SkySong: Ok, I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet. You were aiming for a feminie version of Raphael and got Raphaella, since that's the fem version what does it mean? (Ex: Reginald (Masculine): King // Regina (Feminine): Queen) I'm not going to pick on the blood type, birthdate, and etc, I'll let someone else do that. More details on the parents, and what was the purpose of her brother? He's not mentioned one lick in the rest of the app even though he was a "nameless Kamen who was supposed to protect her." I'm not going there. As for dislikes, define "being "CLOSE"", how close? She loves biology but hates math, but she'll need both if she wants to go into the medical field. The history is too short and lacking in detail. Her personality is contradictive. So she's scrawny but "not in certain places." Which certain places are we talking about here? Her breasts, her butt? What? Your fuku sounds like it's going for the traditional Senshi fuku… you're not supposed to have one. Did you look at the Joining section under "Fuku"? I recommend that you do. "The snakes turn into leaves underground"? Do you mean "on the ground"? I think you need some clarification on the transformation. As for "Kiss of an Angel" note there are no such things as status ailments unless someone's chara is naturally easily scared or such. Same thing can be said about "Tree of Eden" (and what do those two attacks have to do with wind?) No such thing as status ailments, and it can be used as a multipurpose attack, all depending on what she wants it to do. Ditch it. Yes, I read your Myth section and the fact that Raphael is a healer could probably be incorporated somehow in your magic area, but not in the way it is now. And according to the almighty Emiko-sama, Raphael's power is wind, air, and such this should really be evident in her powers. Drogo also seems to be rather contradictory in himself as well. If he is so business like wouldn't he try to remain objective about his charge and not develop a crush on her? And Raphael's element is air and not snakes. … … You DO know that you're supposed to start a new paragraph when a different person speaks right? Ok, my verdict is RJECT for family, personality, history, fuku, powers, guardian, and other smaller aspects. I suggest you go and look at some of the other apps and re-read through the Join section of the site. SkySong signing out. ----- Colin: All righty. First real app review in quite some time. I'll do my best! Savina/Rick/Sigurd: Us too! *various victory V's* Why is her name so foreign when her folks are so... mundane? The only Italian link I can see is that the mother's name is Donna, but that's fairly common in the US. Also, I might reconsider renaming her; not making her name so much like her senshi-persona, but that's munitia. The parents are fairly stereotypical, not to mention, what do they look like? The blood types are a nice addition, but are completely irrelevant unless you were going to call in one of those "If person X is A+, they're liable to act artsy and favor petunias to lillies" things. I'm telling you now that the older brother thing will never fly; either drop his senshi status or drop him from the app all together. Tell me more about the personalities of her parents and how they act towards each other, her, and whatever you're planning to do with brother. Rick: She goes to North Cross, eh? I'll be sure to say hello. And I don't think they're cool with grade skipping; more likely to stick you in higher-level classes while maintaining your credit-level title; (i.e. Raffaella might be a sophomore taking junior honor stuff and then AP courses/independent studies). Likes/dislikes are common. I'd drop a few and develop more in her personality. Also, if memory serves, the Roanoake kids have no clue that the DU exists. Savina: Her hated food is Apple-what? If my English skills are up to snuff, darling, one must specify what exactly you mean by using the plural, that is, apples as the fruit, or a noun-clarifier like pie, or tarts. Don't mind her. Yeah, hated subject of math is rather original. North Cross offers a lot more than your basic course studies, y'know. She might dislike introvert studies, or history or women's lib. Also, I can think of a handful of present senshi that fill the 'downright annoying' clause quite nicely. I'd give her some sort of new angle, toots. Do you mean to say her family picked up and moved because she didn't like the city? Realism. And lots of it. I seriously doubt even the most gifted four year olds would be reading medical books. Once again, let's be a little more realistic here, okay? I'd like A LOT more detail on the history; minimum three paragraphs; either give her more meat (like, why she moved to Roanoake, what happend to her in home school, family business, dead brother) or expound on the present stuff you have. How is she a magical angel? Where are her parents not to give her that attention she needs? Wouldn't a 'doting' mother give her child lots of attention? You say she has all of these things to her, but you need to go into more detail as to where they came from. What is her fixation with medicine about? Why is she so wise beyond her years and naive at the same time? Why does an introvert like boys, which would be other people? You need to define this character A LOT more. Isn't 5"6' kind of tall for a girl? Well, then stop being a broken record and whip out the old thesaurus. Besides, my image of scrawny is probably differs from yours. How heavy is she? What's her facial bone structure like? Eyebrows? Ears? Any oversized appendages we should know about? All of her toes/fingers? All I see is this green- eyed cat thing of a person. Why is her hair soo... long? Maybe that's why she's a social outcast? And wouldn't it be really nasty if it went down to the floor and bitch to wash? I don't understand the mix of a crystal and medical staff; is it a crystal in the shape of, or is there an inlaid medical staff? Tell me more about the fuku in general. Any ruffles, patterns, inking, that we should know about? You're making something that's you and you've got the general ideas out there, but you need to fine tune and focus every last thing to make this character something you'd be happy with. There's a lot more to a fuku than a skirt and wings and whatnot. What color are the wings? Are there varying shades of blue? What's the jacket made of? Don't you "oh and her crystal" me. Is her pendant her henshin item? What does that henshin have to do with the powerbase of air? I'd be careful on the use of that medical staff, as I believe we've all ready a character that's devoted to that. I don't believe the Angelus have wings at their starting stage. What kind of ballerina poses? And the rest of her body? Where in god's name is that? Detail, detail, detail! The first power is a tad too strong for the original senshi form; she should have to be in a very close range for this to work. It probably wouldn't be half as effective in battle as you'd think. What does wind have to do with healing, anyway? I don't understand where you're going with this character in the least bit. If you acknowledge these things as "original, ne?" then that's a problem. A big one. You want these characters TO BE ORIGINAL and not some stock waste of a text file. Anyway, even if I were to allow this power to exist while having nothing to do with air, what do 'purify' 'heal' and 'destroy' do exactly? And how? You need to quantify and specify in the extreme what your attacks do. Once again, what does the Tree of Eden have to do with wind? You need to stay on topic here. Scrap the guardian. His personality is far too common and why is he a snake, again? Cold, uncommunicative people normally don't blurt their opinions, mind you. What do medical staves and the tree of eden have to do with the wind? Even though he might be the Angel of Healing, for our purposes, he is the angel of wind. Keep your powers on topic, and give me more detail over all. The writing sample is abysmal. I found a multitude of basic mechanical errors; a few comma-splices, dialogue is hard to follow. Don't bring up the dark universe. You've abundant pluralization errors, not to mention a purely predictable plot-line, which isn't necessarily bad, but boring. Quit saying Raff every other line; try some pronouns. Or, check this handy guide that Emiko wrote out and put on the page: I'd also recommend that you check out some of the accepted apps and see what they wrote to get accepted and compare that to what you have. Now, you don't need to copy what they wrote, but look at some of the things they chose to include or not include. Reject with hopes of revisions. Not a bad first effort, but it'll take a few more tries to get an accept. Keep trying! ----- Emiko: Hrm you start right off saying she's hyper, but we've already got plenty of hyper folk in Roanoke and I'm too keen on any more. Hyper characters get really annoying very fast and tend to use hyperactivity as an excuse to not have anything else in their personality. But since this is only the first sentence of the app, let's move on. Why is her name nearly identical to her senshi identity? It just seems kind of silly to me. And what kind of a last name is "Aharon?" March 7th is okay, that's actually three days before mine... Uh, what do family blood types matter? I'd rather hear something about what these people look like, or how old they are. She has a dead brother who was a nameless kamen who died a few years before the story starts. A couple of problems here. First, you can't just make up a senshi relative like that without applying for that person as a senshi. Second, if he was a senshi, who awakened him? Third, who killed him? Fourth, what was his senshi name and group? Fifth, why does he have the same first name as Sailor Cupid? Colin is dead-on when it comes to skipping grades. You don't get to do that. In high school, you basically get to take higher-level courses but remain in the same grade. Nix the grade skippage. I'll move on to history. I can tell even without reading anything that this just isn't going to cut it. It's too short. Content-wise, it's awful. I have no idea what you're going on about concerning her birth. What kind of medical expertise or research do you have to explain yourself? If she's a genius, why isn't she in college or something? Science wiz that hates math? *cough* Yeah, right. This all seems pretty unlikely to me. There's no realism to it. You need to learn a bit more about home-schooling, too, especially as it pertains to "genius kids." Social outcast? We'll see. I can't honestly see this giant clash of personality traits. Little attention from parents? They homeschooled her, didn't they? Nowhere else have you mentioned anything about her relationship with her parents. Her parents don't seem to be the uncaring type, either. Talos: Angst? Angst? You think she has angst? Shh, Talos, I'm trying to review. This girl has no angst. Angst requires some deeper evaluation than what we have here, which is basically a surface thing of, "Oh, she's perfect to people, fun- loving, seems nice and friendly, but everyone ignores her for a reason that nots stated and thus she must be introverted." Her traits clash too much, and the fact that someone as nice as your make her out to be doesn't have any friends or mentionable meaningful relationships makes no sense. But going back to the angst thing, you can't just say your character has angst. Angst is something that people should think the character has when they read her personality. She views death as a release from suffering... is this an endorsement of doctor-assisted suicide or an evaluation of life as a process of ongoing suffering? Who decides when someone's time has come up? Now you mention again that she's annoying, but you never say how or why. Ya know, her nickname's a little annoying. "Raff." I'd have thought "Rafe" would be a more likely nickname, to say the least. Why is she so pale? She's not normal height, she's tall for a girl. Almond-shaped eyes and black hair? Is she supposed to be Japanese somehow? You are starting to sound like a broken record, really. The personality section just seemed to repeat things a lot, and appearance isn't doing much better. Her hair frames her face yet it's always pulled back... That doesn't make sense unless she has bangs, and you've not indicated her. Her hair is also extremely, extremely long, and gives me the urge to want to lop it all off. After all, her hair is so long it trails on the ground! Do you realize how utterly insane that is? I used to have hair down to my hips and that was hell to take care of. It'd also be good to know what type of hair she has. As is, appearance is superficial and repetitive, just like personality. Your fuku description is really short. Rule of thumb: write a description that someone could draw a picture from. I'm an artist, and I couldn't draw a picture of this as it's described. Well, I could, but I'd be making most of the fuku up myself. What is with the snakes and leaves? What possible realtion do these things have to wind? Her first attack returns people to normal. There's way too much potential for abuse in that. Let's say I lob off someone's arm. Can she then return that person to normal? And this can solve psychological problems??? Those are normal for people. This power needs more restriction and detail on its effects. Also, your power base is air, not healing. Your second attack is again too easy to abuse. Destroy but not kill? Well, if you destroy a person, aren't they then dead? A power that can do "just about anything" will never fly. Hmm, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think those are diamondback markings. We already have plenty of grumpy male guardians and don't need another. And why is her theme snakes? The lowest of the land creatures for the senshi of air? We also already have a resident perv guardian: Perdix, who lusts after his appointed charge, Metis. Either Drogo spouts out his opinion all the tiem or doesn't talk much. You can't have both. Yet again you've got elements that are too contradictory. While you are welcome to incorporate healing elements into Raphael (I do acknowledge his affiliation with it) you cannot disregard the assigned element, air. You've got a bunch of grammatical errors in your writing and I can't follow it at all. Only a fool thinks she knows everything. What the heck is with this tree stuff? You are allowed to have secrets and plots for your character, you just have to explain them in your app. I'm going to skip down to the end of the review now. I simply don't feel trudging through the rest of the writing sample is going to do anything good. I won't kill you, but if death is a release from suffering, I just might kill myself. Your application lacked depth, contained too many contradictory elements, and generally doesn't seem well thought-out. Rejected.