Tami: All right. I have a full glass of Coke, I have a big packet of M&Ms, I gave Icho a chew toy to play with. I may now review. Huzzah, I say. It is a review for Steph, Briony's player, a girl who deserves all my tender adoration and respect. And it's Grigori, that's just cool. Has anybody else noticed that the Angelus is full of almost exclusively men? You have Eraen and Ai for the Grigori with Virgil, Icho and Abernathy the male element, and you have Leah, Kilierra and the not-often-seen Anna compared to Richard, Amir, Casper, Felice and Ian. Just my little input. I'm not complaining, it makes for easier slash. Ah, Gavin Fitzgerald. No middle name? 18, yet another excessively popular age. Aquarius is a good sign, though, not particularly overused, and Gavin's an eccentric sort of fella. He's Irish- American? We already have Briony and Gwyn as Irish-Americans, but whatever rocks your boat. I'd like some Afrikaans-Americans, Ethiopian-Americans - hell, I'd like some *AFRO*-Americans. Is nobody in Roanoke black? Except for Casper, and he's just racially confused? What darkskinned kiddies we have are Indian or Middle-Easteners in origin, so where's all your normal racial stock? Actually, I can't speak. I have three lilywhites. Next. Daddy's the religious Irish type, huh? Oh, and a math teacher. This is great. And Republican. Well, uh, he'll have fun with Piet Montmorency. Mummy's nice, too. Wish you'd put more info on what Gavin feels for them; does he admire, tolerate or hate his father's staunch Republicanism? Does he like his father? Does he love his mother? Same with how he feels on his brother Keegan, and it would've been nice for you to tell us what school he goes to. (NPC brothers are, I find, extraordinarily useful.) I'm glad to see Gavin has a good relationship with Frankie, though. Thanks for friends info, though there are only a few characters in the RPG with strong NPC ties. Usually I find having only one or two makes NPCs work. There's Jonah for Gwyn, Thomas for Tibby, Danny and Simon for Wade, Rick for Sophie. Again, it'd be neat to tell us how Gavin feels about these three if they're such bosom buddies. Northside! Huzzah! His likes are rather ho-hum, though I giggled at socialism. Does he like books on socialism? Who're his favourite socialist authors? Does he go around calling people land-owning capitalist pigdogs? Fears go in dislikes. HE DISLIKES BOOKS?... I breathed a sigh of relief for a moment there, he dislikes classics and children's lit and romance, not books. Any reason why? This guy sounds like Sailor Science Nerd. Quoting Matt from X-E, who is my God, a virgin with an ear infection. You might like to explain the likes. I know there are a few people bored and amazing enough to do this for every app. Dani, for example. Have my babies, Dani. Food likes are... interesting. I wish you'd explain the subjects. I'm really anxious now to have the relationship between Gavin and his father explained. Okay, reading his hobbies, he's a computer nerdetto who is just slightly insane. I will now begin to go hard on you. Although creation of an 'insane' (not cuckoo insane, haha insane) character is a strong element in anime and can be an excellent addition to an RPG, it has to be done right. I know, I played Tenoroshi Kino in a private SM RPG, and I had to be helped for ages before I finally had a complete madman who stalked one-legged geese and constructed socialist cults dedicated to stealing the panties of the swim team girls. That's just a little reminiscing on my part. Alas, Tenoroshi. Okay, history! So his behaviour changed due to Christian school? Interesting. Popping ants only shows he needed a therapist or had really weird friends. That's more violent than haha insane. Remember, there's a fine line between silly insane and -weird- insane. You can't get insane without the word 'inane', remember. So mommy refused him therapy, and... gave him exorcism! Okay, no wonder he's bloody messed up. Liking comics is a part of it, especially if he liked the darker ones. And he likes SANDMAN, okay, that's another point in his insanity disfavour. Could you tell us what got him booted out? There had to be -something- , NC can't just boot you out for acting like a weirdo. Make it good. He wrote entire passages of Lovecraft on the walls. He kept on leaving bits of disemboweled frog on the teachers' desks. He continually dripped blood everywhere. -Something-! I'm glad he met his two first real friends at Northside. Aww. Weirdos sticking together! ... Okay, I scrolled down for more History and realized there wasn't any. A bit short there. I need more info on how Gavin interacts with family and the outside world. Otherwise, okay, that's good. Personality. Tami's favourite part. Everybody cower. I am the righteous queen of indignation, and somebody actually called me lately "one penis short of Attila the Hun," so DAMN YOU ALL. Stop snickering. I can hear you. Okay, a paranoid sadist. He believes things that aren't real. This is all cool, but Tami's main demand: why? Does he dislike real life so intensely that he uses his comic books to devolve into a fantasy life that isn't quite real, where prostitutes are evil fantasy creatures and where he himself is a vampire? What is he paranoid -of-? Why is he paranoid? Why is he sadistic - why does he like to hurt things? Again, I see this all stemming from his overdrive comicswise. Virgin with an ear infection. He's snarky and sarcastic. I can deal with that. Mind games, okay, he doesn't like his brother, is there a why? Does he like the feeling of power and manipulating others? Can people his age not tell he's pulling pranks on them because they're subtle, or are you implying people his age are stupid? Or does he tone it down in subtlety for those his age? Why mind games? Does he want to be a comicbook supervillain? Okay, he believes in socialism. He wants a totalitarian world government. Y'know, I'd expect to see him more applied to his work in that case. And read a lot more Ayn Rand. Why does he honestly believe this? Again, I see an overblown god complex coupled with Gavin half- disappearing into imaginary fantasy worlds. I'm having to believe this, because there's rather paper-thin personality otherwise. He likes manipulating people, those he loves, I've noticed. Nasty little bugger. His virtues! He's enthusiastic. All right. He's openminded. That's okay. He's a tightwad accountant, that's good too, he'll need that for socialism. You've set up the building blocks for a really great character, but I found this part much too flimsy for my own personal tastes - which you might have found are rather high. I am the Personality Nazi. I'm also the Appearance Nazi. ONE BIG PARAGRAPH. No. Boo. Grey-blonde hair? Sandy and fluffy? What's his face look like, where are the two moles you mentioned earlier? What's his build? I don't care what numbers you gave, we don't use 'em here in Kiwiland. Put it in plain words: skinny, built, inbetween, buff. Is he hot? Would I shag him? Heavy eyelids, dark eyelashes or pale eyelashes? Straight nose, etc, etc... Don't be afraid to slap on the details! As for fuku... bleeeeh. Again, not enough description, though I like some elements - the goggles, the jacket. However, it's not... fuku-y enough. ... No on the transformation. It's INSTANTANEOUS. It's funny, but... it just wouldn't work. Sometimes transformation can be the difference between life and death and no matter -which- senshi is, he or she says the words and transforms before you can take your next breath. Oookay, powers. Lessee... Can you describe his weapons? The effects? Obviously, due to energy rules, any bolts from his crossbow would hurt but become intangible upon impact. What do all of these weapons look like, do they have a theme? I'm beginning to get oogly due to overcrossing with Seraphiel, which people have asked upon before... I like the result of Cherry Rain, though. Shockwaves. It's just not very... weapony. Looking down at your explanation; no, you did not intentionally rip off Seraphiel. I wish you had. PLEASE READ EVERYBODY'S APPLICATION. I read everybody's application like it's really, really interesting porn, or something. I don't expect people to reach quite my level of obsession (I can rack off almost everybody's names, zodiac signs and basic appearance if asked immediately) but I'd like you to be on familiar terms with everybody, especially those in your own team. Gadreel is the senshi of weaponry, and also an Angelus - though a Fallen one - and it's ESPECIALLY important that you don't cross over. Frankly, rip off anime all you want - anybody who's seen WK will know Icho Sinclair is the lovechild of Schu and Farfie - and ripping off characters here is much more important. At least it means we know you read the apps. It's common for guys in DBZ to have the same abilities, but we're not DBZ. I'm not 100% objecting to your powerbase - there's just SO many things you can do with weapons, you need to change things. Instead of having so many weapons, how about him being able to use EVERYTHING as a weapon? A rock? A leaf? A stick? Another senshi? A piece of paper? A suggestion would be to have him be like those awful characters in martial arts movies who can kill people using two pens and a pocket watch. As for power, why not affect other people's weapons? A hell of a lot of people have 'em. Heck, you could cut a huge line by being the only senshi able to wield other people's weapons AGAINST them. It'd be quite funny to see him rip Neptune's triton off him and proceed to kick his ass with it, or steal Gabriel's sword, or have him have a complete duel with Seraphiel by just nicking whatever he brought out weaponwise. 'Weapons' as a powerbase is just SO wide, I'll kick you in the ass if you make Gavin another senshi. Use Gadreel wisely. Use the Force, Luke. I like your writing sample, though suggestions: Exclamation marks are not your friend unless you are JeffK, who is the only person on earth who can pull it off. LOL!!!111. Also, commas. Otherwise I found it funny. (Though, really, looking at Gavin in entirety, he can be seen as just a slightly diverse Hunter Gryphon. And Hunter is my honey. Hell, exchange the names and bring Hunter back if you're just looking for a senshi who's cuckoo.) This application has great ideas and you've formed amazing building blocks to what could be a nice senshi to add to the team. However, there were some areas which we both know need working on, power sphere, personality, history, etc... So I'll label this a Reject- Revise with the special note from me to get the damn boy back in here, okay? ----- Jenny~Pie: Hey an Angelus review for Roanoke. Talk about a rarity. Gwyn: I don't see you making any... No way! I love my team! *Waves a GO ROMANUS banner* Gwyn: Well, I never said my creator was particularly -sane-, did I? On with the review! First off, the name meaning confuses me. "Little hawk of spear warrior"? Uh. Its not terribly important, but... It conjures up images of that little chicken hawk in the old Warner Bros. cartoons who wanted to eat the giant rooster guy ... which is cool, actually, now that I think about it! Gwyn: Not -sane-. You know what's a better name? HUNTER GRYPHON!!!! *both Jen and Gwyn wave WHERE'S GRYPHON? banners* Okay, promise not to mention Hunter anymore. *reads on* Oh come on! He's Irish! He's HUNTER!!!! His friggin' dad's name is PADDY! If he's not Briony's brother, I declare him to be too Irish! We shouldn't stuff Smyth with Irish characters. *Gwyn gasps and backs away in shock* Gwyn: JENNIFER VIRGINIA SLATTERY, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!!???!!!! *Jen blushes* I meant too Irish not to be Hunter. Briony was super Irish... change the subject. Gwyn: Wow, he .. uh... has a lot of friends! Too many maybe, though I love the detail. The girlfriend "Charlie" is a cool character. Mostly cuz she's 'the proper body weight for her height' *smirk* Though she'll leave him, I suppose, because no senshi is capable of sustaining a "healthy" relationship for long. With the exception of Theresa, who I expect, has a boyfriend who loves to be ignored and have a girlfriend who lies and keeps secrets. Good for her. His music is cool, I love A Perfect Circle. Extra five hundred points! *makes fiv e hundred little marks on scorecard* Gwyn: Since when do we use a point system? We don't! *throws card over shoulder* He has normal fears and dislikes. That's cool. Whatever with the school subjects. He can love and hate it as much as he wants. Gwyn: Hunter Gryphon would know wether he liked it or not! Yes, I do believe he would've. Let's stop bringing it up. Gwyn: *teary eyed* He came to my birthday party. HE DOES NOT EXIST. *clears throat* His color is brown? What kind of brown exactly, dear? He's a computer hacker? Make his color beige! Gwyn: He can't want to take over the world!!!! Lissie is taking over the world!!! She's gonna be the greatest, prettiest, most excellent world dictator ever!!!! *cough* Yeah, that is kind of Lissie's bag, baby. I wouldn't want to go to head to head with that nutbar, personally. And didn't someone already pick Amethyst as a gemstone? Gwyn: Whoops. Poor parents sent the kid to Catholic school. Don't know what they expected... *Jen twitches happily* I -liked- Catholic school! Its much better than regular school. Who needs recess when we have Church!?! *scowls darkly* Everyone will pay. Gwyn: Hey, I don't think that the ants thing was that bad! In fact, I'm curious now that you've mentioned it. Kids do stuff like that! They gave him an exorcism!!??!!! WHAT??? *rants for an hour* AND THEY WONDER WHAT MESSED HIM UP? He was like, what, seven years old and they treated him like a nutcase for popping ants in the microwave? This is child abuse! I hate to say that I don't see how he could NOT end up in an institution after being exorcised as a child! Gwyn: I mean, hell, just seeing the -movie- damaged me as a kid! Really though, you keep saying he's so weird, but you don't tell us exactly how. I keep seeing scenes of Donnie Darko in my head, and I'm pretty sure it was nothing like that... *eyes Gwyn in a giant blue rabbit suit behind her, with wide, crazy eyes* Anyway... He's right about the prostitutes. They don't have mandated health screenings like I think they do in Europe, or at least Amsterdame... who know's what you'll catch from those skeevie ho's.... NOBODY LIKES CLOWNS! WHY DO THEY STILL EXIST? WHY? I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO LOOKS AT A CLOWN AND GOES 'OH YAY! A CLOWN! LET'S GO NEAR IT!' EVERYONE JUST LOOKS AND SAYS WHY THE FUCK DO WE STILL HAVE CLOWNS IN OUR SOCIETY??? THEY AREN'T EVEN FUNNY!!!! *pant, pant* I think Gavin is your standard middle kid syndrome case. He's not nuts. SO he picks on his younger brother? So what? And you even said he pops ants cuz his mom doesn't like it, classic cry for attention. He's just not yelling "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha." Because no one is annoying as Jan Brady. Now -that- bitch was crazy! And he doesn't need to have grey hair, cuz doesn't Talos have grey hair. Jesus, we have done just about everything in this RPG, haven't we? Gwyn: No way, forcing ourselves to come up with even wierder-than-the-norm shit is awesome! Stuff like trench coats over football jerseys!!!! And FUKUS with GOGGLES! YES!!!! Excellent fuku, I commend ya. HE HAS TO CHANGE INTO HIS FUKU!!!!! I LOVE IT!! *laughs for an hour or so* Gwyn: Ha, ha, the puppet idea is funny though. Maybe he is a little twisted. Though I don't think we can actually have a puppet guardian. *wipes tears of hillarity from eyes* AH, the powers though. I'm sure you can come up with something better hon. I'm not gonna make suggestions, though if you need em, I got em. DON'T CHANGE THE POWER SPHERE, ITS A GOOD ONE! All in all, I have to say reject for revisions. The character has a lot of cool elements that I must see come to pass. But you know what I really want? Gwyn: Hunter!!!! Yeah, we want Hunter damn it! Give Hunter the cool transformation, he deserves it. And God help you if you decide to exorcise him as a child, Steph, cuz I'll come to your house and hurt ya. Gwyn: She'll do it! You'll be spanked with moon rocks. It was a cool app to read though, I really enjoyed it. Gwyn: If you couldn't tell by the constant ranting throughout the review... I'm gonna start a petition to bring back Hunter. *dons a WE WANT HUNTER badge* ----- Chris: Yo, Ian! Reviewin' time! Remember Gavin, the Grigori? Well, he's back. Ian: Grr! I don't like Grigori. Yes, yes, I know. Anywho, let's get this thing on! Alrighty, you've given some more info to his parents, smashing. Ian: You've also toned down on the family members. That's a good thing. ::nods:: And you've given some more info to the NPCs, and cut a couple out. Good, it was just too confusing before. Hey... I -love- the Classics... They're good books! ::waves around his copy of `The Iliad':: So, taking over the world is his actual aspiration... Okay, just as long as you explain it later on! And no more prostitute-succubae- vampire-thing! Ian: You know, in college, we call 5th years `Super Seniors' ... Just a random observation! And you spruced up the whole Socialism thing! Woot! And he does have good things. Good. It's bad to have a character that's all bad. Ian: ::holds up a picture of Tourmaline:: Oh, shut up, you. One question about his fuku... can he use his powers if he hasn't put on his clothes yet, but has said the henshin phrase? Just a thought... Like, could he do that cherry bomb thing as a distraction (but since he's still in regular clothes, he's recognizable) to change and fully become Gadreel? Ian: Well, since everybody else has said it... That weapon summoning looks like it might have to go... Limit it to like one weapon, or maybe two. June: Why, Bob reminds me of my dear Betty. ^_^ June, dear, I'm still working on you. ::herds her back to the `Characters in the Works Room' Okay, if you need help with powers, how about I try my hand at it? 1. A power that blunts all opposing senshi weapons for a time. 2. A power like `Weapon Break' from FF tactics, where he can break another senshi's weapon for a battle. 3. A power called `Crosshairs' or something where he `sets another senshi in his sights' (and take that however you want to, like crossing his fingers, or some sort of object) then in essence, shoots the target with energy, or maybe it makes them very easy to hit, or something of that nature. Okay, final anaysis... As covered in another review, his personality still needs just a little touching up here and there. Tami worded it much better than I could, so just go re-read her stuff. And since everyone else has had a problem with that power, it's going to have to go. Go ahead and use my suggestions if you want to, or make up something else. And, who the spoon is this Hunter guy, anywho? :-\ ?? I'm gonna have to say REJECT for REVISIONS, for powers and personality. He's still got lots promise to him, just keep at it. It was much better this time around than the last. ::thumbs up::