending their child to a Protestant school, for that matter? That prostitute-episode seems pretty random and out of nowhere. I assure you, ladies of the night do not come up and start groping obviously underage men. Why does he believe in vampires and succubi? Overactive imagination? This isn't made clear. I still don't quite understand where or even if Gavin is mentally ill. You don't really give any explanation as to where his various psychoses come from other than, he's a child with many siblings in a fundamentalist family. I won't read the rest of this paragraph 'til I get some better explanation as to the origins of his strange (?) behaviors. Why does he manipulate his peers? Read above. Why doesn't his older sister dismiss him for the idiot he is? What are some of his favorite arguments in favor of socialism? Why is he blind the island of poverty and suffering that /is/ Cuba? Is Keegan really dumb or just too lazy to see around him? How is Gavin charismatic and good with money, exactly? Details. Does he enjoy vintage shopping? Where does he buy all of the pieces to his normal attire? That fuku must get awfully hot and hard to move around in. Are there any adornments on the jacket? You'd think the senshi of weaponry would have a fuku that granted mobility for which to use his weapons. Tell me some more about the fuku; these are the bare-bones as it stands now. Do you mean to say that Gadreel is an alter-ego that takes over for Gavin while transformed? I don't quite understand his inherent knowledge for weapon-use. Furthermore, he's probably too puny to use any of them effectively. Have you ever felt the kickback of a crossbow? After cross-referencing with Seraphiel's information, I find that this power is practically all ready taken. See for yourself. ( http://www.geocities.com/lexusdreamz/battleangel.html ) I don't think cherry bombs count as weapons, and the power doesn't really seem to have anything to do with the powerbase. Sure, the cherry bombs might hurt and have some sort of offensive value, but they really aren't very weapon-like. If they were grenades or millitary-grade bombs, however... ---------------- All in all, this app has some major holes to be filled, namely his apparently random mental illness, his 'cast-of-thousands' NPC-list, and the fact that in the end, Gadreel is just a clone of the all ready existant Seraphiel, which probably negates this application all together. REJECT on account of various factors and Seraphiel's pre-existence. ----- Chris: Okay, let's get down to business! Yo, IAN! We got's a Grigori here! Ian: ::pops head up:: What? Where? Oh, it's a review. Would you stop doing that to me? Sure. ;) Okay, let's get our reviewin' on. First off - Family. I would kinda like to know a little bit more about his parents. What do they like, how do they get along together? That sort of thing. Ian: Frankie is bitter.... Yes, well, that's okay with me. Dang, this guys got a LOT of NPC friends... Ian: I don't have any... ;_; None with names, anyhow. Yeah, well, you've got the guys on your Lacrosse Team. Still, that's a lot of NPC's... Personally, I'd like you to put a little more detail into them, if you're going to use them all at some point... Hey, I've got a friend who reads Angel Sanctuary... She loves the artwork. Ian: He wants to take over the world? ::starts singing:: My evil plan to save the world! Just you wait `til its unfurled! It'll go down in history, yeah! It's prophetic, no it's not pathetic, I can't believe I made it up myseeeeelllllf! Okay, enough from the Five Iron nut. What I want to know is, why does he want to take over the world? Ian: That whole prostitute thing confuses me... I mean, he thinks that they're succubi? And now he's a vampire? But, if he thought that, then why isn't he drinking the blood of rabbits killed in the moonlight, or something? I mean, this guy was how old, and a prostitute started giving him a freebie? o_< Hey, I like making bonfires, too! They're fun. ::nods:: But, I don't throw in aerosol cans... Okay, communism is a form of socialism, yes, but fascism is most certainly not... Ian: He's still putting ants in the microwave? And his mom LETS him? Okay, he's the charismatic social recluse? That just doesn't make sense., at least with the way that you've described him... Tell me how, or why he's charismatic. He's got his circle of friends, but outside of them, I don't really see how.... Ian: The appearance is good. I like the detailed info. -I- never got detailed stats for my weight and measurements. If I'd done that, Tami would make a life-size model of you, and then just use your imagination.... Ian: Eep.... o.o ::laughs:: Okay, that's a great transformation. I like it. He has to get dressed on his own. ::snickers:: Bushes.... HA! Still, doesn't he have to say Grigori? Ian: I don't see any major problems with his powers, and the existence of Sephariel. I mean, this is a Grigori. ::grumbles:: Darned Fallen Ones... Anywho! He's sort of Sephariel's antithesis. One thing with The Cherry Bomb attack... You said he could do it as often as he wanted to, but then you said it was draining... ::laughs:: Puppet named Bob? Scary thing is, I've got an idea along those self-same lines myself... Much different scenario.... Hey, if you want to give him a puppet to talk to, then go ahead. The kid's clearly out of it already. Ian: I've used the word Shan't about five times in my life, not counting reading aloud in class... But hey, if he wants to say Shan't, then that's how he talks. Wade says y'know a lot. I quote things. ^_~ Okay, final time! Let's see here... This ap has it's good points... but my problem is that it's missing lots of little things... Bits and pieces that don't quite seem to match up, like the Communism/ Fascism thing, and the vampire thing. I need some clarification here... Ian: He is a Grigori, so him leaning towards the evil side is okay with me... Just means I'd have even more reason to kick his butt. :p Still, all of the NPC's... give them some more info, `kay? This is only my second review, and I really really hate doing this... But I'd really like some clarity on a few things. Give some more details to his Parents and the NPC's.... Explain the vampire-prostitute thing some more.... Tell me how he's charismatic, because I'm really not seeing it here.... I'm going to have to say: REJECT FOR REVISIONS. He's got lots of promise. Third Time's the charm, eh? ^^;;;;