Lauren:

Pegasus! There's an interesting senshi. =B I am very interested to see
what you've come up with.

Alas, once again my |337 naming skills have to come into play. Keith, an
ancient Celtic name originating from some old Celtic tribe, means
"forest". Forest rider? Uhhh . . . Well, on babynames.com it checks out,
but one thing to know about babynames.com is that if they don't give you
the background for the name, THEY'RE LYING. Usually, anyway. ^^;; So,
uh, good try, but . . . yeah.

Moving along. Look, another 17-year-old! >_> Let's just not go there.
I'm turning seventeen tomorrow, and it's JUST NOT THAT SPECIAL. -_-;;
We've got a character in Roanoke born on the 14th, one on the 19th, one
on February 9th . . . there's a whole cluster around the middle of the
month. I'd really suggest a January birthday if you want an Aquarius.

Okay, family. I love this section, so I'm picky about it--after all,
parents do shape their children. Might I just say that reading these jot
notes gives me a headache? I have a love-affair with complete sentences,
so use them, please. His mother wears the pants? Why does he say that?
The physical description is also lacking. Why does she run an occultist
bookstore? What drives her? Father has the same deal going on, but with
even less detail.

So he goes to ISAS? That's cool. It sounds like he's from out of the
country, so no complaint there, except--well, if he's Canadian, why on
earth does he go to an American school? There are a ton of fantastic
arts schools in Canada, and most artsy types in Canada won't touch the
US with a three-thousand km pole. I hope there's some reasoning on this
later on . . .

Likes and dislikes border on the very cliché. What does he sing? WHY
does he sing? Also, does his entire life revolve around his sexuality? I
wouldn't go easier on a straight character who said they liked girls, so
don't take this the wrong way--but tone it down, compadre. Unless he
actually does go around hitting on boys (and it sounds like young boys
here, incidentally, and now I've given myself a very bad image of Bob so
owwww my brain)? Does he ONLY watch gay-themed movies? You're all over
the place with the horseback-riding, 'cause he seemed like a geek to me
before that. Realistically, a Pegasus character does not need to like
horses. Does he not dislike anything else? HOW can he not?

Another character who doesn't like math. Please shoot me. Can we at
least get a reason? Any reason?

His hobbies are just okay. Does his homosexuality seriously permeate his
life this way? That doesn't seem reasonable for an RPG set in modern
times.

I can't say much about the leeway (being just a reviewing minion, not
our most revered and powerful GM), but I'm uncomfortable with that. The
history is, after all, what defines the character, and I think to just
make it up as we go along would be too loose.

Onward. Urgh. Perfect parents, perfect boy. WHEN did he learn where the
line was? HOW did he learn it? If he's artistic, did he take classes?
How were they discovered? Why did he go to ISAS instead of a Canadian
institution? Social outcasts use just as much slang and gossip as the
rest of the kids, darling, as I full well know. He came out to his
friends before his parents? How did they manage not to find out? Okay, I
appreciate his response, but I'd prefer to keep all dialogue out of the
prose. Would somebody explain to this poor agnostic what on earth Mother
Order and Father Chaos are? If he's a Galaxia, he's going to have a hell
of a time explaining his Order leanings to the LU, in my opinion. >_>
"which he came across once arriving in Roanoke," should be "which he
came across AFTER arriving in Roanoke." We have DDR in Canada too.
Horseback riding seems a little tacked on. ^^;; He got a horse? Are his
parents THAT loaded? One's a bookstore owner and the other's in the
computer industry. Uhhh . . .

I found the history too fragmented. I couldn't get a real feel for the
flow of his history--no timeline to speak of. What shaped him (BESIDES
his sexuality)? Honestly, being gay doesn't mean that everything you do
is going to centre around that. I know you had trouble with it, but
really, it just lacked plain ol' coherence.

Contrasts? This very rarely works, and I'm finding myself sceptical
already. Why does he need his "alone time"? How does it affect him if he
doesn't get it? What does he do if he needs it around people? Do people
notice that he's very private? If he's private, how can he be "open and
friendly"? He feels apart from the rest of his friends, but can still
have fun with them . . . do they notice at all that he's a bit detached?

I sensed a huge lack of flaws in this personality . . . the biggest
problem, I think, was that he doesn't have any real ones! Nothing that
can bring him down, make him depressed--and if you count "gay" as a
flaw, I may have to kill you.

He's got weird hair, that's definitely refreshing. He can SEW? Why
wasn't this mentioned in the hobbies section? That's new. Okay,
appearance, while slightly generic, passes with me.

Fuku, check . . . he ABSORBED his henshin item? Can we say no? I thought
so. It's like all those characters who radiate beauty--and yet do not
get cancer. If he's got a henshin item, say so. If he doesn't, don't
worry about it, you don't need one anyway.

Points off for using two Mercedes Lackey book names for your attacks.
Winds of Change is not related to wind and storms AT ALL. Stick to your
element, please. He has to meditate for TEN MINUTES for Stormwinds? Most
fights are over by then!

His horse . . . has a journal. UM. No. Your horse can't have a journal,
and your guardian will probably talk to you. We have a few horse
guardians over in Rome already, but it's not cliché in Roanoke, so what
I want to know is why Allat Dorsa doesn't seem to have a personality,
history, or anything else. Since she doesn't get a journal (in my
opinion), I need more information.

Star/Myth/Angel doesn't really answer many of my questions, but that's
what revisions are for! :D

The writing sample was nice. I caught a few mistakes, likely typos, but
overall the writing was fine. Still don't like the journal thing. >_>

My verdict? I really hate to say this, but I'm going to go with a reject
for revisions. I simply can't see this character as
three-dimensional--his sexuality is basically what defines him, which
makes him a big ol' cliché . . . and I think we owe it to our LGBT
friends to characterize them as people, not walking hormones. The
writing? I liked it. There were mistakes, but the writing was fairly
solid. I've been arguing between reject and reject for revisions for a
few days now, and that's what's pushed it towards Revise. I'm being a
bit harsher than usual, since this is the very last Astronomia Galaxia
position open in Roanoke, and they're really really powerful, which, for
me, equates with a harder review. ^^;; So please reapply? ^_^;;
-----

Dani:

First of all, there are some nitpick-worthy grammatical and spelling
errors - 'who's' instead of 'whose', capitalizing in unsuitable
places (especially in descriptions of food), and the word 'actaully'.
(Sorry, I have a /huge/ nitpickiness toward that sort of thing.
Expect more nitpickiness. Gomen gomen!) Secondly, there's the whole
issue with his sexual orientation - while I'm fine about it and think
it's pretty interesting, I don't think it should be a defining point
of one's personality (unless, of course, they're some sort of
crossdresser, or we're going back in time a few years when it became
something of an 'issue' in North America). I mean, sexual preference
is just a technicality; if you're one way or the other, it shouldn't
really define you unless you're an interior decorator or something.
I'd go into a speech about stereotypes at this point, but because he
(mostly) doesn't follow the general mold, I'll keep going.

Hm, perhaps in the 'Family' section you should reiterate that his
parents are living in Canada. ::waves a little flag:: I was really
confused about this section until I actually went ahead and read the
History section. Might wanna polish that up a bit. You may want to be
a little more detailed with Likes and Dislikes, too; I found that
three dislikes - two of which relate to each other so closely -
didn't really give me any insight to his personality than he doesn't
like people that don't like him... :/

Hobbies are cool, I guess; I'm happy with the fact that you clarified
the writing-and-filming parts (a lot of people seem to just
put 'writing', though they never say what). History's okay, too -
I've seen shorter. ^^ Personality is... hmm... I can't really
identify him. Other than the fact that he obviously likes guys, his
personality seems awfully generic to me. I'm sorry, but that's the
way some things go. You may want to intensify/emphasize one trait a
little more, as that seems to be the case with many characters. ^.~ I
mean, Eraen is an anal-retentive germ freak, while Kilierra is a kid.
^^U I hate to use my own characters as examples, but if I used, say,
Rayya as an example, I'd probably be subject to some form of lawsuit.
XDD

Hmm, I'll have to agree with what dL said about the whole 'Mother
Chaos, Father Order' thing. I hate to say it, but it sounds awfully
uninformed (or something like that. My brain's flying away! Heeelp!).
I'd say, drop it, because it sounds - if you'll pardon my language -
stupid. :/

Aah, another tall, slender, slightly-muskled 'stronger-than-they-
seem' type. ::shakes head, hollers:: COME ON, PEOPLE! Let's get some
noodly-boys and muskle men in here! (Sorry, Wade, but you don't count
right now. ;.;) Clarify about that hair, darlin'. Comfortwear is
great (::cheers::), though his dancewear isn't 'a little more
daring' - it's a LOT more daring! XD Cool.

About how many braids does Peggy (HAHAHA X3... so I'm aevil, kick me
now) wear in his hair? How exactly will he be running over scalding,
American pavement that's lit by summer sun with bare feet? Sandals
are an option; they're not overused. You could even give him boots
with hooves or something. :3 Exactly how long is the shirt? Knee
length, ankle length, mid-thigh length? Why does he have two
gemstones as his representative ones? Choose one and stick with it,
because you wrote earlier that amethyst was just his birthstone. How
thick are the bracelets? Are they bangle-width, or an inch thick, or
are they bracer-style?

Hmm, purple and yellow seem to be used in the henshin sequence and
uniform; add them to your colours list. Four colours seems a little
excessive; pick one, or two, or three, and stick with those. I'd
suggest eliminating violet, because you seem to use it in minimal
amounts, or make it more prominent. Describe 'battle-ready' - is he
in a fighter's crouch? Does he have a fist out, or does it vary from
battle to battle, or depending on his mood?

What's the range for Winds of Fury? He can use it a HECK of a lot -
if he's able to use it that many times, it should be /incredibly/
(and I mean /incredibly/) weak. Either that, or the amount of attacks
alloted should be reduced. Can it be dodged, or is it a 'sticky
attack'?

Hm, the 'traditional see-me-not' spell? That's not exactly
traditional - it shouldn't keep you from making the description any
shorter. Detail, man, detail. So, he doesn't have to say 'Winds of
Change' to activate it? That's okay, I suppose. And three minutes is,
I hate to say, a little bit long. Perhaps you could change it so that
the longer he holds it, the more energy is drained from him, and the
very maximum he's able to keep it up is three minutes.

Well, that's not very exciting, is it? Performed similarly to WoF,
you say? Well, gee, I feel cheated out of an attack. A twelve-foot
radius? That whole meditation thing really gets my goat. O.< Ten
minutes is an outrageously long time if he plans on doing it in
battle, and three hours beforehand seems a little odd. I mean, what
if he never goes into battle and all those minutes get wasted? A
minute is a reasonable time, I'd think. How long does the sphere last
if he keeps his concentration? If he moves while concentrating, does
it move with him, or does it remain static?

You didn't really explain a lot about the fact that he rides - I
don't think I came across it in 'Hobbies'. You may want to edit that.
Why did she have to hide the henshin item? Couldn't she just do a
Luna-flip (hehe... sorry for the reference x.x) and make it appear
out of thin air? ^^; All Guardians seem to have strange
extradimensional pockets in which to hide various interesting
gadgets. Of course, she sounds like an exception, and that's fine.
^.^ So, where was she before she came to Roanoke? Why /exactly/ can't
she reveal herself? When exactly in Keith's lifetime did this happen?
Last year, two years ago, when he came to Roanoke, perhaps? Come on,
your character doesn't know everything that's written in their
profile - you can reveal their deepest secrets here, that's what it's
for.

Hm, perhaps you /should/ research gems, then. Relevance and Detail
are beautiful, beautiful things.

Anyway, I'm sorry to do this - it's terrible feeling for me, really -
but I'll have to give this one a REJECT-REVISE. ::sigh:: It's just
that... geez, I just don't *like* him. That's a terribly personal
opinion, but it's the whole truth. Sorry, and please reapply. :3

-----

dL:

First things first... I hated being seventeen. Make him either older or younger to save him the tortuous fate of "ready-adulthood." That's all there. And I really am serious when I suggest (yes, it's only a suggestion) changing the age. Any age other than 17-21 gives you much easier leeway and/or leverage in Roanoke. You don't want to be mixed up with that crowd... Hehe. (I have two females that are 18/19 as it is!)

People love Aquarii, don't they? Because it's an air sign I'll not bother too much, but Libras are nice people, too, ya know! Again, small things like this are only suggestions for your final draft (the one on the webpage).

And AB's are a temporary no no... be an O+ or an A-, unless you want to wait for all of the ABs in Roanoke to die first.

Drop the whole Mother Order and Father Chaos schtick. I've rarely ever heard of it or anything similar and, frankly, I laugh when I do. If you are going to make an occultist, I suggest being an Eschatologist like all of my characters. Or even try the definitive "worshipping the Goddess." In which case, it might be best to describe which Goddess to whom Keith prays. After all, religion is the backbone of Paganistic culture. I have many links on legitimate occult media and titles of actual books that you can purchase, if you need any help with defining a Pagan society. But if you plan on mentioning such a thing in your history as being important to him, then you need to explain it further. ^_^

The brevity of the parental info can be dismissed since he is, after all, a Canadian exchange student.

Rhia:  I've seen the movie "Trick," believe it or not. It was very... entertaining!

I'm sure it was, Rhiannon.

Myra:  Hey, wasn't there a stripper and a guy who wrote a play or something in it?

Rhia:  Yeah!

Oh dear. I shouldn't let them have HBO... I thought I disconnected that when I found all eight of them watch "Real Sex" one night...

*Rose waves*

Damn technicians!

One thing, James, don't use big words... It boggles the mind... @.@!

As for hopping out of the coathouse to his parents about not having grandchildren, you can always adopt, say you got a woman pregnant when you were in America, then tell them that no woman would want a man with a child, then leave again. ^_^

Rhia:  Could he just be bi? I've been working on Rick for a while now, but there's no hope there... ;.;!!!

Hehe... there's "Bright Lady" again...

Dance Dance Revolution is... EVIL!

Okay, if there was any guy named "Jacen" connected to ISAS in ANY way, then he would be dead by now. ^^;

He floats around groups? C'mon, the guy can't be -that- popular. As for the contrast, everyone has those and every character does, too, but the only character allowed to express supreme dichotomy in Roanoke is Jack. Make him one extreme or the other, it's more fun... (I liked Virg better when I made him a meanie in the required revisions! ^^;)

Can someone make a gay character that's in denial, please? It would be so refreshing to see such a change. @.@;;;

How long is Keith's hair? That's really important. Is his hair a brown, or what? Any color can be dark... just add black or it's complement... His braid is only three strands of hair thick? That's wimpy.

His hair is replaced by silver in transformed state? Silver what? What does the pegasus look like? Is there a reason it's yellow? List yellow in colors, then.

How big are the bracelets? Are thet solid or chain? I'd just like to know how they supported the stone, whether it was a charm or actually made into the thing.

He absorbed the crystal into his heart? Very... aorta-clogging. Things like that aren't really logical, y'know? *looks over to the grinning fox, Medea* Oh well!

Just skip the absorption and say he doesn't need one. It's possible to do that, a know...

Soo... in his transformation, only his silver stuff is put on? Is he nude? I thought you gave him a fuku, yet I don't see it ever appearing on him in the transformation section. It must've been somewhere in all those colors. Very simple.

Purple should be added to colors, too.

Five or seven!? Nine or ten!? Have you even READ a chapter? Those numbers are outrageous. Maximum use should be four, even though he would never be given the chance to do so in a normal battle.

"See-me-not?" Just say "the winds deflect attacks." It's much more intelligible. As for it being traditional, let's hope it's not. The winds obviously do not prevent others from detecting his body, because they winds themselves can be seen thanks to debris. If the winds allow him to be invisible, then you should plainly state that; however, if the winds are active and don't hide him, then he can obviously be detected. I am serious need for explanation and three minutes is too damn long for an attack that blocks anything, nevertheless a senshi.

As for "Stormwinds," this attack screams "I am retarded." Not to dis you entirely, but the need for meditation cannot be interpreted into every story he wishes to use it in. And you cannot make an attack of this caliber. In this game, characters DO get hurt. Hell, they go into the hospital all the time, and some even die. They break bones and leave scars. Rhia's eaten pavement probably six times by now. You cannot focus an attack that leave electrical burn for an extended period of time. Frankly, I don't even see what Pegasus has to do with electricity or storms in the first place. Anything that might possibly relate the two would be Zeus throwing thunderbolts at his rider.

Normal battles don't last more than fifteen or twenty minutes... thirty if we're lucky... or we bitch around before we fight.

What's Allat Dorsa's personality like? I doubt he's allowed to take her anywhere, so is she more or less, just a friend that he visits every now and then? I, myself, have had trouble with a guardian that could not be transported easily, but, one day, I hope we can set him free or adopt him back or something similar.

Wow, Allat Dorsa knows a lot about what's going on... very few guardians know about the DU, and I seriously doubt Allat heard it over oats in the stable.

All in all, Reject for Revise. I hate rejections, but they are necessary. I have a lot of problems with your guardian and powers, but moreso with your powers. I would rethink the whole concept of Pegasus governing electricity right now. Winds are bad enough. I'm serious. They have plenty of power. I'm looking forward to the resubmission!