Steph: Great to see you try again! I know from experience... persistence and constant revision is very much an admirable quality here. Hm... The angelus definitely are starting to flow in. That's nice... it used to be Graikos that were the big thing. Now... for starters we already have a Rick. That might be picky but well... we have a Rick. First name in it's entirity is different but still... there is a Rick. Age is common. We get alot of people 17 and 18 years old (I'm guilty of this). I like the reasoning behind the birthday. Very nice. Sagittarius like Bri! Family... hrm... his parents don't fully want him? Hrm... His father generally sounds like a mob boss in the making. Your cliche movie corporate business guy. Good visual description though. Mother sounds like a cliche artist. That's good... you have a less common school. Typical likes, typical dislikes. I agree about Rap Music though... anything else that annoys him? How vague. Heehee... onions. Onions are good on hamburgers. Music... that's a bit different as far as favorites subjects. Just a bit though. History as hated? I personally haven't seen that (but I'm a History buff so...). Colors seem a bit common. I think we have a black blue combo. Hobbies are a bit common... he seems like quite the normal kid so far. Aspirations... sound oddly like Briony's and maybe a few others. Onyx is a nice Gem... I think we have that though... not sure if it matters. There's only so many gems after all. Flow of the history was nice. Some parts make him sound like a typical suburb kid (or atleast the ones around me). Don't understand how he can be pleasant and still have such a cold relationship with his parents. Usually neglected kids turn out to be loners or manipulative little buggers. Personality sounds real good, rounded, I'd like him... but somehow it doesn't fit. Appearance... 6 feet he should probably be 180 so you're pretty close. With an atheletic frame definitely 180-190. Black eyes? Do either of his parents have black eyes? Fuku and transformation check out okay. I have to say good job on the powers. I didn't quite understand the wording but the scientific whatchamacallit was a great help. Everything else seems to check out good. I like the character. I think I'm going to say Accept with revisions. Just a few little things really. ----- Jen: I have been amazed by the sheer number of Angelus applications that have been coming in lately. Everyone seemed to be going for Romanus or Graikos, but not anymore. *Pulls out the ee-vile purple pen of doom* Starting off with the statistics... I like the significance of his birthdate, very useful information to know. His father creeps me out with his 'underworld connections,' wouldn't want to get on his bad side. Both mother and father are well described although his mom's description is shorter then his father's. But how can you hate onion (sorry, I love onion ^_^;;)?! Well, onion is supposed to be a garnish and eating in large doses can be nauseating. Maybe Rick ate an onion once like an apple and that's why he can't stand it. ^_^; Anyways, my only real complaint about the statistics are his name and his dislikes. As previously mentioned by the first reviewer we already have a character by the name of Rick. As for his dislikes you cite "Annoying/hyper people, long queues, anything else that annoys him." What are the other things that annoy him? Stray animals? Locker funk smell? Give me a few more and I'll be happy. :) Onto history... he had a close relationship to his nanny but when he went to kindergarten he was popular in class? That doesn't seem right, just from my only-child experience. There is usually an adjustment period for any child to become accustomed to large groups after being on their own for a long time. Did his nanny take him to the park to play with other kids his age or was he raised and playing with only her? The rest of his upbringing has enough of the teenaged angst on a more realistic level; disdain towards parents (now who hasn't gone through that for any period of time?), the relocating and shuffling into a new social group, etc... Nice and detailed but do explain the transition when he was younger from nanny to kindergarten. Personality sounds good, covered the positive and negative traits about him. However what are his fears and dreams? Yes, you covered dreams in statistics (see: aspirations) but why does he want to become a musician or actor? How will he do it? These would just help to flesh him out even more. No qualms with appearance... The fuku is easy enough to follow but quick questions; the trim of the tunic, is at the bottom hem of the body of the shirt? Or the sleeves or neck? Or all of the above? Are the gloves wrist length or elbow length? Fingerless or full? (Yes I'm a nitpicker... I like details ^^;) The goggles are a nice touch, as are the shadows. Nice and simple transformation. Glad to see an item that isn't jewellery for a henshin item. The Cover of Darkness attack is well explained but my own personal gripe is that a few minutes is quite a long time during a fight. Prayhaps shorten the time for the mist to dissipate a tad, maybe down to two minutes? I don't see the relation of Nightmare Revisited to his power sphere so maybe change that... depends on what the other reviewers said. Chill of the Night - could a heat based attack (aka - fire) render the effects more short lived? Does Blackened Spear simply act as making a spear to do physical harm or might it have other effects such as blinding (a) person(s)? Giles... my goodness, I'm in awe of the detail here. One little thing though: spelling. R-A-C-O-O-N, racoon, not Raccoon (I know, because I put the application in a word document ^^). Make sure to do a spell check, please and thank you. Writing sample was great. I'm on a threshold here, not entirely sure of what to give as the final verdict. It's either a strong Reject for Revisions, otherwise suffer a very painful death-by-fork-poking and Accept for Revisions. ^_^;; Either way a few things need to be tweaked out to perfection. ----- Legend: *smiles happily, waving* Hey there! I'll be reviewing your application today! Jason: *shakes his head sadly* please help us all... Legend: *glares at Jason* You're as bad as Maya...Anyways...another Angelus! They're getting pretty popular now, aren't they? Anyways, here goes my little..attempt...Name's all right, although you might want to have him go by something else, merely because..well, as everyone else already said, we've already got a Rick..Meaning's good, though..oh! another seventeen year old! ah well, I suppose it works anyway..Birthdate is good, there isn't always an explanation for that one...ooh and a Sagittarius...I know all about them, my best friend AND my sister are both Sag's..Lessee if he fits the profile! *g* An only child, huh? You'd think he'd be spoiled rather than ignored..Even Maya was spoiled until Lalasa was born..but ah well, some parents are just wacky, right? OOh I know what it's like to have a father who's never home, mine's a computer tech and he's like always traveling..and about him having the same traits as his father, that's really kinda interesting! I mean, I'm like exactly the same way. Dad's never around, and yet I still act more like him than anyone else! Jason: Can you please stop rambling? You're starting to give me a headache... Legend: *sticks her tongue out at the silly platypus* fine fine fine..ooh a money-grabber! *giggles* ah well, his personality does check out. His mother is a teensy bit lacking in the personality department..she knows about his bad dealings and stuff, you covered that, but how does she feel about them? just say that and I'll be fine..a little bit more detail on exactly HOW she's eccentric would be nice too..I mean, does she like, have a tendency to put shoes in the refrigerator or just stick her hair up in wacky do's or what? Jason: If the hair thing is eccentric than I'll nominate Legend as a top in that one..after all, Maya's got purple streaks AND wacky hair... Legend: I'll choose to ignore that...Now there's a school I haven't seen, how cool is that? ooh and he likes animals too! I'm loving him already! Bonus points! ooh he likes driving, does he? well he can drive me all over the place, then, 'cause personally I hate it! and his dislikes ARE a bit overused...I agree about the rap music..I guess he's allowed to hate hyper people, but don't put annoying 'cause that's really subject to interpretation, ya know? long queues is understandable, as nobody likes those..and with the anything else that annoys him thing I'm going to go along with whoever else said be more specific...foods are good, subject's good (I love music too! yay! and history just bites..;-) As far as colours, they are a bit..overdone shall we say? but I guess they kinda work, I mean, I wouldn't want to have to think of different colours for the Senshi of Night...He likes to play Guitar? can he play Hotel California? *looks hopeful* Jason: That has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the topic at hand, Legend, Keep on track! Legend: Righto, commander! *grins* Moving on...Aspirations are a bit cliche, but I can buy them, 'cause it's also true that a lot of people want to be famous..what kind of musician? singer, guitarist, flutist? Just curious, it's not big, but you might want to slide it in anyway..I think Onyx is taken as a stone, but that doesn't really matter...there are only so many stones to be chosen from..although you might try like Obsidian..I don't think that one's taken..As far as history..you'd think that he'd be a loner all of his life or outgoing all of his life, not a bit of both, ya know? so maybe you should make him kinda detached as a child since he is when he's older...or make him more outgoing...oh wait, he goes back! yay! I'll read the whole thing through next time before I start comments, really! It is nice to have some popular, outgoing type going on, I mean, most of us all make our characters into hopeless loners and shut-ins...or just plain bitter... Jason: And Maya's in the first category...along with trying to analyze the world... Legend: Hmmph. Anyways, on to personality..Yay! he's one of those very rare NICE popular guys! you know, the kind that's actually popular and doesn't JUST have the title! that's so kewl! Now wait a second, he's optimistic and positive 'n stuff, but he doesn't like hyper people? that's ALMOST a contradiction...most upbeat, positive people ARE a bit hyper...does he just not like people like himself? Does that mean he hates himself? Now that's definitely typical of at least one Sagittarius I know... Jason: You're starting to sound like Maya...stop analyzing! Legend: But I am curious! Or maybe he's just one of those bizarre people who are laid-back happy...of course, if that's the case he still wouldn't mind hyper people..maybe you should just put "excessively" hyper people..I think I could go with that...Except for all the outgoingness, he sounds a lot like me! positive attitude, likes music, forgetful, and disorganized! Is he confused a lot too? If so, he could be my twin! Jason: You already HAVE a twin.. Legend: But my twin's nothing LIKE me...and this guy's even around my age too! Oh right, back to the review..I like the appearance...especially the eyes...I have this thing for weird eyes... Jason: Again I note that this is distinctively obvious in Maya...poor girl with her one green eye one blue... Legend: I really am bringing her again next time...at least she just psycho-analyzes everything rather than critisizing me..Fuku is cool, I especially like the goggles...I'd like a teeny bit more description on the boots, like how tall they are, or did you cover that? *Goes back to look* Nope, so please do..anyways, transformation...I like the item...Transformation's a bit standard, but that's okay, 'cause I like it anyway...How long does the blade remain in Shadow Blade? Does he decide when it stops being a blade again, or does it just...disappear after a certain amount of time? I might be being picky...but that is kinda important..Nightmare Revisited doesn't seem quite..right...it seems more like a mind power sphere type of thing..I would know, I've done one of those...reminds me a bit of Soul Decision...Chill's okay, I guess...and I personally rather like Blackened Spear as well...ooh! I just love Giles *bounces* Raccoons are so cute! Of course, they're often nasty little vermin too, and carry rabies, but I don't care! and all the detail *gets all starry eyed* how wonderful! I didn't do nearly so well on Jason's! Jason: *mutters under his breath* Legend: What was that? Anyways...continuing to your research 'n stuff..I had the same problem with making up a personality first and then trying to find a Senshi that fit it with my second character (who hasn't been approved yet and I fully expect to be rejected...but I want more feedback! ;-)) Anyways...the rest of the explanation checks out fine with me *g* although personally I benefitted none from the recipe 'cause I don't eat anything.. Jason: anything but junk food, anyway... Legend: Writing sample looks.... Jason: Like something you'd write? Legend: Yah! *g* too bad I don't have an Angelus...guess I'll just have to keep up on the stories so I can watch mini-me! Jason: *shakes his head* Don't listen to her, she rarely knows what she's talking about. I think it's all the time she spends on the computer... Legend: Anyways, my final verdict: Accept with revisions...I like him, and most of the stuff doesn't really HAVE to be fixed, just my own curiousity...just clear up some of the stuff (like the personality, that kinda bothers me about the hyper people thing..)So yah! that's it! *wavies* byeee! ----- (note: following review was posted to list after results were sent to applicant; review had no bearing on result) Tami: *immediately shoves in line* Wait! Not over! Let Tami get a word in edgeways! *wields red pen* I wrote my review yesterday but was too lazy to post; I'd like to get a co-GM's word in on this one, as since the Angelus are filling up it's -really- important to take note on all of 'em.... Change the name. We have a Rick. And if you don't change the name I'll force you to nickname him 'Dick'. We have ten bazillion 17-year- olds; it's the most overused age in Roanoke. No more December birthdays; even though the reason you gave was useful. Keyhole child, all good, unused, I am slightly leery of his father being something like the mafia but I liked his fraud; how many artistic mothers do we have by now? What grade is he in in Cave Spring? God, we're getting so many BOYISH boys in now. -Driving-. Art, theatre and music makes him one of those 'arty' types, doesn't fit with computers, is he a nerd or what? Dislikes cliche; anything else that annoys him, what? Thank you for explaining chicken piccata, though you might have just put a summarized version of the recipe in the food section. It's unimportant. He's an arty boy. Cooking? What sort of teenage boy likes to cook? And his aspirations are the type you get at thirteen; you're not aiming to become a musician now unless you're really dedicated. Put him in a band, make him have lessons, tell us -more- (and why do men always go for the bloody guitar or piano?). Okay, you tell us more about his music in the history but... it's leaving me stone cold. He either has way too much angst or is perfect, none of the normal teenagery stuff. Tells us nothing about what sort of person he is; he's a spoilt music brat but still has plenty of zombie sheep friends. Motorbikes and guitars? Ughhhhhh. I can understand the parents giving gifts to make up for a lack of attention; but Richard is so... so... Styrafoam. Ice. Nothing on the inside. -What- makes him a popular person? It's got to be more than playing the damn guitar well. He reminds me of a more one-sided Thelial (I MISS YOU RUFUS!) Okay, so he's pleasant to be around, never mind the fact actors/musicians are usually melodramatic biatches; he's determined, workaholic, AND charismatic, which seems to me part of an organized personality, yet then you say he's scatterbrained; that's a minus in the charisma stakes. I am finding no real flaws so far. AUUUUUGH! FLAWS! There's nothing making Tami unhappier than lack of FLAWS! 'Scatterbrained' is not a flaw. Please. He's about as substantial as Bob Bobson's yellow Speedo. You didn't mention Guardian as part of history. Might wanna do so. No flaws in his appearance either; he's a cut-out hunk. Black hair and black eyes is nice, though. A -plain- nose? Bleh, the appearance is all right, though I find the more attractive ones the ones with more description (if you're going to give us a hunk, at least give us lots of detail; for other hunks I'd recommend looking at the old Rufus, Adam in the Rome section, at perhaps Jack, at Jeremy who I'd like to snog even though his description is not of the most attractive guy but just because his detail was so great. Fuku is... all right. Again, nothing really special. Sword hilt? Not very nighty and in fact cliche but for the fact we haven't got any swords yet, really. Nightmare Revisited would be more a dream senshi's domain than Leliel's. I like the scientific explanations, but... not much to do with night. I'd like you to change the Spear attack, definitely. Okay, I like Giles the Raccoon, though he doesn't really have a standout personality either. You do not need to give him a mini application, just give us a sum-up. Others have commented on the writing sample. Anyway: Give the boy some personality before I get the urge to devour him and suck his bones out and kill him because an UNFLAWED PERSONALITY IS WHAT TAMI HATES. She quite liked the other bits, but he's so Gary Stu at the moment. Reject for revisions; I'm hard on you because I like you and I like the Angelus. ^_^