ÿþLegend:

 

*looks at Abby* Oh no...there's no way you're coming

along with me on this one. You'd have too much fun

being evil...I'll take Maya, she's sweet. 



Maya: *smiles happily* Why thank you, Legend! 



Abby: *sulks and walks off* 



All right, so here we begin..I like that you're doing

an original Senshi...Larissa, I mean..but try to put

it in format, just because it looks prettier IE:

Sailor Larissa, Astronomia Masa, Senshi of (in your

case) Fresh water, because that seems to be what you

are going for. 

Now, on to the name...Change it. Period. I mean, I

love the names of ancient gods, but using them in and

rp like this...is a bad idea. The last name is fine,

but change her first and middle name. Also, the name's

meaning didn't make any sense. Water cannot be sly or

wise.. Age is good, as is her birthday and sign..and O

is a common enough blood type. Change the dad's name

too. He can't have god's names either. Why did the

parents separate? Why doesn't he have a personality?

I'd -really- like to know a -little- bit about him

other than his job and a physical description. Please.



Mother's name is fine. I think twelve books of poetry

is a bit much for her to have written...in her

lifetime, I mean. At least she has a personality,

though. Oh, and as a side note, please capitalize

their last names as well. I guess Jessica's okay,

though I wouldn't mind if you put a little more

thought into her personality..if your character is

going to be living with her anyway..Brother's name

must change..no gods names..already explained earlier.

And, as a side note, since his father's name was Loki,

he would most likely be a junior. 



Maya: Boy...I've never seen you write this much on

topic before..



I have a reason to be on topic..I'm actually finding

things wrong..*grins* not that I don't love your

ideas, hon, but...yah..anyways..what do you mean she

beat him out of the womb? Like, she got out first, or

she beat him up? That's entirely possible. Having a

twin myself, I know for a fact that I used to beat him

when we were in there together. However, I'm not sure

that her having a twin is a good idea altogether. I

think we've already got quite a few twins, and it's

not -that- common. If he misses his twin that much,

why doesn't he come to live with her? I guess the

grandmother's fine..school works..



Maya: She's a bit diverse in her likes...even if they

are terribly overdone. Put in something a little

different, please? right now she seems like every

other kid in the world..except that most of them like

at least -something- odd as well. 



Even if it's something they won't admit to. Like Abby.

She's terrified of caves and intimacy, but she'd never

-admit- it..



Maya: That's because she's a stubborn little..



*hushes her* Anyways, dislikes..her father's line of

work fish eaters? *blinks* what do you mean by that?

I'm -so- confused. 



Maya: So'm I..



Duh, you're practically me. Favourite food is

okay...disliked has been done before..and some people

just -like- sushi. Can't say I do myself, but that's

because I don't like -any- seafood..I'm yawning over

the subjects..although hating art is different, I

think..try liking something a -bit- more original..and

I like how you use black for her colour..unexpected

for a water type. Hobbies..how does she practice sword

fighting and archery? I don't know that many kids who

can get into that sort of thing..you'll have to

explain it to me..if you can, I'll nod and smile. At

least it's something different. And you might have

mentioned her affinity for them in her

likes..Aspirations are -way- too cliche. Does she have

any dreams that actually might come true? 'cause you

know, the chances of anyone becoming a singer or a

poet are like..zilch



Maya: Look who's thinking realistically for once in

her life! 



Hush, you. I'm busy. Gem's fine..Africa? She was born

in Africa? well, that's certainly original

enough..When did they move to Washington DC exactly?

The day after they were born, or a few years or months

later? and the shyness thing bugs me. First you say

she's shy, then she's not, then she is...well, is she

or isn't she? Be a -bit- more organized. And was she

five, six or seven years old? I hate when people right

things like around, or about. We don't need to know

what times she had her clubs, you can just mention

that she was really busy and didn't have enough time

for singing..and what in the world are sea lessons?

She was chubby, huh? You might mention she got picked

on or something. And she actually managed to lose

weight? She just stopped eating?! Is she anorexic?

Her grandmother thought her mother was stupid? why?

aren't mothers supposed to love their children even if

they don't agree with them? 



Maya: This is sounding like a repeat of their critique

of your original version of me...you know, the one

where my mother hated me.



She doesn't hate you, she just thinks you're a demon

now. Anyways the parents let the kids make the

decision? How old were they? My parents got divorced

when I was young and then remarried each other, but I

don't remember ever being asked if I wanted to live

with my dad..I thought her brother moved in with his

dad? And now he doesn't know what he wants? I'm -so-

confused..and I think you're starting to repeat

yourself..and you never -did- explain why they

divorced..Oh, Lokia stays with her grandmother..I

wonder why her parents let her do that? She did all

sorts of travelling? Wouldn't that interfere with her

schooling a little bit? And where did all this money

come from that her grandmother would -have- to be

spending? -Lokia- decided to go out scuba diving on

her own? That's stupid. She could get herself killed.

Besides, what kind of grandmother would let her do

that? She's started to sound like a spoiled brat. And

she saw a dolphin? Wow, that's rare. Again, where

-was- she? She felt a..oh...you know, it's kinda dumb

to have a dolphin for a guardian..it has to stay in

the ocean all the time..and it'd be pretty far away,

couldn't guide her properly. After all, I don't know

of any dolphins living in Virginia, unless you count

zoos 'n stuff..And Senshi aren't supposed to attack

civilians..and definitely aren't supposed to transform

in front of them..and why does all of this make her

want to be a singer? I'm not making any connections.

What sort of concert? And you're repeating yourself

again. We get the idea, that is what she wanted to do.

Sheesh, I think this is the longest review I've

written..*blinks* and you contradict every sentence

you write about her personality..decide what she's

like, then get back to me later..And her personality

in general is just confusing. Try arranging it a bit

better and not contradicting yourself..Is her hair

straight or curly? What are her features like. We get

the idea, she's muscular, but not overly so...you

don't have to go on about it. What does she like to

wear? what does her birthmark -look- like? did you

mention where it is? I can't remember. 



Maya: All right, to give Legend a break I'm going to

take fuku. Maybe the bottom fits like shorts

because..well, it is shorts? I know what you're

talking about, Legend has a swimsuit just like it..and

I think you mean that the top -looks- like a vest, not

-is- a vest..there's a big difference *smiles softly*

How can a skirt be sort-of see through? It either is

or it isn't. If it's not -completely- see-through, you

could put say, vaguely transparent, and that would

work..And how can it be a loose mini-skirt? Maybe you

mean that it's a short skirt (and you might want to

describe -how- loose) and that it's loose-fitting? The

rest of her fuku is a bit blah and standard..try going

a teeny bit more original? I mean, bows, ribbons, and

a crown...? 



Not everybody has piloting goggles and hair

chopsticks, Maya...but you're right. I would like to

see something a bit more original..oh look, she has a

dagger! That should be mentioned in fuku, as it's her

henshin item, evidently..and you take the dagger from

your boot and -she- transforms? I don't

understand..how does that work? Arrows? Sword? Where

in the world does she get those? And she shouldn't

have them anyways. We try to -not- have weapons on the

Senshi as much as possible. You -may- be allowed to

have the dagger as a henshin item, but that's it.

Nothing more. Also, her transformation in general is

rather boring. I guess I can live with it, though..She

stealths her sword? You mean sheathes..and since she

can't have her sword anyways, that won't be a problem.

Maybe she could create a bow and arrows out of water?

And I'm not seeing how your attack has anything to do

with water..Five times a day, five times a week, what?

And how long until she can use the attack again? And

what does the attack -do-...oh never mind, you can't

have it anyway since it doesn't have anything to do

with water..Girls only get two because...that's the

rule, that's why. Nobody should question the GM. She

is all powerful 'n stuff...yah..and you can't have the

second attack either, because it doesn't have anything

to do with water. And because she can't have any

sword. Guardians for astronomia are named after

kraters. Again, a dolphin is out because you wouldn't

be able to contact him. He'd have to be living in

Florida or something, although you at least gave him a

personality, which is more than I did on -my- first

attempt..It's not your first choice, but it is? That

doesn't make sense...I hate how you keep contradicting

yourself. I know you're trying really hard, and we

appreciate that, but -please- be a bit more

clear..Now, she can't borrow her powers from Neptune,

first of all..and second of all, she doesn't -have-

water powers, so how could she borrow them? And girly

names make no difference. And the reasons you gave are

kinda...wrong..it's not supposed to necessarily be

relevant to you, although my character does happen to

reflect myself a lot, but these things are supposed to

be relevant to her, and to her powers. And everyone

has to do a writing sample. It's a rule. I'm not going

over the writing sample because I still have work to

do on my own writing, so I don't feel comfortable

judging someone else's..besides, everyone else usually

does a wonderful job of that. Except I will say

this...no, I won't, nevermind. I'm sure someone can

put it much nicer than I can. I'm in a mood, and I

don't need to be critiquing that. Also, I don't like

your opinion about the killing Senshi, mainly because

a character would not be killed without permission for

them to be killed..so there shouldn't be any reason to

make excuses as to them still being alive. Also, what

you wrote was called godmoding. That is, keeping

someone who should be dead or at least unconscious, in

the game, is giving them powers they shouldn't have.

As far as making a web page for your app. It's

required, so of course you can make one. In fact, you

have to make one. 



Final Verdict: Reject...personality, history,

names..all sorts of things that could use work. I like

your ideas, and I know you're trying, but there are

just too many things wrong for me to vote even Accept

with revisions. 



Maya: But do try again! *smiles* We need more

Astronomia over in Roanoke...they seem to be on a

death streak...



-----

 

Dani:

 

::takes out the Bladed Red Pen of doom:: Here I am to tear this thing 

apart. Fear my wraaaath!



Hmm. Well, looking at the original app you sent in, I can see that 

there are some changes, but looking at the 'new' one again, I'm 

rather... well, bothered. Look, if you don't have spell-check, please 

proof-read it yourself; there'd an abundance of mistakes in this 

application that aren't just orthographical, but grammatical. Have 

you read the information on the site that helps with writing? You 

really should. This app seems to confuse first person singular with 

third person, and that's a big no-no. Actually, a very terrible no-

no. You lose points for that.



Now. If you haven't noticed, at the top of the application form there 

is a field marked 'location'. I know that, being Masa, she would be 

in Roanoke, but forgetting the 'location' field can pose problems to 

reviewers - especially since you make the awful mistake of using myth 

names for your character and her family members. NO. BAD. WRONG. If 

we must reiterate, DON'T USE MYTH NAMES. No Norse myth - 

Loki, 'Lokia', et cetera - no Greek myth - Athena, Zeus, and so on. 

When we say 'something's not right here' we don't mean 'just change 

the last name'. Revise this, big-time.



If he hates the name his mother gave him, why doesn't he adopt a 

nickname? Look, their respective countries of origin don't matter. 

These days, you don't see very many people named after ancient gods. 

It could work as an innocent middle name, but it seems that this 

family enjoys re-using names. Won't it get confusing if you've got 

three people in the family named after the Norse god of malice? Hmm, 

they seem to live awfully high on the hog. Also something of a no-no.



Eraen: We've got enough hoity-toity little snots already...



Shut up, you! You're one, yourself!



Eraen: ::sniffs:: Stop griping and get me my avacado sandwich.



Yes, miss. ::shoves it in Eraen's direction and re-readies the red 

pen::



"But her being Norse and her husband Greek you know." This sentence 

is a perfect example of what this app is full of - unchecked mistakes 

that could easily be repaired. For one thing, you shouldn't start a 

sentence with 'but' unless you're trying to be poignant and 

meaningful; secondly, we -don't- know. Look, it's nice for you to 

give us some leeway, but there aren't any listed profiles for his 

mother and father. Uh uh. Don't leave us assuming, sweet cheeks. Give 

us the meat. "His eyes are a bright green his hair was jet black with 

few grays." This sentence also sums up a lot of the application. I 

know you're trying, dearest, but this combines past and present 

tense. Big no-no. And I'm assuming right off the bat that you 

mean "strands of gray" or "gray hairs"; I could be wrong, but some 

clarification would be nice. Okay, so he's a workaholic, but that 

doesn't tell us much about him. Your character can be dark and 

mysterious, remember, but you can't be dark and mysterious *about* 

the character. 



Try capitalizing last names. It not only adds points to your app, but 

tells us that you know something about grammar. Moving along...



WOW. Forty-six and 'about twelve' books. At forty-six, even one book 

is an accomplishment. Clarify. 'About twelve' isn't right - has she 

written the twelve or not? Have any of them been best-sellers? What 

sort of poetry? Uh oh. Here's where we hit another little clink. When 

you say 'fathers' I'm assuming you mean 'father's'; if you stare at 

that line funny, it makes it look as though he has multiple paternal 

figures. Nonono. Hmm, personality? Please fill in the personality for 

the family members, dearest.



Bahahaha! Wonderful pun on her grandmother's name. I've noticed that 

you seem to enjoy using plant names for her mother's side of the 

family - angelica, willow, birch. All beneficial plants to the human 

body. Very pretty. 'Outback' is capitalized. Which mines? 'To' 

is 'too', dear. ^^ "She loves the sea her favourite food is Sea food" 

should be "She loves the sea - her favourite food is seafood". Don't 

forget punctuation, it makes you look a lot smarter. ^_^; 'Beach' is 

a singular impersonal noun; don't capitalize it.



What sort of tricks does she play? Cruel tricks, innocent jokes, the 

sort that people regret later? What sort of poetry? What sort of 

music does she sing?



Does she hate people who think they are better because she thinks 

she -is- better? Conceit is a wonderful character trait, but you 

don't seem to elaborate on it much. Keep it in or kick it out. "Her 

father's line of work fish eaters" confuses me. Now, either I don't 

know what "work fish eaters" are, or you're missing some punctuation -

fix it. Disliked food seems to be fish in general - I mean, she 

seems to like fish without finding them palatable. Why art? She seems 

to me to be an extremely artsy person, even if not visually.



Watch those capitals. They look extremely out of place, and don't 

look much like a coherent list. Hmm, do you mean 'rapier fighting' 

or 'fencing'? It seems to be a little odd to just have generic 

swordfighting in there. What does she like to read? "and running 

around playing also singing" doesn't work. Just stick "singing" in 

the list. Hmm, aspirations should be "to be a...". 'Poetry artist'? 

How about just 'poet'? It's short, sounds nice, and tastes good when 

marinated in red wine. Aquamarine is good, but quite overused; it's 

relevent, but try searching for a different one. A suggested site is 

gemstone.org.



"She and HER brother". That would help restore some coherence to the 

History. ^^ Hmm, perhaps you should change 'new people' to 'new 

acquaintances' or 'people she didn't know'. Waitwaitwait. You're 

contradicting yourself. "When she was younger she was rarely shy..." 

You just said she was quite shy. Change that aroung some. Why did she 

become more shy as the time passed? Anything happen in her life that 

affected this? Hm, do you mean around six years old? Five to seven 

allows for a huge margin of error. Why was she moved to a new school?



What? She only had swimming for fifteen minutes a day? Half hour 

sword fighting lessons? How does she learn anything, much less get to 

her next class? What exactly entails a "sea lesson"? Lose the awkward 

capitalization. And ever since she was singing? o_o Oh, my. Just for 

quitting a lesson she had to sing forevermore? ^_^; Clean that up 

slightly, please. O___O Oh, my. Oh, my, oh, myeyeyeye. An anorexic in 

fourth grade? I have a sister in fourth grade who would never imagine 

something so silly. Didn't she get sick, depressed or anything? She'd 

still have to eat to survive. Hadn't she heard that when you stop 

eating your body stores fat and makes you chubbier? I'm sure there 

would be a more logical, comfortable solution to her little weight 

problem. Dear me.



Now, considering you didn't detail her family that much, perhaps 

you'd better explain why exactly her grandmother found her mother so 

stupid. Even if she did, she shouldn't have been too much of a factor 

in the marriage. Her mother was unclear? Then she was forced into 

this by her own daughter and mother-in-law? This is really starting 

to confuse me. Her brother 'didn't' know what he 'wanted', please; 

tense confusion can be a bugger.



...a dolphin. Okay. It's nice that she has a good, relevent guardian, 

but really... it seems to me to be a little too much. Guardians 

generally choose utilitarian bodies, like cats or mice or insects. 

Small ones that can facilitate various conditions - a dolphin body 

seems to be a little extravagant. This henshin phrase is slightly 

wonky. "Larissa Masa Power, Make-Up", I think you mean. O___o; Why 

did she want to be a singer after this event? Oh, the confusion. She 

never did the stuff she needed to do... to what? To become a singer, 

to become a senshi? O_O She became a senshi when she was eleven? 

Whee, that's great. A little early, a little wonky, but okay. We can 

swing with that. I think.



Ooo, she was reborn. Oh, no, wait, she wasn't stuck in a new body, 

she was... what's the word... inspired. Yes, I think that's it. What 

sort of concert? Whom by? Was it a -good- concert? Okay, so she wants 

to make people happy? Then why does she play pranks on them? Why 

isn't this in her 'aspirations'? Ugh. Hit me with a brick, please, my 

nitpickiness is starting to eat my brain.



"It hurts her that she hardly ever sees her brother, mother, father 

and even her brother." Er, she has two brothers? I thought she was 

very against her father. That's odd. "She trusts if you don't give 

her a reason not to trust you she won't." Do you mean, "She's not 

trusting"? She doesn't strike me as either compassionate or trusting, 

but I'll live. "But if you betray her trust or don't like her before 

you get to know her." This is a good example of a sentence fragment. 

No, no, no. Very bad. Bad. So... she doesn't like people who don't 

like her? Whee! A snob! ^___^ I like her.



Hmm, I don't think -anyone- likes being lied to. <_< I don't think 

you see anyone running around yelling "Yeee, I love being lied to! 

Lie to me, dammitall!" Hmm, this next section doesn't make sense 

either. What if she got punched in the nose? I don't think it would 

affect me emotionally before physically because, well, there wouldn't 

originally be any punchinthenose to be emotionally affected about. 

See, if it doesn't exist, why bother feeling emotional about it?



Waitwaitwait. Astrological and palm reading... and the next sentence 

talks about her Christianity. That contradicts itself totally, 

considering most devout Christians are against that sort of thing. 

Um, excuse me, but we don't do that "if that is not allowed, cut it" 

thing. You're solely in charge of your character. ^_^;;



Ooookay. This personality reaaally ticks me off. I'm sorry to say, 

but she has no set personality. I really can't say anything about 

her. I just don't know her. She doesn't seem to have any unique 

traits. What I'd suggest is that you go read all the profiles on the 

Roanoke site (yes, ALL) and try making up a character totally unlike 

them. Then we'll see what we can do.



Bare with you? Really? Okay. ::starts taking off her turtleneck::



Eraen: No, you IDIOT! It's a typo!



Ooooh, she means -bear- with her. Okay. That works. ::pulls her shirt 

back over her head::



Hmm. Black, sometimes in braids, sometimes out? Er, that doesn't 

help. Sometimes I wear my hair in braids, sometimes not, too. Does 

she -mostly- wear her hair in braids? "almond shaped green eyes, 

bright green eyes" is rather interesting, but you really don't need 

to repeat yourself. We're silly, but not stupid. ^_^; Last time you 

let the boys do it? Wait. Wait. This must mean you're re-using this 

character. Okay, that's nice, but... sheesh. Letting someone else do 

the dirty work for you doesn't help the app. Now, considering that 

muscle weighs a LOT more than fat, she shouldn't be weighed down a 

little - if she has a three-pack, that's enough to say that she's -

extremely- weighed down for a thirteen year old.



Hn. Her fuku sounds good, but the see-through bits remind me awfully 

of Bacchus' fuku. Clean it up a little; lose the awkward 

capitalization; fix the grammar, because it's just making my eyes 

water, here. How big is the bow? Does it have hanging ribbons? How 

many ribbons hang from the 'Coker'? What -is- a 'Coker'? Some weird 

noun describing someone who abuses cocaine? Mmm, yum. What sort of 

sandals? Flip flops, Birkenstocks, high heeled, ballet-slipper style? 

Dark Blue, huh? What shape? Marquis, diamond, circular? Does 

the 'crown' cover any part of her face, or is it an honest-to-

goodness royal crown?



Oh, no, not again. Look. You need to stop confusing first and third 

person. ::reads:: Again, it's "Larissa Masa Power, Make Up". You're 

not asking for power from make up, here. READ THE OTHER 

PROFILES. ::growls:: Hmm, so if she were standing on the Empire State 

Building, it'd be turned into water? Would it be restored to normal 

material afterward, or would we end up with a big pool where it once 

was? Her henshin phrase sounds an awful lot like the original Sailor 

Neptune's, but because this is different I won't take points off... 

yet. 



Now. A sword is just a bad weapon, PERIOD. No sword. No arrows. No 

bow. Drop 'em. This attack has nothing to do with water, so rework it 

so that it has some water in it, and clean up the grammar.



Er, please don't stick your tongue out at us, miss, lest we choose to 

feel slightly offended. "Why girls only get 2"? Hmm. Maybe because 

the game mistress says so. If you don't like her judgement, then you 

shouldn't be here, hm?



Mixing tenses and persons here, again. It's 'her', not 'me' or 'my'. 

Please understand this. ~_~; This second attack has NOTHING to do 

with water, either. It seems to me that this entire profile is just 

cut and pasted from a previous one, and edited slightly... now, 

that's not a bad thing, it's just you have to revamp the profile 

TOTALLY if you expect to get any leeway from reviewers. Read over 

your work, ask friends to beta-read it, and if it still isn't good 

work on it again. I usually spend months at a time working on apps, 

and the revisions you made took... oh, a couple of days? Please take 

some time to work on these. These things take patience.



::faints:: Okay. Stop mixing tenses and persons. I can't read this. 

Also, Neptune is TAKEN. Have you even read the other profiles? I'd 

suggest you do. Take the names of craters on the Moon or Venus and 

base the guardian on them. A dolphin is completely wrong unless you 

have a warm-water sea pit for it to live in. You seem to reiterate 

multiple times that he's intelligent; please give him more 

personality. Punctuation problems here are starting to make my eyes 

hurt; fix them up. NEVER start a sentence with a proposition! And -

NEVER-, ever, -EVER- use the word 'fave' in a sentence when writing 

an application. Please.



Same goes for the words "means a lot of stuff to me". This makes you 

sound as though you are of low intelligence, and that's not something 

we're looking for. 



Ooooookay! This paragraph SCREAMS self-insertion! Never say 'I'! ~_~; 

Not in reference to your character, at any rate. Doing so marks you 

as 'not too smart'. I -know- you're smarter than your writing is, so 

please correct this. We don't -care- if your favourite colour is blue 

in relation to your character's colour; we want to know why you 

picked it.



::coughs:: Yes. You have to. And yes, it's perfectly fair. If you 

don't think it's fair, you shouldn't be applying. And no, it's not 

okay to re-use the writing. And no, it's not you, it's your character.



::shakes head:: I'm not even going to -read- the writing sample. I'm 

feeling sick enough already.



o_o Err, sorry. This isn't one of those 'post-then-play' games. You 

PLAN senshi death. NO ONE in this game would be so stupid as to 

powerplay. Even suggesting it is somewhat offending, considering it's 

in the Rules. Go read them, please.



::cough:: Either way, you -have- to make a web page for your profile, 

as it's called after it has been accepted into the game.



Alright. You -never- beg in that "NOT AGAIN!!!" way. First of all, I 

question the mental capacity of those who choose to employ multiple 

expression marks. Secondly, just -don't do it-. Learn to write better.



Final Verdict



REJECT. Just.... REJECT. This app was, to put it very bluntly, an 

eyesore. Sorry, but you need to rip this thing apart and rebuild it 

from the foundations up. I can tell you're trying (or trying to try), 

but you need to READ EVERYTHING and consider that this is a -real- 

RPG. My advice? Start over from nothing, read some text by published 

authors and take ideas from their writing style, research, read the 

entire site, character profiles and application form, and try again. 

Take some time to work on this; a ten-minute application won't cut 

it. I can tell you're trying, so work away at it for a couple of 

weeks at least and have patience. If you have questions, don't 

hesitate to ask. And PROOFREAD, please, because the format the 

application is in now is making my head ache.



-----

 

Tami:

 

Okay! Let's have a look at this! Oooh, a Masa senshi. We don't have 

any of them. 



I like the name, but... Generally we don't like god names. Lokia 

Athena? I pity her schoolmates. I mean, I'd tease her until she died. 

It also kind of messes up anybody who tries for Loki, you're just 

lucky you're not in Rome. (I know I did it with Rafael, but it was 

different spelling and he's in a non-Angelus location. *cries*)



Sly Wise Fresh Water. Oookay. Speaking of water... I think we have 

enough water senshi in Roanoke. Wade, Ian, Nia. Unless you manage to 

do something really special with her powers, I'd like for you to 

change 'em. 



13. Admirably young.



Family info... Just because he's Norse/Norwegian and Greek doesn't 

mean he's going to get ancient-god names! In fact, I'd expect 

something far different. Nikolai! 



How does she like her parents? What's the personality of Jessica and 

Loki? Twins a no-no at the moment. 



WW-Middle's a good school.



Likes are... pretty cliche. Dislikes... Nobody likes snobs. And she 

sounds like a hippie. I want personality! Well, at least she dislikes 

art...



Her hobbies leave me stone cold. However, Dani's gone over that part. 



Where in Africa? Actually, I'd let you have the entire app, rich part 

and snobbishness if you gave more details about her African heritage -

especially if she was South African, who are completely known snobs. 

Hell, I'd even let you have the name, because those bitches are 

incredibly pretentious. (I'm South African). 



History, personality - more info. She's one-dimensional. Dani's 

touched on this, as have the others.



WAAAAAY more info on the appearance. 



Pisces - who is also water - already has blue and black as her 

colours.



Change the powers. Your take on water leaves me stone cold; it's too 

much like Gabriel's, Gushing Swords. 



Guardians are craters. If you wanted, you could have taken Sailor 

Neptune, the Planete senshi. Nobody would have minded. No dolphins; 

too hard to lug around.



The writing sample is illegal.



Reject for revisions! Try again! You can do it!