Legend: Okay, this is my first time reviewing, so you'll have to pardon if I'm waaay off... but here goes! Maya: Do you really think that you should say that sort of thing ahead of time? You might make them nervous, you know. Legend: If the other peeps don't agree with me on stuff then my review won't be given to this dude, so don't worry about it! Maya: *sweatdrops, but keeps quiet* First off yay! Weaponry! Maya: *sweatdrops again* Legend: And I love the last name, but of course, I'm a bit partial...my best friend's last name is Fitzgerald.. Basic stuff checks out with me.. Mom was a bit older than most when he was born, but that's okay, it happens..she's not TOO old...a little more detail wouldn't hurt on them...like exactly what do you mean by, "Acts as all good wives should...or at least she believes so." does that mean like, barefoot and pregnant deal, or what? Father's okay...I know what it's like to have a parent that's a teacher, my mom teaches preschool... Maya: Ooh! Let me help for a bit! About Keegan: why do his parents let him be lazy all the time? You'd think a kid with a teacher for a parent might be pressured to be say, studying rather than watching TV and eating twinkies, right? Oh! and a kleptomaniac too! There could be a sign of.. Legend: Maya, please, this isn't a therapy session...Now, on to the next brother... Maya: Man, this is going to be a long review if we keep this up. Legend: Who cares? Anyways..man, a lot of hostility going on! Dad's bitter, Frankie's bitter...I can't recall, was Keegan bitter too? No, that's right, just lazy..hmmm likes engineering, Math...must be a bi- product of having a Math-oriented father, right? Did his father pressure him into liking Math? Oh, and a little note...if you're going to reference to his sister like you did, you might want to put her first...perhaps put them in order from oldest to youngest rather than the other way 'round? Just for clarity's sake...and because I'm a bit confused by it.. Maya: Everything confuses you.. Legend: Hush! Lessee...ah yes, a sister too! Ooh and a Psych major! Maya, you ought to like that. Maya: Whoopee.. Legend: Anyways...she seems all right, although there's not much on her personality...less even than the other two..but since this is still just family we're talking about, I guess I should be a bit less picky..Why would a psychology and philosophy nut want to be a historian? Just out of curiosity, of course...I mean, I could understand if you mentioned her liking social sciences classes 'n stuff..but maybe something else for her desires, like a counselor or therapist if she's that into the mind? Next family member..boy he does have a rather large family, doesn't he? even less personality than the others...did you just get tired of writing out personalities? I mean...at first you're rather detailed, and then they keep getting less and less specific..I won't harp on that too much more...Sister in law..hmm a ditzy med student? Ooh that'll be fun...I don't want her operating on me, that's for sure! Hmm...Likes check out with me, as they're diverse enough, and detailed enough..as do dislikes..it's interesting that he likes comics but seems to hate Marvel Comics..I'm afraid of Clowns too! and Bees! lessee...foods check out okay with me...so does subjects...*laugh* Colour's okay, we don't have many Brownies...and I rather like the hobbies, even though personally I'd never get along with the guy...those sort of things seem just kinda mean ;-) Ah! Another megalomaniac! Somebody quick, find Jace! On to History...why did he get kicked out of North Cross? that's kinda important, you know..they don't just kick you out of school for no reason..*laughs about the ants a bit* not that I approve of sticking ants in the microwave, mind you, but it is kinda funny...Heeey! I think I feel insulted! I like Dungeons and Dragons and Video games... Maya: That's because you're a nerd too. Legend: You watch it, girlie! I'm sensing some serious retribution in your near future! Maya: ahem, can we get back to the bio now? Legend: Huh? Oh, yah, sure..ooh fun, a dumb jock buddy too...anyways, the bit about him not minding not having friends and stuff was getting a bit redundant, if you'd like to straighten that out a bit 'n stuff..On to Personality..I know about the Christian families thing, I'm the psycho child in mine...sort of..of course, my sister's the one who goes through therapy...*sigh* anyways...about the sunlight thing, is it a fear or isn't it? Please don't contradict yourself, it confuses me more, and I'm bad enough as it is. He tried to "pick off" a clown? I'm not sure that's exactly the work you're looking for...perhaps "Tick off"? Why does he dislike clowns? why does he dislike sunlight? why does he dislike all the other stuff he dislikes? are there traumatic experiences involved? Did his parents tell him they were evil? what? Oh wait, you covered the reason for prostitutes a bit..but why does he think they're succubi? Maya: Sounds like a psychological disorder to me...absolute paranoia..you might mention that somewhere...and you'd think his parents would take him to a therapist for it too.. Legend: For once I'm in agreement with you, Psyche...most parents tend to notice behavior as odd as all this, and you'd think that especially since they're supposedly a very strict Catholic family they'd be trying to do something about it, right? And while his sadistic behaviors are rather interesting, you'd think that some of them might get him into trouble...perhaps he's had a few run-ins with the law? Of course, then he'd probably being seeing a therapist as well, 'cause they'd definitely notice something was wrong then. Explosives ARE kinda illegal and all...how does he get ahold of this stuff? Now, about torturing his brother...that's all normal sibling rivalry stuff..I can understand, I often do evil sadistic things to my brother like (gasp) stealing his playstation controllers and hiding them in the closet...but what sort of evil things does he do exactly? Appearance checks out with me... Maya: Yah, you have no problems with strange hair colours...look at me with my beautiful purple streaks and my wonderful one green one blue eyes..ooh! Aviator jacket! and goggles! Does he fly? I love flying planes! Legend: heh, maybe if you revise this guy enough and shove him in Rome rather than Roanoke... Maya: Don't you dare listen to her... Legend: Anyways, I personally like his fuku...it's very different from the fuku's I've seen for the guys..umm except we really didn't need to know about his boxers, since we'll *hopefully* not be seeing those...Transformation is a bit blah...you can think of something better, really! I won't mind a bit! *grins* Powers are okay, I guess...I kinda like the multi-weapon...that's kinda fun... Maya: Oh go play with your scimitar...I'll finish up. Cherry Rain sounds decent to me..shockwaves? what sort of shockwaves? Are they psychic ones? or sound ones? or what? and umm...what do they do? Do they just stun the enemy? How often can he do this? How many cherry bombs? how long do they last? Do they sometimes hit members of his own team? His guardian's a puppet? Legend: Okay, you're really taking that much too seriously, Maya...ooh! a reference to X-1999! I love that movie *gets all starry eyed* Rest of the explanation checks out with me..The writing sample is basically good too..although I'm not positive on whatever constructive errors might be there...I mean, I'm not the best person to ask that..when I write I have absolutely no regard for construction..grammar and spelling, yes, construction, no... Anyways...I'm not sure if any of this is right at all, but that's what I think..and if I missed anything I'm sure somebody else will catch it, 'cause they catch EVERYTHING...Final Verdict: Reject for Revisions..there are just too many little things...but I definitely want you to try again! He could be really kewl if there was just a bit more...behind the basics, ya know? ----- Lauren: Here I go again! =) First off, I don't know whether to award you with cool points or take them away for using Gordon Korman's signature name. *giggles* If that's what you were going for, I'm very amused . . . if not, ignore me. Weaponry! Now that's a cool powerbase. And Grigori senshi . . . the Angelus senshi are really filling up lately, aren't they? A good choice, nonetheless. Is his name relevant at all? Family . . . whoa, you used the word "tends" about three times in the mother's description. I'm a little confused about her, actually -- do you mean that she thinks that she acts like a good mother, or that she believes that good mothers act like she does? Stuck in the 40s or 50s? Are you talking a "Leave it to Beaver" situation? His father confuses me a little bit too . . . did his changing appearance actually make him bitter? o_o It's interesting to see a staunch capitalist coming out of Belfast; he must have been in the minority, eh? Big families seem popular these days . . . =) One thing I'd like to see in the family section are full sentences--reading the point form or the fragments is a bit difficult for me, as I'm easily distracted. ^^ Likes/dislikes . . . whoa, information overload. XD I liked the way thatyou described the books that he does or doesn't like; I can't bring myself to agree with some of them (Angel Sanctuary has to be the most horrible book I've read in a while x_x), but they're certainly original. Hmm . . . only proper nouns are capitalised, so forget the capital letters on most of the things in this section (titles excluded, of course). The fears section is interesting! But I'd definitely like to know why he fears sunlight . . . it's not exactly something you can get away from, really, if you're an eighteen-year-old who isn't a vampire. XD History . . . very interesting, but isn't there a teacher's union in Massachusetts? I mean, where I live (is it a Canadian thing?) the union protects teachers from being laid off, so cuts have to go to the classroom. I'd definitely like to learn where and how he learned to make explosives--it seems kind of important. Jeez . . . his friends are scary! Personality -- well, if it's not a fear of sunlight, but a dislike, why not put it in the dislikes section? =) That makes waaaay more sense. If Gavin won't go outside on sunny days, how does he get to school? Does he skip a lot? You mentioned that he made some good grades, but if you're missing that much school, that doesn't seem likely. I'm having trouble getting a cohesive picture of Gavin from what you're saying . . . what are his motivations? Is it an instant- gratification thing? What are his goals? You listed his aspirations as, "To take over the world so as to get rid of poverty and suffering," (that's paraphrased), but you list him as a sadist . . . which is it? Popping ants in the microwave IS sadistic, not just nearly sadistic. =P His personality seems to go back and forth between "sort of insane" and "totally nuts", but it would be nice to have just one solid one. Overall, I think his personality was just too short for such a complicated character. 5'11" and 160 pounds? Kinda skinny for a guy . . . the appearance is short, but I get the idea. The early-gray-hair thing sounds like a recessive trait, which means that it HAS to be on mum's side as well for him to get it. I'd mention that somewhere. Once again, the fuku description is short but serviceable . . . I'm not an authority on transformations, but his seems really unique and cute, if unorthodox. Powers . . . hmm, I think that perhaps they're a bit too powerful? I mean, without restrictions. How does he learn to use his crossbow, glaive, etc? The crossbow isn't an easy weapon to master. Is this part of his innate powers? The explosions don't blow things up? Can they hurt people? Do the shockwaves knock people over? How many can he summon before he can't summon any more? I'd separate the weapons-summoning and the Cherry Rain to make it clear that they're two separate powers, and elaborate on both. I want a puppet named Bob for a guardian! XDDD The writing sample was good, but I spotted quite a few grammatical errors. Overall? I -liked- the concept of an insane senshi of weaponry. Gavin was an interesting concept, and I think the thing that got me about him was that . . . well, he was insane, but it was just treated like an everyday thing. My mother would be having multiple litters of kittens if my sister or I started microwaving ants to hear them pop . . . doesn't anybody notice that he's mentally ill? I mean, it's kind of blatantly obvious. Hasn't anyone tried to help him? Sent him to a psychologist for evaluation? The sunlight thing was kind of weird, but good. One thing I also noticed was that while he had a lot of likes/dislikes, they weren't really touched upon for the rest of the application. My own opinion is that if I have to spend time thinking of good ones (and yours were!), then I'm damn well gonna put 'em to good use. Your writing--except for the occasional grammatical error--was very good, and didn't bore me at all while I was reading; the concept is creative, and I think that, with some work, Gavin could be a very, very good evil Grigori senshi. =) I'll vote a Reject for Revisions (personality, powers). ----- Jen: Geez, you know you're really confused when it takes you more then five seconds to remember your e-mail addy. That's what happens when you have three. ^^;; Anyhoo, onwards hooo to the review! Starting from the top, I like having relevance to a senshi's power base but then too much relevance would be a recreation of the angel/star/myth rather then an avatar of sorts, which the senshi pretty much are. So the name is good but would you do me a favour and define what Gerald means. I know I probably have it somewhere on my computer but I'm going to be lazy. ^^ Basic stats are good: you can never have too many O-blood types, they are the majority in most of the world. Family members are very vague; the mother and father are well described but it seems as though more detail was put into appearance rather then appearance. How does Margie act like a good wife? How can Patrick be so bitter over his appearance when he is also calm? Siblings could do with better personalities rather then coining them as clichés. Actually, my advice would be to keep those who really do concern Gavin. Unless they all live in the same house I'd suggest really considering leaving out Megan Marshall. Onwards, onwards... preferances sound good, nice detail with hobbies, likes and dislikes. His fears seem rather odd and I hate to say it but sunlight is rather cliché for fallen heroes as they are essentially villains. ^^; Why does he fear sunlight? For that matter, why does he fear bees, clowns, ghosts and prostitutes? ^^; His history doesn't make mention of where he developed his fears, in fact as a child Gavin loved playing out on the front lawn, which I assumed he did in the daytime. Another point to be made: if Margie was so concerned about being a good mother/wife why didn't she do anything to see if her son was alright? Was he never taken to a doctor or a psychiatrist? Just a few questions to consider... Ooooh, the personality details his fears. When did Gavin develop his dislike for sunlight? When and why did Gavin get scared of clowns? You mentioned again the bees and ghosts, although there's no explaination of those fears. Is he allergic to bees or does he just get scared of the pain that comes with getting stung? Has he seen ghosts? Why does he get scared of them? Too many horror movies? If the answer to the last question is yes it would be odd, seeing as though he likes horror books. o_O;; Gavin's personality is very one- sided, detailing only his fears and the negative aspects of him. What are his positive traits? How does he interact with people, strangers, friends and family? The personality needs quite a bit more polishing up to make Gavin more then one-dimensional. No qualms about Gavin's appearance, I've got a good picture although he certainly is gangly for his height. Does the guy eat at all? ^^ I've got a faint idea of what the fuku would like overall but you could have described it better rather then putting it into short form. Show us how well you can write by using proper sentence structure. I'm not looking for anything flowery but this could have been written better. Nearing the end... okay, powers. I must say I love the transformation, it's so Superman like. ^_^; Hope he can find a secluded area close enough to a fight in order to not take too long. As for his attacks.... I'm not precisely sure but his weapon summoning sounds a lot like Seraphel, I'm in the midst of confirming that. As for "Cherry Rain" how powerful are the shockwaves? Obviously not enough to blow things up but do they cause any other physical damage, to small things for example? Or do they just shake and cause nausea to people? ^^; And... yes, Seraphel does have a weapon summoning attack. *Scratches her chin* I really don't know if you'd have to change that, I'd have to find out what the GMs think. Over-all I think this application has a lot of potential but a character must have more depth then just insanity. What brought about the insanity? Well, I know I've asked a lot of questions enough. I thus would have to vote REJECT FOR REVISIONS with polishing up on personality (reasoning of fears and positive aspects of Gavin), NPCs, possibly power(s) and a bit of his history.