Woodknot: Stats- Is he Enoch or Metatron? From the rest of the app. it looks like Metatron. Element? Metatron is an angel of death but since we already have one of those... Leah: *waves* it should be something else, souls could be a possibality. Scorpio is quite over used for death like characters and we already have 4. A 16 year old would probably be in the 11th or 12th grade. History: I don't get the sheep thing but that doesn't really matter anyway. Leah: Lamb chops are good. The training stuff sounds a bit odd. Oh, no. Dead parent. NO DEAD PARENTS. I hope that raven is not his guardian. No birds. That whole last part is freaky. The angel is not suppose to show up and give the powers itself but that is up to Emiko if it is OK. Personality: Good looks? I want flab and pimples! Ahh, how sweet. A guy that actually likes kids. His mother is ailing now too? Gapo! He is a little too perfect for my liking, where are his flaws? Appearance: *gets out a metric ruler* 157 cm= 5'1 . What's up with all the short people? No more red hair, get another color. He carries his swords everywhere? If you take them to school you WILL get suspended. Why doesn't the sword just appear when he needs it? Powers On "Ultimate Significance! Severance!" the severing the soul from the body needs mucho clearafication. On "Tree of Souls!" Enoch is whom? Sticking with one name is good for us simple minded folk. On "Highest Power of Abundance. Descend." since when did death have anything to do with healing? These powers mixed several elements and were too powerful. This dude is a one man army. Star/Myth/Angel: Good reasearch but it sounds like your application was for an angel of death and as I already stated we already have one. Writing Sample: Touchy, touchy. The raven thing is coming awfully close to a guardian. The writing was good with me though. Decision: Reject for powers, needs element, dead parents, red hair, too perfect, ast. sign, and the bird thing. ----- Colin: Colin: Angel of Death. I'm kinda scared. Serious. Carrick: Melodramatic bitch. Colin: *shrugs it off as boy pms* Why are you Carrick today? Carrick: ah, no reason. *smirk* Colin: Liar. Anyway, on to the application. Basic Stats: Colin: Hey, he goes to your school and is in your grade. Carrick: Yeah, I bet he's one of those dark goth kids, too. Colin: You could only hope. Remember your last goth boy? Carrick: yeah, let's not go there, all right? Colin: Once again, teenage senshi. How tall is he? How heavy? Interesting likes and dislikes. Carrick: What's bittegourd? Colin: It isn't real, don't worry your ditzy little head over it. Carrick: you suck. Well, at least he likes physics and math. Not one of those pansy-arse drama/art/music kids. He's got a sick obsession with cooking. mysterious. Colin: You can barely use the oven. History: Colin: Does mom have a job or is she Xena? Carrick: "changed from the introverted and quiet boy into an outgoing youth with the courage to move mountains?" *gag* Uhh, yeah. I'm gonna die now. kindly excuse me. Colin: Stock dialouge. It's killer. Anyway, this kid is touch too creepy for his own good. At age fourteen he decided to be the one to rise above it all? I've gotta puke now too, pardon me. Carrick: Don't you need a liscense of some sort to own swords? Colin: You'd think so. I'm thinking he plays for our team. Carrick: Yeah, that innocence'll be fun to crush. Colin: You're evil, but I write you, so isn't I who is evil? Carrick: Don't even try. Anyway, those anime influences don't really make for an original character. But he does score points for helping his now ailing mother. Why's she ailing again? Colin: Haven't the foggiest. Anyway, about this whole not looking back business? Cliche? Yeah. Right here. Especially with how cold he is and whatnot. Carrick: Ain't he just the flawless Adonis? So perfect I could puke again. Eat like a pig and never get fat? I wish I had that much of a metabolism. Colin: Why can't there be plump senshi? I'm serious! *waves at Rick's belly* Carrick: Shu'up! Always carries his Japanese swords? You'd think someone would call the authorities or something. Not in Curt world, though! Oh god no! What kind of name IS Curt, anyway? Colin: What kind of name is Carrick? But yeah, I like the detail on the swords, but you're writing for the person that holds the swords, sweetheart. Fuku, Powers, and the Like Colin: Well, it certainly is... death-like. Carrick: I don't like it. Colin: Why? Carrick: I don't like this app... can we PLEASE stop reviewing? Colin: Well... a little more. Carrick: All right. Colin: Transformation? What's this bg he speaks of? Carrick: No clue. That must be the theme of the app. We give up. We recommend this app for rejection with SERIOUS revisions. A lot of stuff needs to be drawn out more. Some stuff needs to be downplayed. Other things should be thrown out the window completely. If this character's going anywhere, you need to rebuild your foundation. Try a different approach to the Angel of Death, okay? ----- Freak: Time to pull out the ol' dictionary of angels... Enoch became Metatron, for those who didn't know... so that's relevant... Short?? Metatron is supposedly the tallest or second-tallest angel in heaven... *Sigh* Scorpio... why are death people ALWAYS Scorpio?? Pisces is associated with endings... it could be a cool sign, too! Parents could use more description. 16 is 10th-11th grade. What's a curry? I'm seeing a lot of different likes, but nothing that seems particularly Death-ish... Some element-related likes would be cool. However, the sheer variety is either a) pretty cool or 2) Mary-Sue-ish. We'll have to see. ^_^; The dislikes are mostly pretty obvious; again, some element-related ones would be good. What's bittergourd? No hated subject? What about just a class where he can't get along with the teacher? And once again, the hobbies... What does he read? Textbooks? Screenplays? Penny dreadfuls? What does he draw? Happy flowers? People? Puppies on fire? What's his style? Give us some more detail! Interesting aspirations. Inconsistent tenses in the history; the family descriptions should be listed under "family," but that's a minor point. *Raises eyebrow* Dude, that sounds SO similar to something Death said in "The Hogfather." If it is, kudos to you, because Terry Pratchett RULES! BLAAARG! DEAD PARENTS SYNDROME! BAD BAD BAD! Um... dude, the woman's husband just died.... is she a psycho or what? Well, on further thought one can react that way to shock. However, the boy's coherent response seems... odd. Normally, wouldn't children just wail? I mean, this woman is, as previously stated, slavedriverish-- wouldn't the kid be trained NOT to talk back?? This little mother-son bonding seems a bit forced and hokey... Mainly the dialogue, I think. The kid sounds WAY too mature; real children don't usually talk like that, OR react that well. Hmm... and the period after sounds pretty hokey, too... *Raises eyebrow* What's a tsuba? Uhhh... what happened after the "I am Metatron" part?? Personality... I don't know who Reiko Mikami is, so that reference is lost on me. This is why you shouldn't make outside references. When did his mother get sick? Why wasn't it mentioned in the history? I dunno about the whole martial arts thing; it's generally one of the more cliche hobbies, but since I don't think we have an army of martial artists in Myth, it can be overlooked... So far, the dude sounds more Virgo than Scorpio... I want to see a Death character who's warm instead of cold... Where are his personality flaws?! GIVE ME DOWNSIDES, MAN! I will reject apps for revision for lack of flaws alone. Appearance.... Okay, for those of us raised in America, what is 157 cm? Maroon eyes, eh? Well, a nice almost-departure from red, and combined well with the red hair. *Nod* I dunno, but isn't it, um, ILLEGAL to carry around weapons in palces like, oh, school? What are Virginia's laws on the whole weapons thingy? Oh, I see... conveniently overlooked... By the way, can I have a little more explanation on the whole swordy thing? Most of us don't have your knowledge of fencing. Appearance seems a bit too perfect, but it's well-written, so I won't complain. He doesn't wear a fuku? Isn't that against the rules?? Can we have an atypicial anthropomorphic personification?? Black is SO cliched for death. Can we get a different color for once? Again with the outside references. They're bad. Why? 1) As previously stated, not everyone gets them. B) They make it look like you're just taking traits from other characters and being unoriginal. III) It makes it look like you can't describe things on your own, not a good handicap in a writing-based game. As cool as the scythe is, can we get a different weapon? It's just TOO easy. I like the "screams of the dying" part of the henshin. Ahhh... time for rants about the powers... What does this soul-severing DO? Let me tell ya, if it instantly kills someone, I'm pretty sure you're not gonna get in. Is it dodgeable? Blockable? How many times can this power be used before Metatron collapses from exhaustion? What happens when the soul goes bye-bye? Is it possible to get the soul back? This insanity thing... again, I think it's a wee bit powerful. Is it dodgeable? Blockable? How many times can it be cast? Can the insanity be cured? What if the target is already insane? Again, for the flames thing, too powerful, and the usual block/dodge/casting questions. Why should the angel of death have a healing power? How much can it heal? Does it resurrect? Why didn't you mention the raven-speech thing in history or powers?? Okay... The biggest problem I see here is the fact that you're using Death, which, as pointed out by another, has already been claimed. If you'd still like to use Metatron the angel, he has other designations-- He's in charge of the sustenance of the world, the go- between for God and humanity, the scribe who records everything in the etherial archives, and an angel of liberation. Lesser problems: The personality has NO FLAWS! The powers are... well, too powerful. Also, there are too many Death character cliches here. Final Verdict: REJECT FOR REVISIONS AND ANOTHER CHARACTER.