SkySong: Well, I guess it's time for me to get off my lazy rear and do something productive. *gets up, picks up a large blue pen and sits back down* Ok, let's go. ^^ Oooh, Galaxia. Let me just say right now that Galaxia's are the hardest ones to go for next to Universalis, so expect me to be picky as all hell. Ok, name… ok, it'll pass. Birthdate and such checks out, though Jacen is born about three days after Regina here. *shrugs* Not a point subtraction or addition, just a side-note. You'll get a lot of those from me. While it's interesting factoid that mother-dearest did not change her name, you need a –lot- more info on the parents. How do they act? Maybe a little background history for them like how they met or where they lived. They brought Jacen into the world thus they were here before so there should be more on them. The school, likes/dislikes food stuff and subjects tick off, but are a bit sparse. And is there a reason for the many Senshi colors? If those are all on his fuku you may just want to pick one and stick it there. The hobbies are –extremely- sparse, and cliché, sprinkle some oddities. Have him collect glass paperweights or something. However, the aspiration is interesting and me likes. ^^ I'm kinda iffy about having two gemstones there, unless one of them is a birthstone and the other his favorite kind. Clarify please. Ok, as for history, feel free to elaborate. ^^ Don't worry about boxing yourself in as you can "erase" and start over again should you feel like it until the app has been sent in and accepted. Details are your friend, feel free to go on and on. ^^ Ok, clarify what you mean by "was spoiled but not excessively so," I'm not getting a clear picture from that. And there are always life- shaping experiences during childhood, even if it's simply from who you've made friends with. And how so was he sheltered? Lack of cable TV? It's fairly difficult to "shelter" a child these days without taking them out to the woods and raising them in a cave, explain further. "However, what with their relaxed, calm, and open upbringing, Jacen…" Jacen what? Incomplete sentence there. Points for how he handled finding out he's gay. Ok, the part about friends confused me a bit. He's good at making friends but only has a few of them? Why? If he's good at it might he have more of them? Or is it simply a personal preference on his part to keep a small social circle? The names of his old friends are… weird. But I'm not going to worry about that. Ok, now onto the more current stuff. What types of shorts do they like to make? Jeans or polyester? Regina: *whacks her creator* Not those kind of shorts! Oh, the other kind? Regina: *patient, long suffering expression* Yes, the other kind. Oh, ok then. Still, the question remains: what kind of shorts? Comical, serious, music vids? DDR is friggen cool, a friend of mine is obsessed with it, aren't too good at it myself though. It's mentioned here that he has a PSX, does he use it for anything other than DDR? It's not mentioned anywhere else, and why isn't the DDR mentioned in his hobbies if he's so obsessed with it? Ok the last paragraph I'm very iffy about. Who was this friend who let him ride horses? How did they meet? I read ahead and checked up on the guardian thing, and it really doesn't sit well with me, not only that but there is already another fairly irresponsible horse guardian out there, and really it just seems to be an excuse for having Jacen already awoken in his Senshi-hood. You can simply do an intro story that would work much better, and you would also get points for his supper level that way too. Just a suggestion, this part might check out with the other reviewers. Ok, the slip personality thing is fairly interesting, but I don't really see the point. I recommend you go and develop this a bit more if you feel like keeping it however. Appearance checks out, but mostly for having nothing to bite on than being spectacular. However, further explain "martial arts pants" I'm not getting that. The fuku description, while short, seems to be fine, I'm not going to pick on that. Your other reviewers will. ^^ Woah woah woah, he –absorbed- his hesnhin? -How?- That aside, the transformation has lost me. -_- More description of "Winds of Fury," not only in how it looks, but what it does, how long it takes, and how much power it drains from him. And what does "Winds of Change" a.k.a. "see me not" have to do with winds and storms aside from the name? "Stormwinds" : `wide range but selective.' Care to explain? See my previous statements for "Winds of Fury" and since he doesn't have a responsible guardian to explain this to him, how does he know he needs to meditate before hand? And since there's no previous mention of meditation he's probably going to have to practice at it a –lot-, and will probably end up doing it wrong several times, since meditation is –hard- I should know, I've tried it. I don't like the lazy horse guardian. Personal preference, never thought horses would make good guardians, this one isn't improving my opinion as such. See my previous comments on such on his awakening phase in history. Explanation thingy checks out ok. Writing sample isn't bad, though I'm kinda wondering what Jacen meant by "bright lady." Ok, overall, this was a decent app. But for a Galaxia Senshi, it was rather weak, and overall, the main difficulty with it was explanation and detail. Reject for Revision. ----- Steph(?): Ah... James... I told you I was gonna be hard on you because I know you... and I plan to stick to that... be prepared for any negativities. Good, good. Astronomia are a weak group. Not popular like Graikos and Romanus... have alot of people who've bowed out (I used to be one). Nice to see more Astronomia attempts. And yes yes. Galaxia is high level Astronomia. But yes. I'm giving you major points for choosing Astronomia. The name... the name. It's a good name, not too common not too uncommon. I like the unique spelling. But as I've told you before... Jacen is quite close to Jace. I won't bother you about it. I'll leave that to Tami or Emi. Mmm. Birthdate. I say that's pretty good to go. Closeness to birthdays of other Senshi shouldn't be a problem... I don't think same day as another senshi should be too bad... fact of things is that Winter birthdays aren't very popular. Points for that. Blood type... we'll examine this later... when I read personality. Same goes for astro sign. QEII!! They're taking my wisdoms out sometime next year! EVIL! *hiss* Mmm... family could use a bit more detail into personality. I suppose it can slide considering Jacen isn't living with his parents. And since this is a sheet about the character I'm not sure how much parental history matters unless it's parental history with child though it is a nice touch. Shows you really thought the guy out. ISAS... yes yes. Very good. Not sure how many of them we have here. Just a neat school in my opinion. He's in Briony's grade!! Briony will be in grade 12 Season II! Boys... cliche. Movies... needs a bit of elaboration. Horse back riding is good because it's different. Not many people put that down. Dislikes are cliche especially for a gay character. But then again must gay/lesbian people have that dislike as one of their strongest. Personal experience I suppose. Favorite foods aren't all cliche like saying burgers, pizza, etc., hated foods aren't too cliche considering he isn't vegetarian. If he were vegetarian saying that would get wide eyed reviewers who look at the app and say "Duh? He's a bloody vegetarian!" Colors are good but you do have alot. I think it's alright to just say one or two even if you use more. Put the two main colors... the mostly used ones. I definitely think the aspiration is neat. Very spiffy. Two stones... clearly state why when you introduce the stones. Quality over quantity I suppose but the more detail you can add the better. Detail is a very much loved, valuable reqource here... we base or economy (in other words our game) on detail. Detail is a beautiful lovely thing. When applying for things sometimes you have to appeal to the interests and preferences of your superiors (in this case the reviewers) rather than your own personal interests and preferences. Major points from me for creating a hometown boy. But that's me, and I'm being biased because... well... I'm being biased... it's my bloody hometown! YEAH BABY! Hmm... starting the history off like an essay? Nice thesis statement boy. You had Plato at some point didn't you? And obviously Milligan as well. However... the thesis statement should outline what is to come. You introduced a spoiled element that never got explained. Details. Sheltered childhood. I must agree that it is hard to be sheltered these days. THESE days. When we were kids it was only just getting hard. But yes still... explain how he managed to not be exposed to the light and the dark. Details. How is he Naive? In what ways? How did his naivity help him come to terms with Homosexuality if he was part of a very cliquish Junior High group? If he wasn't exposed to negativity towards Homosexuality then why would he think his cliquish group would have a problem with his outedness? Or his parents in that respect? Details. I shall also be the second to point out that you haven't finished the sentence about his parents and his homosexuality. Hrm... didn't have alot of friends growing up... but was part of a cliquish group? So I assume (and make an ass of u and me) that he wasn't friends with most of this cliquish group as cliquish groups tend to be quite large... unless Junior High isn't counted in growing up. It is a nice touch however, that you mentioned he still keeps in touch with his old friends. That's nice. Details! Yes yes. DDR. Not my type of game but meh. What other games does he like to play? Why is video games not in hobbies and interests? Curiouser and curiouser. Details. Ai! I like this part. Local kid reaches out to try and give Jacen a friend! How nice! And I like this whole paragraph really about his getting into horseback riding... except for one thing... DETAILS! How'd he meet this local? Through school? Is it a kid who lives in the area and just goes to the school or is he a local because he's been at the school for awhile? If the latter is true then how'd the kid get into horseback riding in Roanoke? If neither are true and Jacen just met the kid on the streets... DETAILS!! DEEEETAAAAIIIILLLSSSS!!!!!! Oooohh... him being awakened. I've told ya this before... it'd be quite nice if there was a bit more interaction described. Also how'd Jacen feel about becoming a senshi? A little bit more about this. How'd he know how to transform. There's kinda an explanation on the guardians behalf before someone walks off and is just "Oh cool I'm a senshi!" Details. Ah yes. Here's the part where I shall examine your personality and try and see where it fits everywhere else. Blood type matches with the personality... if not a bit too well. I'm having difficulty seeing where most parts of being Aquarius fit here though. And Maybe for people who don't read, eat, chew, swallow dictionaries for dinner... explain Dichotomy. Also be nice to see a bit more about his beliefs... views, more quirks. You have a few traits... they seem quite human... real... but not fleshed out. Now take this clay model skeleton of a human, work some mental hocus pocus to make him more fleshy and real. And boy crazy is cliche. It's a true trait but well... we need a bit more 3 dimensionality. Give him more spirit, more heart. We need outlook, mentality, beliefs, philosophies, morals, traits, quirks, strengths and weaknesses. Make him fleshy! Bishie? He sounds like he's gonna be Bishie. 5'11" at 140 lbs is definitely Bishie. at 5'11, with fair amount of muscle (muscle weighs more than fat) he should be a good 150-165 lbs. Even if the muscle doesn't show it's still there. 1 kg of muslce is about the size of my fore arm. James... hun... you've seen my forearm. Rethink the weight a bit maybe? I like the hair... a bit Wade-ish... but that's nit picky. I'll leave nit picky to the chiefs. How'd he get dye for purple, blue and silver? Silver must be quite difficult. Grey isn't hard, but silver? Nit picky again I know. Martial arts pants? Like Karate pants or Judo pants? Those are very comfy. They're quite daring in themselves though considering most companies refuse to sell them in plain colors. Also... would he wear those in winter? Judo pants tend to be ankle length and Karate pants tend to have a huge range from mid calf to heel. But there's also a thickness issue. They are VERY light materials. But then again, it's Virginia and being a Canuck... North Eastern canuck, I have no idea how cold or warm Virginia winters can be. And also I'm being nit picky. Alright... Change colors to white and pale blue then, maybe even silver. Colors sort of has to be in relation to fuku not personal likes. There isn't enough yellow or purple to be significant. What type of pale blue? Sky, Electric, Cornflower, Periwinkle, Baby? I personally like the tranformation. Very nice, simple, gets the job done in a pretty flahy way but not over flashy. I'll leave it to Emiko or Tami to decide on your henshin situation. I think it's interesting and unique. However in that situation I think it's up to them. I suppose I should say something about what are the effects... drawbacks, limitations and such... and I suppose I can say that for all the powers. They are good ideas though. The only power you really have much detail on is Stromwinds. You have a bit on Winds of Fury but more might be needed. I'm not a good authority for powers though because all I care about is whether they're decent in theory. I've already said my thought on the absentee guardian to you. But I will mention it again. It's not a great idea. You're guardian has to have an active role in your awakening and has to explain to you who you are, what you are, why you are, etc. Also as the word says... your GUARDIAN GUARDS you... they protect you, help you, guide you. You check out on writing sample and explanation... I'm not sure whether to accept or reject with revisions but revisions are definitely needed. Erg... just for lack of detail I guess I'll reject with revisions. ----- Annie(?): Aaaah. Annie's vewy fiwst appwication. Awwww. Lessee... Change the name. We already have a Jace, and that other guy, Asa Jason? Yeah. So change the name. Well, if his parents are in Canada, and he's in Roanoke, I guess short descriptions are okay. I'd like _some_ mention of personality. Flesh them out, they're just cold heartless shells right now. I'd like to see some more varied likes and dislikes, maybe some reasoning behind a few? Lots of people hate prejudice, what are the little things that piss him off? MMMmmmmmmm... garlic bread. Food portion is my favorite. Yes! Film and video's a good class! But everybody hates math. Except those freaks who like it. Yeah yeah, should practise what I preach. Jeremy: I like Band and English! I hate Gym. *pulls at collar* Ehheh... yeah, well Math sucks, so I'll let him hate it. YES! That's an excellent dream. He sounds very Film Festival-y. Endeavor! Nice choice of words! He's a Newfie! I love Newfies! I think you're missing a sentence or two. The history's good, albeit short. Holy, he must do a _lot_ of Dance Dance Revolution. That's not necessarily a bad thing. :) Love the dress style. *stuffs Jeremy into a mesh shirt* Jeremy: Ha ha, they said "Breast"! His fuku is very... cloud-esque. I don't know what I'm talking about. A stealth guardian... interesting. Is that allowed? I saw your site. I agree, Scott Moffatt is _very_ good looking. I got his autograph! :) On the whole, I'd say Reject with Super Revisions. Why 'Super'? Well, why not! Flesh the dude out, and change his name. My advice: Visit RPG de Freak. There's a sort of RPG Application Tutorial of sorts. Whoa, that was redundant. I'll leave it there because I like redundancy is what I like. http://www.haas-online.net/rpgdefreak/ ----- Colin: A Galaxia-class senshi, eh? I'm afraid I'll have to be brutal with this one. A meaningless name is quite all right, but the name in and of itself seems fairly commonplace, alternate spelling or not. Tell me LOTS more about Mom and Dad, to begin with. Flesh out those physical descriptions, relating them to Jacen's physique might help you make things go easier, there. Also, how do Mom and Dad feel about each other and Jacen? Happy marriage? Lack of love? Pride for their son? He must not be from the States or have important parents to go to ISAS; I also don't think it's a commuter type school. Hobbies, Likes, Dislikes, etc. are all distressingly cliche; if he hates prejudice so much, why does he support the stereotype? Expound on some of the things you touched on in history and personality. History is... passable. Tell us about some misfortunes he may've had to deal with, or relate some more anecdotes about his life. What caused his ability to make friends show itself upon reaching ISAS? What exactly is he doing in Roanoaoke? Clarify. That whole horse- riding thing comes off as really random and out of left field... Why does he do it, exactly? The personality seems rather fluffy; I just get the image of a hormonal social butterfly... Put in some more detail. What makes him mad? sad? happy? What events have crafted him to feel this way? How can he get instantly attached to another person if he doesn't feel all that close to his friends? Is Jacen emotionally stable here, or what? Sounds kind of borderline, to me. In short, tell us more. I fear that Carrick might be forced to fight this kid for dominance. As a matter of fact, this character is all too reminiscent of another member of the Astronomia team, Gemma Knight/Carrick Luxington. This could be a problem. How is his upper body defined? Describe his body more; facial featurs and the like. This kid is also a bit too perfect, so give him some aesthetic flaw or something; we're going for believability here, not swoon-potential. Again, he's fairly cliche here. Guess which other astronomia has all ready claimed silver for his fuku? Gemma. I suppose this can pass, though. Is he wearing some sort of foot-wear or some sort of disguise protecting him from being recognized? Can you better describe this aquamarine business? Transformation is decent, but does it take place on the ground or in the air? Define great pain and damage. Maiming damage? Light burns? Is there a range on this attack? Can it be targetted or is it a closest-enemy thing? I feel as if I've seen something similliar to this move elsewhere, but can't place it. Does it shoot out a single bolt, or is it a stream of air? Tell us more. Wind is an invisible force, and thus can't render anything else invisible. This conflict aside, can he move while it's on? Can it just affect his immediate person or is it an area of effect technique? It would make more sense if he summoned cloud cover or something for something of the same effect. I'd rethink this one, if I were you. The last attack needs to be toned down; first and foremost, a charge time of ten minutes? Do you realize how long that is in the heat of battle? Does he charge for it just in case he might use it? And if the attack isn't used, what happens to the stored energy? I also don't buy the selectivity of the attack's targets. If he were to get that much cocentration, he'd have to be way out of range of combat, or with really heavy guard. All in all, the powers need major revision. I could buy a few of them, given that we're talking about a Galaxia-caliber soldier, but you need to be sure that everything sticks within sphere. You also need to qualify and quantify everything you say when it comes to an attack. Give me numbers, durations, specific damage estimations. The guardian is a little hard to buy; telepathic link? Come on now. Tell us a lot more about her personality, too. She'll be a player character and needs a voice and motive. The writing sample is well done, if not very outstanding or providing much insight into the character other than a vignette as to how he got started in the Senshi business. This app needs a major overhaul, in my opinion. A lot of things are there, but they need more explanation and need to be generally longer. Other things are really reminiscent of a certain member of the Astronomia team, which I think don't need to be doubled-over in that exact way. This application is a skeleton just waiting to be fleshed, so get to it! Reject for revisions.