Chris:
Okay, review time, peeps! Ian, get your Angelus bum out here, we've got an Astronomia.
Ian: ::salutes:: Here.
Good, let's start out. Okay, she's an Astronomia senshi of water... We already have one of those, but maybe this is taken in a different direction... She's a younger one, which is good, since most of the rest of our crew is getting older...
Ian: What sort of business did her mother inherit? And, I'd really like some more info on her and the father and sister... Some more personality, a bit more description.
Japanese is a very different language from Chinese... How did she learn either one of them by 10th grade? And, what all happened when she was two? Her mother doing things with her? And, how did she segue from dance to fencing so quickly?
Ian: My cousin's a water senshi, Neptune, Romanus Deus of the Sea, and he's on the swim team... Might want to change that...
Her personality is full of conflicts... She's sensitive, yet cold. Extroverted, yet myserious... It's either one or the other, you can't have your cake and eat it too, you know.
Ian: Didn't you mention that voice thing in personality? And, the description isn't nearly enough. Does she have any scars? Did she dye the tips of her hair blue? And her fuku is just... so Sailor Moon... Be creative, she doesn't have to wear exactly that sort of thing. Heck, we've got senshi with hats, and senshi with flapper dresses; senshi with evening gowns, and senshi with vests. Have some fun with it.
We already have two senshi, at the very least, in Roanoke who use a ring to transform... Might want to see if you can't think of something else... You said that her first power was deadly, but in the end it wasn't... And, what does a poison attack have to do with a powerbase of water?
Ian: I guess that I can see the connection to Water for the guardian... It's a little vague, but still there, I suppose. Right in your explanation you list Mercury the god as being associated with games, business, and storytelling... So, outside of Sailor Mercury from Sailor Moon being the senshi of Ice and Water, what's the connection?
Youma. There are no youma in Sailor Myth. It's Senshi against senshi, hon. As an Astronomia, she –might- be fighting a Dark Universe... But no Youma.
FINAL VERDICT
Ian: Okay... Well... There were an awful lot of holes in this application. Really, just about everything needed fixing.
I'm afraid that I have to agree with Ian on this one. There were problems with almost everything... My best suggestion is to read a couple of the stories that we have posted, to get a feel for what sort of RPG this is, and then read some of the accepted applications on the website. They're a godsend, really. REJECT FOR REVISONS.
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Legend:
Roanoke, eh? Well, I haven't had a chance to use Heath yet, so let's bring the big blonde out.
Heath: *grins lopsidedly* hey man.
All right. First of all, you're going to want to slide into the Senshi section that she's Astronomia (assuming she is, and that she isn't the Romanus Mercury *g*) Water's been done a lot already, so we'll have to see if your powers are different enough etc etc..
Heath: Dude
...he's really not very talkative. At any rate, the name works, and she's younger than the overdone seventeen/eighteen range, so I'm not going to throw fits about that. Sign's fine, as is bloodtype.
Family....Oh my dear God *cries* I can't believe..
Heath: *hands Legend a package of M&M's to distract her* She gets touchy about that subject, dude. What she wants to say is that the family needs to have personalities. Then they'll be, like, totally riteous.
And black hair and blue eyes is virtually -impossible-...and mom wears the same outfit every -day-? And so does the sister! And none of them have personalities! And also, sister probably wouldn't have blonde hair. It's recessive and mum has black hair. She'd probably have brown hair.
North Cross is fine... WHY DOES SHE SPEAK JAPANESE??
Heath: *hands Legend more M&M's* I think I'll take over, dude. She really needs a good reason to be speaking those three languages. English and French are understandable, of course, as you have to take a foreign language in High school and French and Spanish are the ones usually offered, but Japanese just doesn't make sense. Also, I don't personally know of many spots that offer fencing classes...anywhere. Except maybe colleges, but she's not quite that old.
I'm back! And I've calmed down. Her likes are really really really really cliche and overused. Put in something original, creative, odd. I don't care what. Lots of stuff. Same with Dislikes.
Heath: *cheerfully* the foods are fine, though. We're not exceptionally picky about that.
...she's a Sophomore, right? I guess it's -possible- that she's taking French III..my sister did. I'll let that slide. And at least she doesn't hate Math. Colour's slightly lacking in creativity, but we'll see what you do with it before I pick on that.
Heath: You'll have to excuse her moderate moodiness. Finals this week. *nods, gives Legend a massage*
*sighs happily* -Now- I know why I decided to create you, Heath. Hobbies are just as bad as likes and dislikes. Give her something unique. And read what Heath told you about the fencing. Aspirations are actually refreshingly creative in comparison to everything else.
*starts on History* We don't really need a recap of the family section, thanks, and most women are rather tired after childbirth, so you don't need to tell us that. Oh, and it's nevertheless, not neither the less. Even in the beginning it's incoherant. Her family's really rather cliche as well. Why was her mother busy all the time? Her father had to be home at -some- point. I'm so confused. She's taking dancing too? And why did she take up dancing because she nearly drowned? I'm not seeing a connection. The moving thing bugs me too. First they're moving, then she claims she isn't...AND HER FATHER LISTENS?? Father's don't decide not to take jobs just because their ten year old daughters are unhappy. Also, that really isn't enough, I'd think, to start a hatred between them and to make her become cold and distant. It would have to have built up over the years...I mean, Maya's seventeen and she had busy dad and mum who thinks she's the spawn of the devil (or whatever Hindu's believe in as evil personified) and she's still a rather personable chickadee.
And her personality needs work. It's repetitive and she doesn't have any -real- flaws and um..it doesn't make any sense. I'm not going to say much more because I'm not very good at it and I'm sure somebody else has already said/will say whatever needs to be said. *blinks*
Heath: Moving on..
Right. Appearance. Again with the blue eyes. See previous comment about black hair and blue eyes. Otherwise her hair's fine...you don't need to repeat with the nose piercing. Always frowning except when she smiles? Wow, never would've guess. It's a little disorganized, but overall the appearance rather works.
Fuku....*cries*
Heath: *pats consolingly, continuing the massage* What she means is: You're supposed to go outside of the standard fuku. Be creative. I mean, look at me, man, I wear a toga.
Transformation: Rings are soooooo overdone. Please please think of something more creative. Like a bucket. Or a beach ball. And why oh why are there dragons involved? I don't remember Mercury having anything to do with dragons.
Powers: At first I thought Dragoon was a typo but you used it twice...why? And the power's interesting...Wait a second, wave? I though the soldier attacked? I'm so confused. If it's a wave than it's out, 'cause Wade has an attack a lot like that. Go with the initial thought of a water warrior.
The second power has absolutely nothing to do with water. And that's all I'm saying because that's enough.
Guardian: Well, is he a garden snake or a cobra? And the logic still doesn't work because the dragon thing doesn't make sense. And the snake's name changes. Also, the guardians -are- the people they're named after. They've just been reincarnated into animal bodies.
Overall, it's got some potential but it was choppy, unimaginative for the most part, and could definitely use some work.
Final Verdict: Reject.
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Angie:
*pulls tinsel off the red pen, shakes head* Bloody kids and their celebrating. *whistles long and loud, Rayya stumbles out, bleary- eyed with tinsel in her hair* Up and at 'em, girly. No more Christmas for you. Time to help review.
Rayya: *yawns, flops down, nods*
Roanoke, Planete... Yay, Astronomia. The sadly high mortality rate of that team has oft been lamented on.
Rayya: *eyes Angie, sighs* Right. Hmm, name works, age is a pretty popular one in Roanoke. Or rather that age range is.
Scorpio is fine; you're not in Rome. *reads* Okay. The family really needs personalities. Age and occupation and looks are one thing but how do they all get along with Meryl?
Rayya: And please tell me that they don't wear the same clothing over and over again.
*eyes the skills suspiciously* Okay, three languages is one thing. You've listed -four-, however. Japanese and Chinese are completely different and, anyway, which -dialect- of Chinese? I'd assume Mandarin but... I really hate to assume things in applications. And can't she do -anything- outside of those things? Can she stand on her head? Speak in Pig Latin? Rub her belly and pat her head at the same time?
Likes and dislikes are dry and reveal nothing of the character other than she's (probably) a teenage girl. Foods and subjects are much more interesting and unusual. *blinks* Where does the police officer thing come in? Nothing in her likes or dislikes pointed in that direction. She doesn't like -running-; does she know that cops run?
*blinks* "Neither the less proud?" Um, okay... How was her father mean? Is her mother that inconsiderate that she ditched her daughters with him while she escaped in work? Did anything actually - happen- in her life other than almost drowning? And her father, this allegedly mean guy, turned down a contract because his -ten year old- daughter yelled at him? Sounds like a really nice and accomodating guy to me.
Rayya: *stares, softly* Meryl doesn't act like a real kid. She got to stay in school, at home, with all of her friends, and she dumps them all and become an introvert? Why?
... Is this girl so incredibly spoiled rotten that she thinks almost having to move and whatever the "mean-ness" from her dad was negates her early life? Unless he bloody well did something above and beyond what has been implied, no normal child would react like this soap opera drama queen.
I thought she was a cold introvert at the end of her history. Why would she be sharing out pity? The voice detail is very nice, though, and fits with what can be assumed thus far. Hmm, soothing like the sound of the ocean. Okay, some of this personality works and works lovely. Quietly smiling jealousy is a lovely flaw. So is the emotional coldness (even if her history makes this a puzzling trait). On the other hand, other things contradict. An emotionally cold person does not usually share out pity nor do they often spend a day worrying and guilting over their actions. The two halves of Meryl don't fit together at all.
Appearance works for me except I could use a few more details (face shape? structure?). And a better idea of her clothing would be appreciated. She -does- get a change of clothing in this game.
The fuku is distressingly close to the traditional Sailor Moon get- ups. Here's where you can really let your inner fashion designer shine! Let loose and go wild with designs. You can put your unfortunate character in whatever you like.
Transformation is workable. With the small exception of the dragon theme I'm noticing. Is there a reason or is it a design feature? Just wondering.
Water Dragoon Smash doesn't quite make sense - the wave becomes a person and then slams into you? How many times can she do this? How long does it last? What happens if it doesn't hit? And 50 feet is really quite a large wave to be able to summon land-locked.
Sign of Mercury has -nothing- to do with water.
Your logic makes sense. However, you chose Hercules based on Hydra. Who is no longer your senshi. So... No longer making so much sense.
No. Youma. In. Sailor. Myth. And you switched Hydra to Mercury. You left Hydra in your writing sample.
Final verdict? *pokes Rayya who starts awake and rubs at her eyes* Reject for Revisions. We need the holes in the history filled in, the personality merged into a coherent whole, and some properly kick- ass powers. Thanks for going out, though!