Proto: *Pulls out a black pen, just to be different* Here we go. I guess I'll just jump right in to the meat of this thing... Ah. More Roanoke. Roanoke is good ^_^. And an Angelus to boot. Ritchie: Joy! Indeed. Hrm... "One Who Likes Pork"? Seems improvised to me... I suppose I'm just being nitpicky, but if you haven't found a meaning for the name it's probably best not to just make one up out of the blue. Ah, a non-teen age. How refreshing. I suppose that's kind of hypocritical of me... Ritchie: >8^/ Anyway... no explanation for the birthday? Ah, well. No biggie. Yay! Same blood type as my conceptual England character! Ok, Family... How old are his parents? We probably should know that... It's great that you give lots of detail on their histories, but you definitely need to discuss their personalities and appearances. So, please add those bits. Roanoke College? Don't see that one too much. Excellent, Smithers. Likes and dislikes are okay though you might want to add a few more or elaborate. Just what about the gothic lifestyle appeals to him? Mexican food? O.o Warn me when he's eaten so I can clear out. Hrm... Poorly made food is a start, but it's terribly general... not a big thing, but a specific food might be better. Ritchie: He likes music! ^_^ ...I'm sure you'll get along just fine. Ah, I can't say I'm much of a Math enthusiast either. Ok, now these colours I'm not sure about. There's no ban on black, but we do have a lot of them... and red is just out of the question, so you may want to come up with a new secondary colour. His hobbies and aspirations are identical... care to elaborate on the aspirations? Why are these his goals? Ah, what does sapphire have to do with Hamm? You may want to go with a gemstone that relates more closely to him... many stones have some kind of myth attached to them, and if all else fails, colour is a good thing to go by. Hamm isn't really blue-oriented... Standard fare SMyth character angst! We should make that the newest requirement for character creation. "Must be filled with angsty thoughts". He was antisocial yet he liked school? How did that happen? School is a heavily social place. Did he study Christianity for any reason besides a hunger for knowledge? His teachers didn't approve of him yet they gave him lead violin? He must be terribly good. Hrm... so you're saying he started out as Goth but his busy schedule, classes and lessons made him come off as a nerd? How did that transition come about? What effect did it have on him? .....Now you're going back to the goth thing... I have to admit, a punk goth nerd isn't something you hear of very often. Self-instruction on etiquette? Where did this come from? You never mentioned it before... In your writing, you should avoid those cliche definitions of "best ever" and "biggest ever". Ok, now we're in Roanoke. *Takes a break* Ritchie: You're too much of a perfectionist, you know that? Quiet, you. Ritchie: Hypocrite. *Grumbles* Ok, on to personality. You start by telling us that he likes alcohol and drugs... that would be much better placed under "Likes". Might want to move that. You can explain why he likes them in personality, though. Hang on. You say he underestimates his charm yet he's a gentleman? Isn't that sort of contradictory? Well, at least he has standards... Hrm, Personality is kind of stunted, so you might want to add some to that... check what the other reviewers said. Ah, fukus are fun. Coat of Arms or Symbol? you can't decide? Pick one or the other, please and thank you. All his clothes are black? Just plain black? You might want to add a bit more colour detail into that. Ok, we don't need to hear about Super/Eternal until it happens. You should probably elaborate on his normal fuku some more and leave the advanced fukus until later. Playing him a bit might give you some insight on just where you want these fukus to go. I like this transformation. Plasma balls are fun. We could use a bit more detail on just what it looks like, but I do like the fact that he breaks out of it, instead of having it disappear. Kudos. Time for magical butt-monkey powers. Hrm, Hand Of Destruction seems solid but definitely lower the times it can be used. I don't think he would ever get a chance to use it 8 times in one day, unless an exceptionally long battle was going on. Annihiliate Strength works but lower the duration. 5 minutes is too long for something that debilitating, especially for a Tier 2 senshi. Define "Magical strength, physical strength, and intensity of anything they do." further. I get where you're coming from but it should be clearer. As for Destruction Of Power, it's a good idea for a power but please include more detail on how it works; the gist of it isn't quite enough. Ok, for all three powers, you should probably write up some more about how they're used. Does he say a phrase, do hand gestures, pull them out of his hat...? Ritchie: Critical bum. Sorry. I love Angelus to death. Ah, here's some explanation of the powers... saying how they tie in to Annihilation helps much, yes... you might want to explain a few of the other things in your app too while you're at it. Your writing sample was good, though it reads like an elementary school paper with a few sexual inuendos thrown in... you might want to brush up on your sentence structure. There's a few things that could stand to be polished up. Other than that, though, it's fine. Keep up the good work. Don't forget to get your website operational ASAP, or I will splugurgeon you with a spork. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Summary: This character is a good, sound, concept, but there are a lot of details that need to be polished up and a few things that might require changing. It is certainly a character I'd love to see in the RPG, but since there are so many details that need to be added, I'll have to go with Reject for Revisions. Only because there's a lot and I'm overly critical. Ritchie: You've got that right! Anyway, that's my two-cents' worth... I hope to be writing with you soon. Cheers! ----- Legend: *claps her hands together* Right, it's review day! *Grins* I think I'll bring...no, not Abby, I won't do that. She's vicious. I'll bring Maya, I haven't gotten to bring her along for a while because all the apps are Roanoke! Maya: Yes, now can we please continue? Righto! *grins* All right, Alu, let's see what you've cooked up. I hate to say this, but the name... Maya: *helpfully* Has to go? *nods* Unfortunately, we rather frown upon naming characters after video game/movie/anime characters, and um...this guy is. -Please- change it. Basic stuff's fine except bloodtype, which needs to change because AB is really rare and too many people have it already. Family..you don't really say a whole lot about mom and dad's personalities or what they look like. I'd like a bit more about that. Oh look, they're rich. *sigh* everybody's rich. for Occupation/School you'd need to put his college, and what grade in the college (sophomore, junior, whatever) and if you want you can put that he's majoring in Psychology. Maya: I'm going to major in psychology in college too. I'm going to cure Lalasa of her autism *nods solemnly* *pats Maya* yes dear, we know. Likes are horridly standard. Throw in something original. Anything. The gothic lifestyle is different, yes, but the rest are so completely standard that I think I might be ill. Same with dislikes. Maya: My mother is a rabid, over religious Hindu...so would he hate her? Yes, Maya, probably....favourite food's all right, I guess, and hated food is severely lacking in creativity. Nobody likes poorly made food. Oh look, he hates Math. What a blinkin' surprise. I swear, if one more person hates Math I think I'm going to scream. Aren't black and red Jace's colours? I'm not entirely sure..he needs more hobbies. The lack of detail and originality here is going to make me cry. And be more clear about his aspirations. Does this guy -only- have two things in his life? Psychiatry and music? Then he's -got- to be horridly boring. I mean, doesn't he do -anything- else? Maya: While she's busy ranting, I'll be the voice of reason. Sapphire is a pretty gem, but I'm not certain what it has to do with him. You might clarify that. And you're getting repetitive with this Goth thing. You already told us they were goth when you told us about them. It's good that he doesn't persecute others for their religion, I'm the same way.. I'm back to rant some more because Maya doesn't have the heart for it. You're making him too perfect at everything. He -can't- be a musical god. We have tons of musically inclined people already, and the fact that this one seems to be good at -every- sort of music really makes me ill. And he's super-intelligent. I don't think I can handle this anymore. His history is turning my stomach with all the romantic crap...by the way: I -really- don't need all the details on his love life! REALLY! His personality bugs me too. I'm not sure -what- about it bugs me, but something's just not fitting right. How long is his hair, just out of curiousity? Whatever, I'm not picky about appearance, really, but I'm sure somebody else will pick up on that and figure out what is missing in the personality section. He doesn't -have- Super or Eternal form yet, so we don't need descriptions of those, thank you very much. Please just describe the fuku he -does- have. I can't really sort it out from all of that, so I'm not really going to comment on it..*coughs* transformation...weapons? several weapons? doubtful. You're not allowed weapons unless they're transformation items, and those have to have severe relevancy as they're beginning to get overdone. His first power doesn't have anything to do with annihilation...it's like you're just naming his attack strategy. They're supposed to be supernatural abilities, dude, not just attack strategies..Annihilate strength is all right, I guess...it's not a spell, though, dude, it's a power, an ability. And Destruction of Power...okay, let's just say overall that his powers have little to do with his power sphere and some are too powerful and there ARE NO SPELLS! Explanation is lacking.You're supposed to tell us about your angel, and about how his personality and powers and crap are relevant to his angel, not how you came up with names for his powers, although that should be there too. I'm not going to go into the writing sample, because I'm not a good judge about grammar and such... Final Verdict: Reject. I'm sorry, hon, but there's just -way- too much wrong. You need to rethink him, flesh him out, spend some more time on his powers and such. ----- Tami: *puts on surgical gloves* Okay, kids. Let's strip and begin. Roanoke, Angelus. Hasmed is one of the more random angels but it's okay. I hesitate to think what you're going to do with an Annihilation power sphere, as many of the Angelus men already have destructive power spheres. The name... Oh, dear. Hamm is NOT a real name unless it's short for Hammond. Alucard is ripped straight from Vampire Hunter. It's friggin' Dracula backwards; Crane is okay, but what's that got to do with agility? The age is nice. The blood type is too rare. The star sign is okay. His parents are -gothic-? Howso? What are his parents personalities? How does he interact with them? I find it slightly too perfect how Hamm gets on perfect with both. Wasn't he ever embarrassed at having goth parents? And -rich- goth parents; very unrealistic. Okay, he wants to be like daddy. I think that the other two have already commented in-depth on most of this application, I just realized. I think I'll get to the meat of my opinion. Cliche; Hamm is too perfect, inexplicably so; you don't need to describe what he's like in Super and Eternal form, ESPECIALLY as the rules for Eternal are not up yet; his powers are too run-of-the-mill and not much to do with his power sphere. Unoriginal. Overlaps with Eraen. There are some nice elements, but basically, he's as bland as anything - what are his flaws, what are his quirks? Nice start. Try again; reject.