Season One Summary
by Tami

Hi, and welcome! I'm Tami, and I'll be here to entertain you with the Unofficial Rundown of Sailor Myth, Season One. Well, basically not so much a rundown as a good reflection of everything we did over the past season, bloopers, Behind The Scenes, and things you should remember.

It's all good, but spoilers ahead - what the hell are you doing reading this if you haven't read the Season Finale and things anyway?

Let's get on with the show!

Chapter One

The first time we meet Perdix and Sophie, the meeting is not a happy one. Very much like the Serena/Usagi of old (though, you have to admit, much cooler) Sophie doesn't want her role of Metis. After much wheedling from her partidge guardian, they come to an arrangement; Sophie will listen to what he has to say if Perdix can get her out of the ugly outfit. It's here that it's first mentioned that Sophie has a 'forest', which was a setting going to be used more heavily for evil purposes but will probably be pulled into play more in Season II. We also see that Perdix has all the niceness, tact and personality of a fat, grumpy old man, though he seems quite taken with Sophie. Dwell on that.

Hell, we also just meet Sophie, who is one of the coolest heroines ever. She's a bitch, she's nasty, she's cutting, she's sadistic. She's truly a role model for us all!

We also meet Leta, who is such a ditzy blonde she comes out the other side of stupidity. And Percy, her lovebird guardian, who is cute. Sophie and Leta are part of the core Graikos huddle - and even though Sophie is apathetic at best and Leta has all the brains of styrafoam, these two'll have enough chapters to rank Super pretty soon. As for time setting, it's the beginning of the school year; by the end of things, it will be setting up into summer.

Prepare for a year of complete mayhem.

Next!

Chapter Two

The first real action takes place in Latin class, an area which will be used heavily for the rest of the season (as it luckily has four Graikos and two Astronomia taking part in the damn thing). The other two Astronomia won't be focused on for a while; here we meet the other two members of the Core cast of the Graikos. Acacia Aisling is somewhat of a loner, and completes the -actual- definition of being a loner by refusing steadily to get involved in the senshi business and only being in two stories until her death. Which is a pity, because she was a nice girl.

FUN FACT: Did you know that, originally, Theodore Parfett's honey was to be Acacia Aisling? Strange but true!

The other Graikos - Jace Kellen - joins the fray, and starts her tradition of Most Swearwords Said per chapter. In her own words from a later chapter, she speaks "like an extra from a fuckin' Vietnam movie". She's got no legs and is a redhead, and so brunette Sophie, blonde Leta and redheaded Jace form something of a tripswitch. Or a triad, I don't know. You'll find that throughout the stories, many characters appear in trios - Lissie, Gwyn and Theresa for the Romanus side, and so on. Jace, Rhiannon and Wilma are also known briefly as a triad, but as Jace works more with Jack I imagine she'll eventually be substituted for one of the newer Graikos - Cleo or Hedy, for instance.

Anyway, off sidetrack lane...

Perdix awakens Jace and Acacia, causing senshi alarm bells to ring and for Sailor Cupid, another denizen of William Fleming high, to break in to the bathroom they're hanging around in and challenge them. Mark something about Cupid; no matter what story she's in, she'll end up knocked out by the end of it. Seriously. No joke. This girl attracts more concussions than -any other character-.

Faced up with four Graikos, Cupid gets the pulp beaten out of her, and we begin to see the first huge division between Sailor Moon and Sailor Myth; people fighting other people. There will be no youmas, no smoky alien enemy that will explode into bits at the end of the episode. There will be concussions, mass injuries, unconsciousness, death. The senshi fight in whatever way they can, though magic is usually shown as the norm - some senshi -are- brawlers, but this can be seen as unfair. (Then again, it's widely restated throughout chapters that not much in the Sailor Myth universe is fair.) Many senshi will hesitate when fighting these other senshi - it's hard to seperate the idea of them from the idea of being human. You're basically trying to kill other humans. It's the senshi who can either accept or forget that who become the senshi with the highest amount of kills.

Cupid is defeated (knocked unconscious, who'da guessed?) and shoved ungracefully into a toilet stall with squawking guardian Venustus. Leta, Sophie, Jace and Acacia detransform, pretty unruffled, and return to get cross-questioned by Latin teacher Mr. Campbell, who would have to be one of my favourite NPCs.

I recommend reading everything Perdix says. It's all important. And remember the setting; a lot of scenes take place in bloody bathrooms. It's the female equivalent of the rooftop.

Favourite quote in that particular story, because it basically says everything you'll ever need to know about Sophie: "What? You think I just pulled the fire alarm for fun? I set a fire first."

FUN FACT: Originally, Hephaestos was supposed to be a completely useless senshi as she kept on forgetting how to walk. This running gag was forgotten after her first chapter, though problems with the legs still remained. Strange but true!

Chapter Three

I may be biased, but the first altercation between Neptune and Hyperion would have to be one of my favourite stories - as they're two of my favourite rivals. (Want other rivals? See Horologium and Hephaestos, Tyche and Thalia, Bacchus and Persephone, etc, etc...) Zach is one of my favourite blondes ever; he riffs off one-liners like he's in one of the Karate Kid movies or the eighties and is one of those tragic characters who doesn't really want to be a senshi but is too hungry for the power of it not to go out and patrol. Wade is his unlikely nemesis, a blue-haired too-tall jellyfish-brains who's too gentle to ever be an effective senshi.

FUN FACT: Zach and Wade are everybody's favourite slash couple. If this was an anime, there'd be more pictures of them having hot mansex than I've had hot dinners. Strange but true!

Both at the same swimming practice (Wade's trying out for the team), these two affect each other physically whilst in civilian form. As one is Graikos and the other Romanus and possibly have an old hatred for each other stemming back to the Great War, this can be expected. Wade's gentle enough to aggressive Zach, but they still get the wiggies about each other. Competition starts up first thing as they race each other in the pool, get out, and find out that Wade's blood broke blisters on Zach's hand.

FUN FACT: Wade's character was still eluding his player - me - at the time, so you'll see him swear more in this section than he does in the rest of the season. Pretend he had a minor case of Tourette's, thanks. Strange but true!

Both go out to patrol the same night, starting the famous tradition of Rooftop Fights. If you really want to enjoy every chapter and it's wonderful set of new cliches, get out a big vat of Coke and pull up Em's Sailor Myth Drinking Game, which can be found at the Sailor Myth Monthly Fun website. (http://www.geocities.com/sailormythfundamnit)

Shameless plugs aside... Neptune and Hyperion, both still suspect of who the other really is, begin to fight. Both get good shots in, though Neptune obviously really doesn't want to - being the soppy lovechild of Sailor Neptune from Sailor Moon and Raijin from FF8 - and so it's Hyperion who gets the upper hand. They stop mid-fight, however, for a chat.

What? A chat? This never happened in Sailor Moon. You don't stop for a chat with the enemy. It just doesn't happen. If it does, it turns out the enemy isn't really your enemy and you all go home for tea and buns.

Both discuss the philosophy and ethics of what they're doing. Hyperion decides to walk away, as he wants answers on the whole damn war. (Many themes later of his stories continue on his quest for answers. Pity the poor boy seldom gets them.) Neptune stops him and tries to coax him into joining a partnership; Hyperion appears to agree, then does the coolest thing in eternity and shoves Neptune off the building as they're shaking hands. Neptune is injured, though not killed, and will never forget that first meeting - leading up to other stories.

Favourite quotes from this story involve just anything Zach says. It makes me weep to see how bloody incoherent Wade is - he speaks like a hillbilly. You can practically not translate his words in the first few chapters of the season. Don't worry, he improves.

Chapter Four

By viewing the above quote... The next story involves Neptune and Cupid awakening a harried Aesculapius, involving more Livia and Venustus than you'll ever want to see. Asa flings off grumpy one-liners like he is also in the eighties, and lives up to his reputation as the most relucant senshi; for the rest of the season you won't see him except as mentioned, as he manages to put off the rest of the Romanus team by stepping out the game. However, when he -does- appear, you're guaranteed a laugh.

Wade is stupid. Jamie is little better. Asa is funny. This chapter is good for rampant senshi exposition by Livia, and... running with the same theme of last time... Cupid ends up unconscious by the end of it.

Hyperion is mentioned again in many vengeful terms. Asa has the coolest reaction I've ever seen to being awoken. Livia is even harder to understand than Neptune. All in all, another good chapter, especially if you're as enamoured with Asa as I am!

FUN FACT: This is the only chapter in Season I that appears in a hospital. Odd, that. Season II'll have a lot more. Strange but true!

Chapter Five

Em's terse summary: "It will never finish. To summarize: Azrael and Odilo are at the mall. Phoenix is at the mall as well. Gawain swoops down to awaken Sarin and inform him and Phoenix that there are other senshi nearby. The four senshi meet in a short-lived but furious battle which ends when one of the sides retreats or they get tired. The end."

Cripes.

Chapter Six

Ah, Persephone and Bacchus, completely abortive rivals and so sweet... If you hadn't guessed, the above quote's describing them (and how tender Jace is about their situation). The first story for the both of them, Rayya and Wilma are core characters - Rayya is a party-lovin' Romanus with hair down to her butt and a bust admired by drunken Italians everywhere, and Wilma is a 'pot-smoking hippie' - a cute, purple-haired teenybopper Graikos with high morals who, repeat, does not smoke pot. Both are pitted against each other when Perdix awakens Wilma at a halloween party; however, neither -really- want to fight, despite being Graikos and Romanus. They're both 'hippies' - part of the gentler generation of the senshi who don't really want any part of the war (but are often forced into it due to grouchy guardians or grouchy workmates). Wilma will later harden up due to grouchy co-senshi and Rayya will suffer a tragedy that haunts her into fighting, but until then... hippieville ahoy!

Highlights of the chapter; Perdix in a toilet, anything Julius says.

FUN FACT: Rayya mentions 'Rufus', the Angelus Thelial who, as of yet, has never appeared in the RPG. That's one down for the 'Whoops' list. (We miss you, Crys.) He will also be mentioned in other stories. Pretend Rayya's having an acid flashback. Strange, but true!

And if anyone didn't notice, this was yet again another Bathroom Story.

Chapter Seven

Oh, dear.

Projects about tea. Projects about ponies. Amir being Amir; Zaza being Zaza. The introduction of Amir, Zaza and Tibby, who between them have made me laugh so many times my lung broke. Draco and Tycho, a senshi- guardian combo that doesn't spend all of it's time bickering (aww, how sweet). Zaza, Tibby and Kanene might have been the Astronomia trio had it not been for extenuating circumstances...

Best of all, it features Hephaestos getting her arse completely kicked, a phenomenon enjoyed only rarely and when happening always fully enjoyed. By Horologium, no less.

The chapter begins with Tibby meeting Jace, a story turning-point in itself.

FUN FACT: Jace speaks exactly like Livia in the first section. Strange but true!

Jace and Theodore have an altercation, mainly over Earl Grey and the fact that Tibby had presence of mind to push her chair down the aisle. Thus follows a wrestling match which I'm sure is a sexual metaphor for something. Chaos ensues; Amir is Amir, Zaza is classic Zaza. Ponies! Eventually the two are wrested off each other (much to the subconscious disappointment of both) and, after an exchange of words, sulk off in different directions; Tibby, Zaza and Kanene go up to the back rooms and play the Getting To Know You Game Astronomia-wise (Zaza being Sextans, Kanene being Draco with Tycho as her guardian, Tibby being Horologium with Timocharis as his guardian - c'mon, you know this stuff by now). Amir disappears into the wild blue yonder, probably to calm himself down with some cookies and soda. Jace sulks off.

Best quote concerning Tibby ever (and if you can't guess who says it, you completely suck; "Nene, Tibby sounds like my Physics professor, Mr. Branmyer. He has a funny voice too, and he likes to sigh a lot, like when I - "

Oh, and for the love of God, read -everything- Amir says.

FUN FACT: Amir has his very own unrealistic fanclub who ships him with Veta Tiernay, just because they want to hurt him. This club mainly consists of me. VETAXAMIR SHIPPING 4 EVA! Strange but true!

Hephaestos, who snuck up behind the transformed senshi, confronts them with a challenge line stolen directly from Duke Nukem. Amir also hangs behind the scenes and stares as the Astronomia very confusedly stare at the Graikos. This is Hephaestos' first battle by herself, and it's obvious she doesn't really know what to do. Draco is unimpressed. Sextans is adorable. Horologium is long-suffering. Sextans, again, is adorable.

Just as Hephaestos is making an ass out of herself, everybody decides hello-time is over and Draco engages in battle. Hephaestos talks chronically like Tyche. I've noticed that Sextans was, most likely, one of the most powerful Galaxia and if the poor girl had survived long enough to make Super level or get any sort of fighting spirit, she might have decimated a couple of people. As it is, she's too adorable to be anything but so mind-numbingly cute that it's impossible to attack her - possibly her best defence?

Hephaestos jumps on Draco's toes. Draco ows. Ariel joins in and treats the senshi battle exactly how he treated the violence between Tibby and Jace - the man missed his calling in life; he should have been a schoolteacher.

Horologium takes everything in extraordinarily cool stride. I think many people hugely underestimated him as a senshi, a thought which is dispelled later in the story; this man is -ruthless-.

The battle is taken up to the roof; more witty one-liners ensue. Sextans is, once more, adorable. If this was an anime, there would be more sweatdropping here than the scenes in Pokemon where Brock starts gooshing over Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny. I cannot believe I just used that as a comparison. Back to the battle.

Hephaestos, cocky and arrogant, engages Horologium. In a scene that made my heart glow, he manages to TAKE HER OUT IN UNDER THREE MINUTES. Under TWO minutes. Hell, one minute tops. With a well-aimed Chronic Pendulum Swing, he throws her off the roof; she scrabbles against the edge. In an extraordinarily cool display of nerves, he then performs the titteringly-funny named Tick-Tock Chiming Clock and chucks her down to the bottom in what, the other senshi obviously thought, was really tantamount to murder - it's three floors. Heph survives, but it's a testament to Horologium's sheer icy professional attitude that immediately after he gets rid of her he turns to Ariel and asks him politely whether it's necessary to do the same to him.

If I had to compile a list stating the two most dangerous pre-super senshi at that given time, I'd put Sculptor and Horologium on the list. Probably with Horologium leading the pack. God, the boy was freaky- powerful. I would give a lot of money to see him attain an Eternal level.

Anyway, gushing aside; the Astronomia go inside for tea-time. Ariel leaves, though not before expressing rare approval from the Angelus; "Nice shot... perhaps someday, I'll show you what I can do... but not today."

It's sad - and slightly scary - that Ariel will never get the chance to show Horologium what he can do. It is also more than slightly scary that out of this single story, only Ariel and Hephaestos will be left standing at the end of Season I.

Jace, at the end of the story, is unfortunately very much alive - and now on a complete vengeance kick for the man who masterminded her first defeat. She will obsess about him for the rest of the season. I find that funny.

Next!

Sidestory - Plagosus Orbilius

I still holler laughing whenever I read the above quote. How darlingly blatant.

The return of Mr. Campbell! God, how I love Mr. Campbell. He's so adorably grouchy. The Latin classroom seems to be a focal point for stories - mainly because that particular class has Ravi, Tibby, Sophie, Jace, Leta and Acacia in it (though Acacia doesn't have any dialogue in this chapter).

FUN FACT: Our first funny cameo - the girl who times her watch is, actually, your darling GM Emily Young. Who is probably the center of all the evil in the universe and the reason why the war's on. Or possibly just a very annoying Latin student. Strange but true!

Notice that Jace won first prize in a part of the Science Fair. Keep that in mind. Campbell announces he's brought in a tutor because they all suck so bad in Latin; Theodore Parfett. Cue the laugh track.

FUN FACT: This is the first time Jace makes fun of Tibby's name being Theodore, ignoring the fact she's already been told. Sit tight, she'll do it repeatedly as time goes by in an inane paradox. We pass it off later as selective amnesia brought on by concussions. And just hope nobody notices.

Tibby shows his spunk and gets into a minor catfight with Jace, and has to be told off by Dark Lord Campbell. Leta attempts to let Tibby have a look at her cleavage. He merely blushes, starting a host of immediate rumours that he's gay and actually boinking Thomas Willoughby his roommate. Jace insults Leta, which may be a sign of minor jealousy. She also has this thing about continually insinuating she and Tibby slept together by using their wrestling match as a metaphor. Tibby is not pleased; "I don't give a sodding piece of shite what you tell yourself for flattery when you're home alone late at night."

Cecily McRae and Tibby Parfett, seperated at birth?

More sniping continues; Jace and Tibby part without bloodshed, though she does pass off as an ending remark, "I hope our meeting has taught you something, Tibbers. How can I and Teaboy Junior survive? You never write, you never phone..." Only I, Emiko and Angie will find that in any way creepy or hilarious. Don't bother with it.

Tibby meets up with Ravi Skada, who should have been the Astronomia Senshi of Apathy, not balance. He is even worse than Squall Leonhart. It's unfortunate that we don't see more of him; his intro story was the abortive mall scene. A little conversation passes between he and Tibby, deceptively innocuous (it'll come up later). Tibby and Ravi appear to be good friends afterwards.

Onwards!

Sidestory - 555-6721, ext. 16

If you haven't seen now where Jace and Tibby are going, you're very blind. Their relationship is hatred-filled and often biting on both sides, and everybody knows how THOSE turn out. (Well, after reading the Season Finale, you all knew why we were laying it on so thick.)

Jace and Tibby talk on the phone, the former on the pretext that she needs help with her Latin homework, though we all know she just wanted to heckle. Tibby is short-tempered. Thomas, his roommate, is God. After initial insulting, the two get into a nice conversation, leaving Jace at the end slightly hot and bothered.

Yes, I know I'm wrong to like the chemistry between these two.

FUN FACT: After Acacia, Tibby was being chased after as a love interest by Letalis Forma. That was funny. Strange but true!

Sidestory - This Is Goodbye

To say anything would be to wreck it.

Chapter Eight

MORE Amir goodness. And coupled with Casper, no less. My cup runneth over.

Casper's awakening. Seraphiel is a hugely interesting senshi with an identity crisis in both forms. As Casper, he is a wigga white-homie who likes rap and talks perfect gangsta. As Seraphiel, he is an ancient battle senshi in a teenage senshi's world. He can't exactly find a perfect medium EVER, though at least Casper has friends. Seraphiel's do-or-die attitude more often-than-not gets him into trouble, though he sticks hugely by his morals and I admire personally his code of honour. The Angelus are not a huge contender in Season I; in Season II when the Grigori come out to play, I hope to see a lot more of both Ariel and Seraphiel, who could both cause major damage. (Not like Seraphiel didn't do his own fair share of violence in the finale anyhow.)

Leo slips into poor Casper's car and talks to him, giving the curly- haired "racially-confused teen" the wiggies. Leading him to Amir, who is at first distinctly unimpressed, the two make a hugely incongruous pair.

The main reason why there was power shift in teams in Season One was due to how well the characters worked as a unit; the Graikos came out strongest. The Angelus, who formed many splinter groups, and the Astronomia, who were strong individually but not as a group until too late, were the weakest. Anyway, that aside...

As Casper doubtfully transforms into Seraphiel, his instincts take over and Amir begins to respect him better. The two have a jolly talk and go off to practice their l33t Angelus skillz.

I expect great things from these two in the future, though sadly I doubt it'll involve yaoi. Damn.

Chapter Nine

Reads like an episode of Card Captor Sakura. Nike and Astraeus meet; these two are more like a useless splinter of the Graikos than anything else. I'm interested to see how both Willow and Nikhil respond to the violence of the war. As it is, this is cotton-candy easy-reading fluff.

I hope something violent and angsty happens to both. Is that so wrong?

Chapter Ten

Fortuna Favours The Bar.

BEST. TITLE. EVER.

I find it greatly amusing that although we have a Romanus team with Bacchus on it, it's Fortuna who's the raging alcoholic. (Though, when we see her, Rayya is at least a little 'buzzed' when she and her blonde compatriot meet.

Gwyn's first impression: "Wha... she's got eyes as big as a friggin' Disney character!"

Gwyn and Jonah (the whiiiiite whaaaale? Wait, wrong whale metaphor) are busily filming a Roanoke documentary. Gwyn is very bored and decides to use Rayya for an interviewee. Rayya is just smashed enough to agree. Cue much dissing of Mannheim, Rayya's hometown.

FUN FACT: We're not just dissing Penn State because we can. Our very own co-GM Angie hails from Pennsylvania, so we're hassling it because it really is obviously really a frightening place to be. Strange but true!

Both eventually get -so- sloshed that Rayya eventually admits she has a talking pig. End Mannheim jokes, cue Babe ones.

Statement said that I'd most like backstory on: "Gwyn had automatic trust in Rayya. Sure, she could turn out to be a psychotic murdering headcase, but Gwyn used to date one of those."

The blonde thinks Rayya is loony. Rayya offers to show her her apartment anyway. Gwyn goes obediently; Jules - I LOVE YOU JULIUS! - proceeds to grumpily tell Gwyn exactly what gig is up. Cue the usual awakening spiel and surprise.

Favourite quote ever (why is this story so quotable?): "I can talk and am talking, young lady. Talking is obviously not dependent on brain power or else you'd be blessedly mute." Thank you, Jules. That's a gem I'm sure I want to use in real life.

Gwyn and Rayya talk and the two form 66.6% of the Romanus Trio, which will later include Lissie di Rossi; ruined slightly later by love on two fronts, but we'll bitch about that when we come to it.

Sidestory - The Parent Trap - Senshi Style

THIS STORY IS ONE BIG PLOTPOINT. You can probably guess what the plot- point is. Wilma is peturbingly bouncy; Rayya equally so. I'm saddened they both didn't, like, dress like the twins in the movie. Much hijinks is had by everyone. One of those blessedly normal little family scenes that you don't often get.

Dennis is hot. That's all.

Sidestory - In His Dreams

Short, but IMPORTANT.

It's pretty obvious now that Perdix is hopelessly in love with Sophie, who unfortunately happens to be the most callous, practical, unromantic homie darling ever to cross his path. Actually, that's a thematic question I'd like answered; WHY is Perdix in love with his ward?

Yeah, yeah. I know it's her body.

Sophie treats Perdix in here with all the respect you'd regard the Hamburglar with if the Hamburglar was covered in HIV virus. No wonder Perdix is underestimated. Even I'M underestimating him; he's pretty whiny. (I still love you, Perdi-baby.)

Keeping in mind all that's happened, let's travel on...

Chapter Eleven

The awakening of Tyche and the meeting of the duo whose friendship launched a thousand warheads; Jacinth and Jackson. (Try saying both Jack and Jace's full names a couple of times, they eventually all sound the same.) By the end of Season I, these guys'll have fought together, bloodbonded, have an empathic link, snogged slightly, and generally caused mayhem. I'll one day get around to writing my essay on why Jack and Jace are thematic opposites, but at the moment I'm lazy.

Jace starts the story by cheating horribly; she's using her Heph legs to walk around places. That's bad shit, Jace. She's visiting Leta in order to get Percy, and I don't know why everything Leta says makes me crack up. "Tra la lala! I can't hear yooouuu!"

Percy makes Jace detransform, which instantly means that he's public enemy #1 in her eyes. (This may be important. Take note of emnity between the lovebird and Heph.)

Jace inexplicably uses the word 'sodding' a lot. She's been listening too much to Tibby.

Jack Reilly works at Home Depot, Jace's destination. He's your average down-to-earth young artist, with the difference that he's absolutely COVERED IN BLACK BLEEDING ANGST. There are not many characters more angsty than Jack Reilly. GOD.

The redhead immediately antagonizes Jack, and is slightly disconcerted when he takes her completely in stride. Percy emerges from her shirt in a comical slapstick display about two minutes later; Jack is, understandably, bemused. Jace uses bomb threats, one of the lamest threats ever in fact, to get Jack alone and awakened. More slapstick ensues as he uses an attack to accidentally kaboom a water tank.

Jace mentions Horologium in revenge. Hahaha.

Both enter into a tenative friendship as Jack offers to walk Jace home; all is innocuous. Jack dislikes his fuku: "Shit. Ruffles..."

It's an accepted fact afterwards that Jack and Jace enter into a strong friendship after this particular little incident; demonstrated in the next sidestory. Shall we?

(Take a coffeebreak. I know I'M getting arthritis.)

Sidestory - Meet The Parents

Another disgustingly homey story in the manner of The Parent Trap - Senshi Style, and equally as blatantly plotpointious. It's also an excuse for Jack and Jace to fling one-liners off each other. This story somehow manages to be longer than a lot of chapters. Don't worry. All this disgusting saccharine love is for a reason. Honest.

Jack meets the Kellens and makes a good impression; he's put into a definite role of being Jace's Bestest Friend. Actually, when put like that, that gives me a horrible mental image of all the senshi in grade school. You know, and Sophie and Veta would be the bullies who smoke behind the bicycle sheds, and there'd be a little Zach wearing Baby Gap and hollering the words to the latest Spice Girls song, and a small Tibby getting picked on by Jace and getting laughed at for his clothing and Asa playing with bandaids and Rhia trying to flirt with the older boys and Lissie eating tape and -

*stops before she hurts herself*

Sidestory - Purgatio

It's a theme with Jace and Tibby stories to give them latin names, nobody knows why. I blame Emiko entirely. As everybody is by now incredibly sick of the mutual-denial-saccharine-extreme-wrongness of this couple, I won't start getting into the genetics of their future children. (Uh, not like they're about to have any except if Jace does something really icky to the comatose body which is only fodder for hentai squick lemons.)

Jace and Tibby return from the second science fair, both with third- place ribbons. I still wonder what the hell Tibby's project was on. Another thematic ritual starts, revolving around the fact that whenever the Kellen-Parfett duo are romantic, it involves food; I'm sure this'll give both a Tampopo-esque fetish in the future.

Jace spouts one-liners in sheer nervousness. Tibby is, luckily, amused. (I'm wondering why. He must have some crush.) There's a really obvious couple of paragraphs where both worry about the other knowing about their senshi identity/being a senshi; finally, they drop that mental line of foreshadowing and strip each other naked with their eyes. You know, for a prudish soccer-player and a deformed-limbed redhead, these guys sure are having a hormone-hot relationship. The sexual tension is frightening and gets worse. No wonder these two jumped into bed in, like, five seconds.

Favourite quote: Tibby's mental ponderance, "Sometimes Jace just said the darnedest things.", because it gave me an image of that show Kids Say The Darndest Things, and that frightened me.

Tibby mentions he'll return to England soon. Remember this statement.

Both end up looking deep into each other's eyes, and we all know what that means (hint: not cataracts); Jace discovers she has the hots for Tibbster and flees. Tibby angsts. A lot. He doesn't even finish his -tea-!

Now that you're all sickened, next...

Sidestory - Head First

Otherwise known as 'Greg Earns His Paycheck'. Now I'd just like to see a threeway battle between Casper, Veta and Zach, and my life will be complete.

Zach is angsting, which isn't unusual. I mean, it's not like he has much going for him in his life. A nasty rival, a guardian who's a lizard, and the highlight of his life keg parties. Also, he's a Graikos which means his life is default pain and suffering. However, I forgive him because he's absolutely adorable in this story. Which is, again, one of my favourites. Go, Greg. Please do this again somehow. When -I- try to write stories by myself it inevitably turns into slapstick.

So, as with all angsting characters, our young Hyperion goes down to the local coffee joint to hear some of the crappy freelance poetry. Here, he meets Veta Tiernay - former crackwhore, 'homeless artsy druggie' as Amir Adham puts it, and general completely off-the-wall young female. Both have very funny chemistry, and I would have wanted both to date if it wasn't for the fact that it's widely considered as unsatisfying incest. Besides, he's dating Leta; though that particular relationship's about as substantial as the coating on a cheap choc-ice and the girl in question I have good money on to dump Albright by next season.

Zach and Veta converse, with Zach hesitantly pouring out some of his angst (which, expectedly, Veta mentally scoffs at). However, they're on friendly terms with each other by the end of the conversation, with respect on Zach's side and affection on Veta's. The fact that this was written by one talented person makes you in for an extraordinarily smooth, detailed ride.

Eventually, the same night, Hyperion and Sculptor meet up in a battle. Sculptor, being one of the most powerful (if not the most powerful at this point) senshi in Roanoke, pretty easily trounces the shit out of him. God, if the Astronomia had only gotten their ACT together, Zaza wouldn't have died and Bjerlo would've been a sweet memory five seconds in.

Hype eventually guesses Sculptor is Veta from her Chevy parked nearby; she guesses the same. Geez, Zach. Is it just me or do too many people know your senshi identity? The story ends with an odd note of tragedy and you get the sensation that this senshi war is becoming more senseless by the minute.

Luckily, the next story is another brainless Hyperion/Neptune one, so you can sit back and enjoy!

Chapter Thirteen

Interesting parallel story on many levels. Zach meets Leta, the blonde love of his life (or at least his month); Wade meets Rayya, the pretty brunette he'll proceed to get nosebleeds over for the rest of the season. And, of course, if you link the other characters up, there's the rivalry attachment between Zach and Wade (keep your friends close and your enemies closer, hmm?) and the slight attraction between Rayya and Zach that you'll definitely want to watch out for later on. It's, like, dramatic irony. Or something.

It starts off with Leta, because that's always good for a laugh, checking out the dudes at the Patrick Henry/William Fleming swim meet. Both comment on the various boys; Leta notices the "blond with the funky nose". No guesses as to who this is. Cutting to Zach, he's discussing the exact same thing with a friend - though it's more in the vein of which girls he -did- once score with. (He's such a normal, incredibly skanky teenager. How I love him.) Zach's attention is also called to Leta, history is made, etc, etc, the swim meet starts...

Everybody's favourite blue-haired marshmallow-brain moves forward to meet up with Zach again. There are burn marks on his chest still from his last battle; it hasn't been that long...

Chronologically, you have to give the stories a little leeway. We cannot exactly give you exact time; just get a vague feel for things. (Sidestories are easier. We can tell, for instance, that Caleo takes place the night before Love Is A Battlefield, and that Seven Minutes takes place immediately after Hazing Is Fun, and that The Plot Chickens takes place in some scary time loop that nobody knows exists.)

Back to the story. Wade and Zach do a lot of glaring at each other; a lot of fake smiling with gritted teeth is done. Also, a lot of very cheesy metaphors for Hyperion are made. Skip to the end of the meet.

Leta debates on whether or not to ask Zach out. She is saved from the agony of having to actually do it personally by her friend informing them of a party at Leta's house; Zach wins my admiration by blatantly mentally admitting all he wants to do is shag her. Wade is -also- asked, but as he is Sailor I Am A Square And All I Do Is Stay At Home And Practise My Music, he umms a lot.

Touching Leta gives him the wiggies, though it's not as painful as touching Zach. Remembering that they pain each other when they brush skin is disappointing. It'd make for a really painful love story that is best kept to weird fanfic.

Zach snuggles up to Leta and asks Wade if he's going to the party. In a marvellous display of tact that makes this entire RPG into a racism metaphor, Wade informs Zach that they should stick "w'your own kind" and lumbers off.

God knows what goes through Leta's mind, but she shoos her friend off and in one of the dumbest displays after, asks if Zach has a 'talking birdie'.

Leta is not a smarty.

Zach, thank goodness, gets what the hell she is talking about and informs her of his own talking animal. They get into a cuddly little discussion of senshi work; Leta giggles maniacally throughout. Eventually, they take off for the party.

Cue a funny little scene at the party where Zach attempts to get down Leta's pants. Leta is confused, bewildered, and out of her depth, which is funny because usually she's a bigger ho than Sophie. Whatever the reason, Wade has crashed the party, and his Chivalry Meter goes haywire; grabbing the just-slightly-drunk Zach's shoulder, he proceeds to challenge him to a Pokemon Ba - uh, senshi battle.

(Oh, god, I can't believe I made that comparison. Wade is SO Ash, and Zach is just SO Gary. Can't you see it? Huh? Huh?... I'll be quiet now.)

After a little facedown, Wade informs Zach he'll be out on patrol and walks out. Zach tells Leta a muttered sorry and goes off after him.

Now, switch to Rayya!

Out on patrol alone, she gets buzzed by a very angry Hyperion who stops dead when he realizes the small violet-eyed brunette isn't six- five and stupid. Hyperion gets slightly leery when he realizes all Bacchus is wearing is a very short toga, and that she has a very interesting cup size. Bacchus immediately shifts into giggly flirt mode.

Aphrodite enters the scene, having miserably followed Hyperion, and asks hesitantly that Hype and Bacchus aren't killing each other, right? All might have been well and good if jingoistic Percy had not started on his blind 'Romanus! Kill!' speech. (Who the heck does he think he is, Fujin?) Hype prods Bacchus as to where Neptune is; poor thing doesn't know. It all escalates until they eventually end up in a fight; Bacchus attempts to escape, but Percy takes a dive at her, giving Hype enough time to launch an attack at the female senshi. The brunette's knocked flat back and tries to make another attempt on Hype; he dodges, ignores Aphrodite's pleas to back off, and knocks Bacchus unconscious. Enter the drago - uh, Neptune.

Cue whaling match. Neptune, furious, beats up on Zach until he gets an opening to make off with Bacchus when Hype exhausts his power; he falls unconscious, watched by Aphrodite.

Rayya wakes up on Wade's couch, with Wade giving her rudimentary first aid. I'm sure there are supposed to be violins playing when they look into each other's eyes. As with all pretty girls, Wade is gibbering wildly; Rayya thinks he's sweet, thank goodness. Wade eventually says he'll take her home; this looks like it's the start of a beauuutiful friendship, etc.

Back on the Hyperion front, he wakes up still pissed that Aphrodite seems to be able to do nothing but stand in the background and beg for pacifism. (He will not be the first Graikos to complain about that particular little trait of hers. It's going to get her into trouble.) Luckily, she excuses herself out of fighting in apology for having the worst power sphere ever - love. Hyperion reverts back to senshi form and forgives the blonde immediately, probably because she's pretty. I find these two sweet, though I know sadly their relationship will not last long enough for the two to have a mess of little blondes. Both walk home.

Home again with Rayya and Wade and by god this particular summary is friggin' huge, Wade meets Jules - and is, for the first and last time, accused of being a sleazy frat boy.

For everybody who's worried, don't worry. Wade's linguistics problem WILL eventually improve.

Notice carefully that the attraction on this front can be mainly attributed to Wade, not Rayya, who thinks he looks like a sweet friend. She gets to bed, he says goodnight, THANK GOD THIS STORY IS OVER.

Do you know what I like? Donuts.

Sidestory - Downtime

FUN FACT: Wade's first choices for relationships were, in fact, Zach or Asa - or Sophie. Thank the Holy Mackerel, neither Em or me ever remembered that fact, and not just because Sophie would have murdered Wade in ten seconds flat. Actually, I'm surprised I remember it -now-. Strange but true!

Almost directly after Opposites. Rayya thanks Wade. Summary:

Wade: "I cannot talk in plain English." Rayya: "That's okay, because I'm going to giggle a lot and touch you innocuously." Wade: "My face is every colour of the rainbow. Except taupe." Rayya: "Despite how obvious your attraction to me is, I will refuse to acknowledge it for the next three seasons." Wade: "That's cool."

Continue in same vein for the next two hours!

Sidestory - Moving Day

In response to the quote: Who's stupider, the big dumb lummox or the girl who loves it?

Rayya: "I'm going to eat vanilla icecream in a suspicious way." Wade: "I'm going to watch." Both: "Let's proceed to gross out the audience."

FUN FACT: These two actually have FANS. Strange but true!

Chapter Fourteen

Regina's awoken and there's much Rayya, Priss and Regina action - and we meet up with Persephone again. There is also much hilarious paradox as this is one of those stories that took a year to complete and when it was finished pretty much undictated itself in bits; let's see the show, shall we?

Jules whines that Rayya's been neglecting him, hanging out drinking with Gwyn and writing completely obscene gushy sidestories with Wade. "But our players forced us to," Rayya complains. "I don't care, I'm grumpy, and by the way, I really look like Pierce Brosnan as a human," Jules responds. They're at a plant festival; my doubts as to the fact that Roanoke is a normal city and is in fact a CITY FULL OF ZOMBIES are reinforced.

Regina is also here at the festival! Regina is Sailor Urania, a nice fourteen-year-old blonde who has a friend called Eva we'll meet a bunch of times during the season. Eva is loud and raucous and went to the Jace Kellen school of obnoxiousness, though, of course, compared to Jace she's just a punk. (I say that out of pride.)

FUN FACT: Eva is in fact obsessively in love with Regina, making her more interesting, though gets a BOO! point from me because she is every cliche of the Butch Lesbian (although the fact that she's also a slut rounds her out a little). Luckily there are some non-lesbian textbook relationships in this damn RPG; look at the blossoming tender love between Gwyn and Lissie. Or, uh, whatever they have. Strange but true!

Rayya notices Regina. All the glamour has worn off being a guardian and awakening people; Jules is naturally cranky. "Just drag her somewhere and let's do this. I'm still looking for a semi-decent senshi, you know." I love you, Jules. We also meet up with Priss, the Soros History senshi, so everyone is happy and friends. We also get an extremely odd cameo from Nikhil, who deserves to get strung up and tortured by the Dark Universe for hate crimes and hyperactivity.

AENEAS RECOGNIZES NIKHIL AS A GRAIKOS. NO YOU DON'T, AENEAS. Guardians cannot recognize enemy senshi. If they could, the war would've been over already because Sophie and Jace would've just gone around bashing everybody else to death in their civilian forms. Just pretend the entire Nikhil segment was the product of the three Romanus girls on acid, like the Brady Bunch animated series, only there's no talking hat.

FUN FACT: There wasn't actually a talking hat in the Brady Bunch animated series. Strange but true!

Rayya and Regina and Priss agree to transform and meet up later that night. Things are explained to Urania. Something Clio says makes me giggle for hours and I don't know why: "As the Graikos are our sworn enemies and we are on malignant terms with them..." Malignant Terms. That sounds like a bad angstfic. Sorry.

They all decide to go find the Graikos ILLEGALLY SPOTTED EARLIER; the guardians spur them on. Aeneas is at least a big of an ass as Jules, only he doesn't pull it off quite so well because he's a fluffy widdle bunny wunny. "Geez, is it just me or all guardians anal-retentive Rambo-wannabes?" Bacchus asks. It's not just you, Rayya.

We switch to Perseph, who is bemoaning her own guardian - Percy, who seems to be the one who orders the Graikos around the most. You will later hate him later on in the Summer segment if you have any love for Jace. Urania appears in view; Bacchus then Clio arrive, and Bacchus and Persephone have a heartwrenching reunion that mainly consists of "Hullo again." Bacchus warns Perseph off; she's outgunned, 'sweetie'. Jules explodes, "This is the enemy. You do not trade pet names with the enemy, Bacchus. Attack."

Thus follows one of the more funnier battles in retrospect as Romanus discuss what they're going to do. Urania tries out her powers, then they let Persephone run away. The Romanus shift back to civilian form and have another Talk.

Rayya calls Julius a 'speaking side of bacon'. Amen, Rayya.

Sidestory - Here's To Chocolate

The above fic makes me REALLY want to write an inexplicable hentai fic between Jules and Rayya. Because, you know, he really did look like Pierce Brosnan.

Plot of Sidestory:

Blah blah blah Regina and Rayya bond blah blah etc blah rhubarb the Romanus girls are all tight-knit and have slumber parties blah blah do you think I look good in this hat blah blah etc hurray!

Yes, I'm lazy. Next. Besides, the next one is -great-.

Chapter Fifteen

I don't care that this story makes little sense. It's the perfect story to read just when you drank two cans of Mountain Dew too many and devoured M&M's. It's a rollercoaster ride of FUN! It has Tibby Parfett, everyone's favourite prudish Brit. It has Thomas his roommate, who is so exuberant he is a danger to himself and others. It has Rhia, the Graikos girl who can't even be the slut she tries to be because she can't get laid by any playable characters and Tibby's classmate. It has Sophie, who just rocks my world whenever she gets screentime. And it has Rick, described as the 'young gay man in the miner's hat' by Veta and who has some of the best lines in eternity. And it's set during Mardi Gras. What more do you want?

Rick opens the story wearing a lime green robe and a hat, so you know already it's going to be good. The Astronomia Gemma Knight, he goes to North Cross along with some other notable characters - Graikos Hedy, for instance, who later becomes his bosom buddy, the anal-retentive Grigori Eraen, and others. The North Cross float has Rick on it, and it's themed for Greek gods; I find that ironic, but it's past midnight and I find many things ironic past midnight. The ISAS float - which contains Tibby and Thomas - is driven by Rhia, and is obviously themed to be cards or something, as the two men are dressed like the King and Jack of Hearts. Oh, I don't care, it's hilarious no matter what. Rhia's first line is "Mrazza-frazza-razza"; this is chapter gold!

FUN FACT: Thomas is a blonde, I just felt like mentioning that. He'll also stick around for later seasons because of Tibby's accident. Stupid but true!

The PH float stops mid-parade because, well, PH sucks. The floatees amuse themselves by chucking stuff to the crowd like beads; Rick notes a couple of hotties, then sets his sights on Thomas and Tibby. Rhia and Rick are friends, which says a great deal about life, and they chat for a couple of moments. Rhia shows herself to be completely, utterly, and inexplicably insane. "I... am... o-KAY!"

Rick acts cool because, well, he is. "I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be some sort of Greek god or a tragic, tragic salad shooter accident." I think that should be the Graikos' motto, I don't know why. Rick looks towards Tibby - and then gives him the once-over, obviously in some approval. And so he should, because Tibby is a complete soccer-playing babe with an athlete's body and, er, an accountant's brains. "Eww," says Rhia.

Rick sashays over to Tibby, hopin' to get some of that hot hot British lovin'. Please, if you have any selflove, read anything Thomas says. "I'm Carrick Luxington," Rick sez. "I'm Theodore Parfett," Tibby says politely. "And I'm Thomas Willoughby, the pleasure's all yours, of course," says Thomas. I love this man.

Our curly-haired Ricky immediately flirts. "I'm from North Cross, you see, and well, they just don't have any fun on the float, so I decided I'd float hop to the more aesthetically pleasing ISAS float." He also steals a line from one of the worst pick-ups in history: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I've been meaning to get a bit more foreign culture in my life," he expounds to Thomas, and shows off his Gay Pride bracelet. Thomas answers that he follows any way Rick likes it (go Thomas!) but that Tibby doesn't bat for the same team; "With his legless girlfriend and all..."

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Tibby immediately perks up. "She's not my girlfriend, even though I have strange physical attraction to her and will end up having complete wild monkey sex with her by the end of the season," he protests, though in fact I made it all up past the word 'girlfriend'. He realizes what Thomas and Rick are actually talking about it, goes raspberry, and escapes the gay den of iniquity. Rick goes after to apologize.

"I'm really sorry for making assumptions about other people's... sexuality. I think it was just the rush of the parade and the intense heat in this crazy get-up. Anyway, what was this Thomas was saying about a legless girlfriend? I've heard rumors of a real shrew that's confined to a wheelchair," Rick says. "So Jace is that legendary, eh?" Tibby replies gloomily. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering, too. Is there a pamphlet in warning passed around?

Anyway, Rick notices Timocharis, who's groovin' on quietly in Tibby's pocket. Recognizing Rick as Gemma Knight, she then proceeds to cheerily awaken the poor guy in an alley. All other senshi in the vicinity, please proceed to get buzzed!

"This absolutely sucks." We switch to Sophie, who's sittin' waving to her honey boyfriend - also called Rick - driving the William Fleming float. Perdix senses something; Sophie, who knows what's coming, groans as the partridge tells her there's a Graikos on the ISAS float. Sophie meets Rhia and Medea, her guardian, who is annoying and should die. Rhia gets Thomas to take the wheel and ducks off into another alleyway. Alleyways are rampant in the city of Roanoke. (And all the best stuff happens in alleyways. Sextans' death, Romanus/Graikos fights, Neptune falling like a sack of potatoes, Poseidon and Diana's - wait, that's Rome, but just take my word for it.)

Metis and Hecate proceed to the alleyway where Gemma and Horologium. They obviously got a different alleyway. Metis flings Perdix in a trash can and gives the neatest opening line ever; "I believe you were looking for an ass-whooping?"

Cue some of the best stuff ever and by the way did anybody else notice Rhiannon is cursed with the inability to use the word said?:

Hecate: "Ya know that can of whoopass? Well, I got yer can opener right here, pretty boy.." She's Italian, but suddenly a yokel.

'Rick looked at the thing attached to her arm, stunned by the sheer shininess.' Be mine, Rick.

'Horologium looked somehow torn between insult and disgust.' Which was ruined by the unfortunate fact that he's masked.

Gemma: "I am the handsome-suited mining soldier of, uh, Mining! In the name of this... pick-axe, I'll mine you!" You moron, Rick. I mean, you're not even really the senshi of mining! Ho ho ho.

Hecate: "Are you one of those sexually-disturbed local boys I was warned about?" Yes. Yes he is.

Horo: "Half of any battle is psychological." What's the other half?

The Astronomia beat the shit out of Hecate; Metis hauls her away. I'm laughing too hard to care.

Next! Put on your seatbelts...

A bigbig story. HUGELY important to read. Many things will hinge on the events within; so open up your head-hole, Slappy, and listen while I testify, as Brak would say.

Okay, so I just ruined anyway by quoting Brak, but on with the show!

Here's a retarded little reminder for all of you before we start getting jiggy with it; although the word 'Rayya' may look as if it wants to be rhymed with 'sprayer' and has been nicknamed everything from 'Ray' to 'Ayya', it's pronounced ai-ur. For anybody lame enough to have played Starcraft, think the Protoss' homeworld. Then go Zergling rush somebody, you stupid freak.

I should just summarize the entire damn story in limerick form.

On top of a roof Sailor Hades, Was contemplating the Pleiades. She was playing with cards And some she discards As she checks out the Fool, Swords and Ladies...

"The Tower!" quoth the Senshi of Dead. "This cannot be as I said! (I'm using Tarot Because Emiko Sees symbolism far up ahead.)"

Down below, prettygirl Rayya Was with her pig Jules, who's a -

Well, I just realized that I can't do limericks for shit and that I was just about to disregard Rayya's own rhyming rules. Well, screw that, you can just take this review as it comes and I'll continue my bright future in professionally bad poetry elsewhere. If you want to read more limericks, go to dL's page, where they're marginally funnier.

Anyway; Acacia Aisling, everybody's favourite Underworld senshi, is sitting up on top of a roof with her Tarot cards. This immediately begs a couple of questions; WHY is Acacia patrolling alone? Has she done this before? Why the urge to do it now? Why without her teammates? And if she was going to bring cards, why didn't she at least bring some she could play Solitaire with in a pinch?

She's reading her own future, because if Acacia is anything she's incredibly morbid. Understandably, the cards read -badly-; Sudden change and crisis, victim, martyrdom, day of reckoning... Man, you know she's up the shit creek without a paddle. There should have just been an extra card with the memo, 'You're soooo dead.'

We switch to Rayya and Gwyn, who are strollin' down the sidewalk doing things young girl teenagers do, giggling and bitching on the pig. Gwyn calls Julius 'Sgt. Swine', which is memorable. Rayya mentions senshi business; Gwyn immediately tells her to change the topic, as it's not senshi time, it's time out. Rayya and Gwyn's friendship is developing nicely; soon, we'll meet the third member of the Romanus Girls gang, the purple-haired asskicker Theresa.

Theresa's walking around town, planning on meeting her NPC honey Rob, who I certainly hope will die later on. Trajan gives her hints as to the mass of senshi walking around; 'above and below', he says. Above is Hades. Below is Rayya and Gwyn, who Theresa notices, and Rayya starts getting the wiggies due to Tisiphone's proximity. Anxious to get the hell away from senshi business, Rayya and Gwyn escape into a resturant. Theresa follows.

"So, who the hell are you and why are we suddenly so interested in each other?" Nice conversation opener, 'Resa. Rayya swallows a bit and they enter into slightly-terrified conversation, before heading out into an alleyway. Freaked by the appearance of Trajan, Rayya lets out a scream; Gwyn, being Gwyn, immediately takes this opportunity to whale on Theresa, who transforms into Tisiphone. Confusion follows; eventually, they all manage to work out that Tisiphone is one of the Good Guys, and all three transform; they head up to the roof to find out who is the senshi described by Trajan as Above...

Hades is still there, chillin'. The situation has it's phaser level turned to Tense. The moment Hades even moves her hands, Tisiphone decides to attack; unfortunately, as she uses Aftermath, she's utterly useless. Bacchus casts Morning After, and the attack begins.

Azrael, watching, walks out onto the roof, and informs Hades that death is coming. "God, why the hell are YOU cameoing," Hades wonders. Tisi casts Aftermath once again; this time it works. Fortuna bounces forward and god I love you Gwyn to take a hit for Bacchus, deflecting it with Sors; part of it still gets her, though. Azrael casts Blood Letting and Hades immediately begins to bleed everywhere; panicking, she starts to attack harder. With one more Morning After, Hades slams back against the retaining wall of the building, and propels herself over. Bacchus and Fortuna have already made a run for it, as Fortuna's hurt.

Acacia goes over. She hits a car. She's street pizza, she's dead.

Tisiphone, the only one left as Azrael's buggered off, stares a moment. Then she transforms and heads to the bottom of the building, and I love the few last lines of this scene:

'Something fluttered past her face, and she reached out by reflex to grab it.

It was a Tarot card. The Two of Swords.'

Rayya finds out about Acacia's death at the end of the chapter, which leads to the next sidestory, Aftermath. Hades' death will lead to Metis going on a vengeance streak that won't end even after Draco's death in Chapter Seventeen. The Graikos are down one member!

Wasn't that fun, kids?

Sidestory - Aftermath

It's pretty obvious what this story is about. In the wake of Sailor Hades' death, Rayya, Theresa and Gwyn attempt to cope. I think this is the thing I love most about Sailor Myth - in Sailor Moon, after the Dark Generals killed somebody, all they did was cackle. These girls have to deal with the fact that they just committed murder, and there's no war committee around to comfort them that what they did was right and patriotic. They have to cope all by their little selves, and in many cases, that leads to hugely destructive behaviour.

Case one; Rayya Veritas, She Who Inflicted The Blow. Happy, bubbly, pretty, and also - fun fact! - heavily masochistic. She recites a list of her own failures; 'Likes boys. A lot. Never goes to church. Doesn't say prayers. Uses the Lord's name in vain. Drinks. Is the Reincarnation of a pagan god. Mother died on me. Killed someone...'

How does Rayya cope? Smashes her hands, of course. Takes a heavy dose of alcohol, scratches her hands to shit, and disinfects with alcohol. I think we can all give her ten full points for physical owies in this situation. She does, of course, blame herself; Julius, when he finds her, is completely distraught. There's rather a sweet little scene - if you can call it sweet - when he finds her; the depth of his love for his senshi is obvious. Not Perdix-esque, but something far sweeter and innocent, methinks.

Jules' reasoning over the kill is that it wasn't, in the end, Rayya's fault; it was an act of self-defense. (Is the entire war an act of pre-emptive self-defense?) Never mind his comfort; Rayya is going to be angsting about this event for the rest of her life, and although it isn't overly melodramatic 'WHY, GOD! WHY TAKE HER! WHY NOT TAKE ME!', etc, it's the type that affects her subtly and deeply and rounds her out into a character I love very much. I think it's safe to say that from now on, Rayya's pacifistic stance is modified into a burning desire to stop the bloody war.

Gwyn handles things much the same way. She isn't even aware that Acacia is dead until she sees it on the news, whereupon she crushes her coffee cup unknowingly. Gwyn's another girl I love, if that wasn't obvious.

And she still manages to make biting social commentary upon Roanoke: 'This town made New York look like friggin' Disney World.'

Theresa's the one who takes it the gentlest, the most logically, though her response is as deeply evocative as the other two girls'. She keeps Hades' Tarot cards, watches her being zipped and bagged. She yearns just as hard to end the war in whatever way as much as Rayya does; another interesting parallel, the senshi finding physical comfort in their guardians. (Stop being disgusting. I can hear your thoughts.) As Rayya cuddles Julius and weeps, Theresa fluffs out the sweatshirt Trajan sleeps in.

I adore the Romanus girls. They're all about protection. Tightly woven and powerful, I can make a bet that they'll soon become one of the most powerful and on-the-ball teams in Roanoke. There will, of course, be an inevitable divide, but that's spoiler information and you'll just have to read Season II. ^_~ God knows the other teams will be broken up in worse ways...

FUN FACT: Did you know I think Jules is hot? What? You did? Was I unsubtle about it?

Sidestory - Would You Like A Side Of Graikos With Your Big Mac?

The title is awful. I can't remember who we're blaming it on, but I think it was Em, since Em's titles are notorious for being... Em's.

As is quite obvious, this story is taking place in McDonald's. It is one of the first in a trio of "Fast Food" stories, basically with the senshi who already know each other having downtime to discuss the recent events - namely, Acacia's death. The Romanus drew Taco Bell; the Astronomia drew Wendy's, and the Graikos drew the Golden Arches. It's also one of the sole stories where Zach and Jace interact, so quickly, sit on a rubber sheet to allay the excitement.

Jace enters McDonald's, naturally pissy, as she seldom touches grease so obvious and hates children. Sophie and Perdix are already inside, and cannot answer her questions about what Grimace actually is. Anybody who reads X-Entertainment will know that Jace is also a reader due to this question.

Zach also enters and makes the big mistake of calling Jace 'Grace'. Despite the fact that he already told her his name, she calls him 'Wank' (spending too much time with Tibby) and is disappointed that he too cannot tell her what Grimace is. His guess is Down's Syndrome. Wilma meets up with the rest of them; then, suddenly, appearing like an angel on high, comes Jack. You can practically hear the radiant choir of Greek maidens at his entry.

The affection is obvious between Jace and the brunette in her intro of him: "This is Jack Reilly, call him Jackalope or Jack o'Lantern. He's Tyche and he gets a cool hat, but otherwise he looks like a pansy."

Just when you thought it was everyone, Leta also bounces in, happy and carefree. That makes all of them.

Wilma makes her first mistake by happily suggesting they swap stories about the strengths and weaknesses of the other senshi. Perdix goes psycho; they're here to inform them that Acacia is dead, not discuss how Bacchus looks in her skimpy fuku. Sophie, being the necrophile she is, snuck over to investigate Acacia's dead body the night she died; the news is recieved with varying degrees of shock. Leta sniffles; Jack is upset; Zach is venge-filled and angry; Jace is silent. Perdix uses the info to inform them all that they have to stick together and strengthen their resolve.

Sophie, because I love her, informs them: "Do it for sex and drugs an' all that good stuff." She truly is a leader.

Jace is grumpy. The Romanus, as she informs them, aren't the only target; she's still after Ticktock Boy. Probably wants to grope him up in a friendly manner. She also says that the police shouldn't have gotten a body, planting the seed of the idea of Sophie's Forest. Haha, seed, forest, I am so very funny.

Wilma suggests that they need to travel in pairs so that one can be a burying buddy. Understandably, Zach says: "Jesus Christ, that's morbid." He sulks that nobody else is going to die. HAHAHAH. He wishes.

The topic moves towards why they're fighting the other senshi; darkly, Zach rhapsodizes, As far as I've seen, I don't see 'evil' senshi destroying downtown and trying to conquer the world," having probably inadvertantly read forward in the script to All Quiet On The Downtown Front. Wilma agrees happily. Perdix says they're all too young to understand. Zach and Wilma tearily agree with each other, hug, and say, "I love you, man," only they don't. Jack agrees with Zach for the first and last time. Leta wails that she doesn't want to die.

Jace, in a sad show of loyalty, proclaims them all wussy pussies and that Perdix should tell her if there's any real fighting to be had, since she's obviously the only senshi with balls. It's sad that I'm getting strains of the South Park Russ Crowe Show in my head for Jace at this point: "Makin' movies, makin' songs and fightin' round the world!".

"You may enjoy going out and beating the shit out of people, and killing them, but some of us here have things called consciences," Wilma accuses Jace. It's an unfortunate fact of life that, here, Wilma has hit the nail squarely on the head. Jace -likes- what she does. She would've made a great marine if she'd had the limbs for it.

She leaves, followed closely by Leta, Zach and Wilma. Jack and Sophie are left, an interesting thing; these two will be together an awful lot to discuss senshi stuff, being the - oddly - cooler heads.

Jack realizes that the Graikos are probably the most warlike of the entire teams. They all want to win, in their own way, and since they have the largest alliance, they're probably going to -do- it. "Everyone else had better look out," is his opinion.

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...

Next!

Sidestory - Yo Hablo Espanol

A short, but nonetheless enjoyable side here. Jack tutors Wilma in Spanish, senshi rules, and luuurve, only he doesn't really tutor her in the last one though we have a feeling that she wishes he would. They meet up in the library (though I'm still wondering why Jack is researching Incan mythology) as Wilma agonizes over the language of burritos and enchiladas; having actually liked doing it in high school, Jack offers his l33t Spanish skills to her. She accepts.

Warning romance bells start to ring the moment Wilma asks him how to say 'I like you' in Spanish. Jack, obtuse and cheerful, tells her how. It's all very sweet and I'm giggling wildly.

"Whoever invented Spanish did it purposely. They did it just to make the high-school experience miserable for kids like me..."

"I think the Spanish invented Spanish."

Wilma finally asks the number one question; why the hell is he researching Incan mythology? He says side-project. I'm betting it's because he's actually a cannibal and wants to eat people. Apart from the Spanish education bits, they manage to get in a good conversation; likes, dislikes, caffeine. Wilma innocently asks Jack if he has a girlfriend. He says no.

An anvil with the word 'Obvious' on it falls on Wilma's head, only it doesn't, which makes me sad.

The topic also turns to Jace, whom Wilma is mortally afraid of. Jack tries to convince her that Jace is a good person deep down, but Wilma is afraid of the boyish haircut and male testosterone. Later, in a story unfortunately deleted, we get subtext turned to text as in a fit of pique Jace gropes up Wilma's breasts. I am so upset that story was not fitted in.

Wilma gets fluttery over Jack as she leaves, kissing him on the cheek; obtuse him doesn't notice, instead happily thinking that Wilma is a 'good kid', which is of course romantic death. I'm still giggling. Love in the S-Myth world is varied and - oh, yeah, it's made so we can laugh at it.

Next!

Sidestory - Yo Quiero Romanus

Let me just say that I adore Lissie, I adore her more than anything else, and it saddens me so greatly she only got two stories this season. It's unfortunate that her first awakening with Wade had an unfortunate cough and never came to light; however, fuck that, once Lissie's on the scene you forget everything just to -watch- her. She is, of course, Sailor Thalia; joined by other muse Clio, soros Tisiphone and Deus Fortuna, Bacchus and Neptune, this gets to be a wild ride of guilt and infamy.

Rayya's picking up Gwyn and Wade so that they can all go and have a happy Romanus hoedown at Taco Bell. After happy teasing of Julius with Gwyn in the car that soon he will be a food product just like that they are about to consume, Wade also tromps in; the meeting of him and Gwyn is ignored in favour of the fact he almost sits on Julius. It's all good.

Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, Priscilla (Queen Of The Desert!) is busily -working- at Taco Bell, the poor bint. She somehow manages to forget who Rayya is - "Mind like a steel trap, Silly," Rayya tells her; "Rusty and illegal in 48 states."

Priscilla calls Aeneas Bunyun. I think that all the guardians should revolt.

Livia doesn't like being shoved in with Julius, despite the fact that she probably has got a major crush on him. She accuses him of having foot-and-mouth. Julius accuses her of being a self-righteous hysterical she-gorgon, but only mentally.

Theresa arrives as Theresa always does; silently and mysteriously. I think she wears special shoes. Memo; somebody check Tisiphone's shoes. Theresa, Rayya, and Gwyn go a little quiet with each other, still remembering Acacia's death - and being traumatized by it. Wade and Priscilla have no idea what on earth is going on.

Theresa gets teased about being Batgirl. Ten points and a bullet to the head for Gwyn for going on about her utility belt.

"Any new business?" Aeneas asks. "Well, golly, we killed someone," Rayya said, only she doesn't. Wade tells them that Jamie might be along later - she isn't - and that Asa keeps on fobbing off senshi duty due to migraines, only it's actually because we lost his player a while back and we miss her bad.

Just when they thought it was safe to watch their backs, Lissie arrives. I think that her introduction is one of the greatest known to man, so I'll reproduce it here.

'Barely before Rayya had finished her sentence, a classic jade '69 Beetle convertible with silver daisies painted all over the polished exterior pulled up, roaring a horn set to play "La Cucaracha" on demand pulled into the parking spot next to her car. A girl dressed in a halter top created from what looked like an American flag and tight hiphugger jeans with a rhinestone-studded belt that didn't have any stones matching the red, white or blue stripes stepped out of the driver's side, shaking out her magenta bob.

"Wadey Boy!" Lissie shrieked as she headed towards the group of senshi, beginning to speak in the southern debutante accent Livia seemed to favor. "Am I late or anything? I saw a neon pink leather jacket in the vintage store and had to have it... impulse shopping will be my death, dahling. And where's my favorite ninja turtle. Don't tell me you didn't bring Livvy, she was the whole reason I was coming! That and the option of mooching tortilla chips off people, but who cares?'

Gwyn falls instantly in love, and I mean that.

Priscilla loses the powers of speech, then recovers to introduce herself. Wade is dubiously proud of the senshi he helped awaken. Livvy is over the moon.

Getting back to bidness, Gwyn suggests that since they know who some of the Graikos are - namely, Hyperion - they should pounce him in civilian form and take his transformation item. Now, Gwyn is actually closer to the ball than anyone else; however, it's his Super item they should be looking out for. Guardians can sense Super items whether it's for their team or not; taking them prevents the other senshi from going Super, which is always a plus.

Anyway, off Sidetrack Lane. Livvy likes the idea. Wade hates it, having some maligned sense of fairness. "Faih doesn't come into it," Livvy says, quite rightly. Rayya agrees with her big hunk of blue lovin', looking close to tears; Gwyn immediately hollers at Rayya that the entire situation is complete bullshit, she can't blame herself, as the others stare. Gwyn lets the cat out of the proverbial bag; "I'm sorry the girl is dead."

Wade immediately looks blown away. Rayya is forced to tell the others about Hades; trying to calm her down, he immediately tells her it was an accident. "Her name was Acacia..." "She was just eighteen," Theresa and Rayya join in unison. The moment is almost Fight Club-esque; "His name is Robert Paulsen..."

There's a few moments of unwary silence before Theresa wonders who the hell these people are anyway. Gwyn and Lissie discover the tender fact that they met each other in a bar once. Theresa and Lissie get on like a house on fire. The Romanus Girls are all pals. Gwyn interrupts the love by making a with-me or not-with-me ultimatum; Wade tells her to cool her jets, they're all in this together. A minor 'who's the leader' convo starts, with nobody getting the top prize. They're all more useful working together, as Jules points out; "Oh, screw it. Rayya would be good at keeping you all alive but she, quite frankly, sucks at confrontation. Wade is, may I remind you, a big marshmallow with more chivalry than sense. Gwyn just might be borderline alcoholic, reports are still pending... All of you have strong points. I suggest you pool them. None of you are likely to tear the others down for the role of leader, right?"

I love you, Jules.

Lissie and Gwyn agree to seal the deal and go out drinking - taking Livia and Julius with them, frighteningly. Priss decides to mosey on home, noting that they all forgot about her; as they're all fast mates already, Gwyn says tenderly to Liss; "She thinks we forgot about her! Listen, there's a place about two blocks from here. You should leave your car for a couple of hours, and when we're done we can come back and make 'Scilla give us free food! And if she won't, we'll sing that whiny "Enchirito" song until she begs us to leave. That'll let her know we care."

I love the Romanus girls, too.

Theresa bids her goodbyes, having a happy little chat with Wade and Rayya. Finally, those two go out to the car, with Wade planning on driving her home. In fact, he suggests it by evenly noting; "I bet those hands hurt." He may be dumb, but he has noted the fact that she has big fraggin' bandages, bruises and scratches on her hands. She finally breaks down and weeps on his shoulder.

And that would be a poignant end to the story if not for:

Lexi: The epilogue to the Yo Queiro Romanus story, written exclusively by Lissie but with guest appearances by Livvy, a wild pack of frat boys, and Julius in drag screaming for "Kermie" to take her back, she didn't mean to have the affair with Gonzo! or somethin like that. Angie: Oh, dear... Lexi: It was karaoke night at one of the local bars. Animals have low intoxication tolerance. Do the math.

Next!

Sidestory - Worse Than In-Laws

"She's a tramp."

"He's a child."

"Easy!"

"Dumb!"

It's a Julius-and-Livia only story. I can't say any more without ruining the entire thing.

Next!

Sidestory - Dave Thomas, We Salute You

Points about this story: - Tibby and Ravi were meant to be in it. They never arrived. - Briony fell in a hole halfway through. - There's more breaks than a Ming Vase plant after an earthquake. - Nobody knows who the hell anybody is talking to half the time. - If you walk into Wendy's, you're a senshi. - Veta is one of the most powerful senshi in Roanoke, and: "See this napkin? I could change it into a Chinese midget with one leg..."

Summarizing this monster of a story takes more brainpower and patience than I have. It's one of those must-read car crashes, kind of like Manos And The Hands Of Fate only this wasn't filmed with a handicam. Besides, everybody wants to get to the -next- story anyway, which is the beginning of the Season Finale. Bugger Wendy's. Oh, and nice title, whoever thought it up!

NEXT!

Chapter Seventeen

The Dark Universe has arrived.

And it's not happy.

General Demantoid - otherwise known as Bjerlo - has finally arrived on Earth. The guardians immediately sense him and they don't -like- it. Cut to an immediate display of angst by many of the Light Universe guardians; first up is Timocharis, but any sense of drama is immediately taken away by Thomas' wild attempts at Englishspeak:

"Y'know, it's downright rum to be necking splosh with that wild mouse sitting there."

WHITEY GO HOME.

Timocharis gives the best description of the feeling; "Like all the s-strength was g-g-gone from me and-- and there was n-never going to be a-- a sunny tomorrow!" she whimpers to Tibby. It doesn't help that there's a storm blowing around town. Perdix is also hugely upset; he gives an equally apt summary of the feeling. "Almost as if an enemy senshi had just transformed. More like I was dead." We'll take his word for it, because he knows.

Livia informs Wade; Tycho informs Kanene; Aeneas informs Priscilla; Leo informs Amir; and first on the scene anyway is Jack, because people are currently going insane downtown. There's a riot and people are frothing at the mouth. No prizes for guessing who's behind this.

So what do we get now? Mass senshi-meeting. A huge pool of them amass in a downtown carpark and agree to ally until whatever's going wrong has stopped; for the count, we've got Clio, Tyche, Neptune, Metis, Leo, Draco, Ariel and Nathanael as well as various guardians.

The senshi don't get on well together. It's rather like encountering lawyers from different firms.

Ariel uses Taamir to divine what's going wrong. Taamir informs him of Crazy Dude. They all go to officially whup it's ass. They have to avoid the insane humans, but that's easy.

Tyche and Clio decide to try and talk Demantoid down, which wasn't the smartest thing to do. Demantoid tries to impress them with his title, but it falls pretty flat. Faced with a bunch of murderous senshi, Demantoid does what he does best; drives Draco insane.

Oh dear.

Draco mortally wounds Nathanael. Demantoid escapes in the confusion as she begins to attack the others; Nathanael quickly dies on the scene, and Metis takes Draco out by use of Neptune's trident.

Amir is bewildered: "Senshi battles were not supposed to result in death. They were supposed to be like those National Geographic specials, where animals puffed themselves up and displayed their fine plumage, but never actually destroyed one another."

Did I mention it includes the Lord's Prayer, all-caps swearing and Hades-vengeance? I didn't? No.

After -that- particular foray, there's nothing that anybody can do but scatter - so scatter they all do. It's a rather lost, hopeless ending; basic summary could be, 'The Dark Universe cometh... and fucks everyone over royally.'

Next.

Sidestory - Dealing With Death

A short cope-fic; Sophie tries to think about what she's done. She thinks she likes the forest better than being a senshi. I say that she accidentally inhaled some of the marijuana in her hut.

Next!

Sidestory - Coffee Talk

Sophie and Jack talk over coffee, and it's far more interesting than it might sound. These two have always had an interesting chemistry to use; Sophie's so laid-back and Jack's so intense, and on the flip side, Sophie is so intense and Jack is so laid-back, so... they make no sense and I love them.

Jack's drawing his comic and looking sexy, which is what he does best; Sophie recognizes him and comes to sit over and talk. They chat a tiny bit about what happened downtown; Sophie mentions Jace and Jack finds himself grinning which scares me utterly, but this is pre-Pose For Me so it's nothing in comparison anyway to that piece of frightmaterial.

Sophie claims that she, Jack, Jace and Zach should form something like the Four Musketeers of war-worthy Graikos. Interesting plan, actually, and one that might have worked.

It's a nice, calm little chit-chat. Pity the next story is a PILE OF VIOLENT FREAKISHNESS.

Next, if you dare.

Chapter Eighteen

Babylon Five fans, please chug.

This chapter is a rather random piece of extreme violence, namely between Hephaestos and Sextans. For your random fun fact, it was written almost exclusively by a sexy co-GM whose name begins with 'T' and ends in 'I', so that's why it has almost no redeeming features whatsoever except for a lot of gore.

Sextans and Hephaestos are out patrolling; Hephaestos encounters Sextans in a dark alleyway and you already know it's going to so suck for the Astronomia, who doesn't want to fight. Not that Sextans doesn't give it her best shot; she flings Hephaestos into the wall and gives her a mild pounding, but Heph is murderous and she's done so much more of this before and she's been waiting to kill someone for ages.

So she does it. Not accidentally. Coldheartedly and coldbloodedly Hephaestos beats Sextans half to death; this was needless and just a matter of bloodlust on the Graikos' part. She then casts a Soulmetal Barrage that kills Sextans pretty much stone dead as it goes through her chest; she drags her behind a dumpster, calls up Sophie, and then vomits into a gutter. Otherwise, it's a pretty good first kill.

... So many dying lately.

And I still love Sophie's reply to Jace's admission that she just killed someone: "What, like axe murderer or enemy senshi?"

Next!

YES.

Perdix finally admits it.

He's in love with Sophie.

Unfortunately, Sophie happens to be the biggest baddest bitch on the planet and slightly understandably she doesn't want to make it with a bird. When it accidentally slips that Perdix is deeply in love with the brunette, she burns him out completely and utterly and laughs in his face.

So Perdix does what all good rejected guardians should do, and goes out to meet Bjerlo. Saving him from a diet of socks and banana peels, he decides that the company is much better than Sophie, and joins up with the Dark Universe.

That is, if they ever get there.

"When will they be here?"

"I don't know. No one has ever done this before."

Sidestory - Pose For Me

The story that brought the downfall of Hephaestos and Tyche, brought new meaning to 'blood-brothers', and scared the frippin' hell out of mostly everyone else. Let's take a long hard look, shall we?

Jack needs to sketch a valkyrie for his crazy comic; of course, his thoughts go to Jace, so he invites her to be a live model for him, much to her disgust. They decide to get together at his apartment. After a little awkwardness, she flops down, he starts sketching, and there's a companionable silence.

FUN FACT: Jack finds Jace incredibly easy to draw. In a crazy Alternate Universe story a bunch of us once cooked up when we were bored in which Jace was dead, Jack takes out his grief ten years later by still being obsessed with drawing pictures of her. Random, huh?

Eventually he finishes, and she looks at the sketches. Jace is immediately embarrassed, as Jack drew her pretty, or drew porno, or something; I'm reminded of the scene in Titanic when he's sketching Rose naked and sorry that makes me giggle soooo hard. They decide to seal the deal by eating cheesecake and have a good old laugh.

Jace tells Jack the story of how she got knocked over a building by an Astronomia who was "sooooooooooo hot," though I made the last bit up. They have a good snigger over Horologium's power sphere. Jace admires Tyche's hat. Jack dislikes Superman. Both of their names have the exact same amount of letters in them; Jack/Jace, Jackson/Jacinth. Jace can't tell Jack about Perdix, despite the fact that that little sidestory never saw the light of day.

The conversation changes to death; Jack starts getting antsy at the thought of being left behind, a survivor. "I don't want to be the one left fuckin' behind. I'm completely fuckin' sick of that." He's remembering the car crash; Jace is just bemused. To calm him down, she tells him gently, "I'll make it if you make it, if you promise."

So they decide to blood-bond. Never do this at home, kids, especially if you're a senshi. By the time next season, Jace and Jack will be emotionally and physically bonded in a way you don't want to be with anyone. However, it's agreed it would make for absolutely fantastic sex.

Jack cuts himself on his palm; Jace mimics the scar Jack got from his car accident and slashes along her shoulder. They mingle their blood and Jace remarks aptly, "My shirt half off and both of us bleeding. Zombie cult, anybody?"

They're bestest friends now. Awwww.

"Sometimes the best family you get is the kind you find yourself." If they're family, they're the kind written by VC Andrews, and you know it. Slightly shy with each other now, Jack walks her to his door.

It'd be adorable if it wasn't so bloody freaky.

Next.

Chapter Nineteen

This chapter is called such because it -is- huge oodles of fun. What do you get when you take Tyche and Heph, put them on a training run with a bunch of n00bs, and put them up against three Romanus? Hugely funny chaos.

Hephaestos and Tyche want to train up some of the greener senshi - in specific, Hecate and Persephone. Neither Hecate and Persephone like Heph very much, but Tyche's there to be sexy and smooth out the wrinkles.

A training fight is offered between Heph and Hec, but it unfortunately never comes to pass, which I find sad, because now I have to wait until Season II for the catfight. Maybe Season III.

On the other side of town, Gwyn, Priss, Lissie and Rayya are having a couple of drinks and entertaining hot Italian men. The first three want to go fight; Rayya declines. She's got to go home and play Nurse to Wade, who currently has the flu. Cue catcalls and open ponderings as to how much nursing Rayya will give Wade. The first three exit to go and have a punch-up Russell Crowe style.

LISSIE WUZ HERE & SHE SAYS YOU GUYZ ARE DISGUSTING, GERM-RIDDEN PIGS. NO WONDER HER MOM BECAME A LEZBIAN. ANYWAY, LEARN THE POWER OF SOAP AND CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES OR FEEL THE WRATH OF THE FUTURE WORLD DICTATOR AND HER DANCING CAMELS!!!

God, I love Lissie.

Persephone warms up to Hephaestos. Not literally, hurr hurr. Before she can wax philosophical about her beauty, they enter into a hot hot Graikos/Romanus fight; I'll summarize it here.

Clio takes out Hephaestos. Persephone goes for Clio. Thalia goes for Tyche, in more ways than one. Tyche blocks Thalia. Thalia goes for Hecate. Persephone goes for Fortuna. Tyche takes out Clio and Thalia. Hephaestos goes for Fortuna and they have a punch-up the likes not seen since a really crappy soap opera. The Romanus run and the Graikos all go home to Tyche's house and have a pizza.

Well, they skimp on the pizza, but they do go home to the Reilly slum.

Jace has a concussion, so she decides to make a slumber party out of it all. Rhia and Wilma tease Jack for a little, then they skip home off to a cab; they mug Jack for it, and the original end to the story had to be ported over to a sidestory all of it's own because it was too long. Next!

Sidestory - Seven Minutes

Takes place immediately after Hazing Is Fun. Jack is busy tucking Jace up as she's suffered a head injury and they're having a supercool slumber party, though no marshmallows or Leonardo DiCaprio is in sight. It all goes to pot the first moment Jace mentions that her big secret is: she's never been kissed.

Oh, dear.

Jack immediately hmms and haws and changes the subject. Kisses are discussed. Jace's naivete is amusing; "Where the hell are you supposed to put your face?" She downs herself a bit and Jack immediately remonstrates her. No, bad Jace. No putting yourself down. Unhappily, Jack is blind; he seems to think that Jace is pretty purty-lookin'.

FUN FACT: Jack is blind.

They get to talking about an old highschool game Jack used to play in the wild days of his tender youth - Seven Minutes, being locked in a closet with the member of the opposite gender and having to pash them for a bit. "What usually happened was a lot of panting and then a quick kiss," Jack says cynically. All this would have been fine had Jace not said the magic words: "Kiss me."

"Because the sexual tension between us is killing me as well as making the audience uncomfortable," she should have added.

Jack agrees, unwillingly, though he hasn't snogged anybody for like a year. One innocent kiss passes between them, then Jace demands a rematch. Cue a couple of pages where an innocent kiss turns into a full-blown educational pash, which Jace eventually ends with the panting hint that they should stop, because - The because is usually left to the audience to decide what, and they stop.

Still the bestest of best friends, they decide that that was jolly good fun, cuddle up together and fall asleep. The audience is left staring and wondering what the hell just happened. Thank goodness for the next story.

Sidestory - ¿Como Se Dice?

Jack is a whore. Unfortunately, the story that should have been stuck in the middle here to make any of it make sense has been since lost; let's just say it involved lesbian groping between Hephaestos and Persephone, Neptune being knocked around, and a lot of cattybitching. It's basically Wilma revealing to Jack that Jace revealed to Wilma a secret about Jack that she wasn't supposed to reveal.

Suck it down.

Despite his lips being polluted with demonspit Wilma continues to crush on Jack. They chat a little, companionably, and he gets invited around for dinner once again because he's pretty. This is just a fun little friendship story.

Next!

Sidestory - Shhhh, It's A Secret

Inserted here for lucky viewers is a SECRET SECRET SIDESTORY that we never bothered to put in, but will! It features Rayya! It features Wade! It features the other Romanus! It features Gwyn lusting after Lissie! THIS CHAPTER HAS IT ALL!

So sod summarizing it.

Sidestory - Caleo

I cannot summarize this story in anything but the next lines.

Tibby: "I simply can't handle the Sexual Tension! any longer. Let's have a wild and passionate shagathon the likes of which hasn't been seen since that Oscar story with the cat."

Jace: "Okay!"

*pregnant pause*

Tibby: "So, should I use protection?"

Jace: "Naaaaah."

*a couple of hours later*

Talos: "I got to watch. Hurr hurr."

*switch*

Jace: *smoking a candy cigarette* "So, spend the rest of your life with me."

Tibby: "Sure. It's not as if that life will tragically be cut short in a matter of a few hours."

Jace: "Nothing can go wrong. Let's cuddle."

Chapter Twenty - Love Is A Battlefield

Takes place directly after Caleo. Sophie and Leta are waiting to meet up with Jace, who has information about the Dark Universe attack to take place on Fleming the next day; although Perdix told her to stay at home, she's decided to sod that and face the problem head on, which is the stupidest decision she's ever made.

To her surprise and dismay, Tibby unfortunately decided to show up to tutor the Latin class. There's a little bit of awkwardness between the two of them - "So, we had sex last night!" and Jace makes him promise to leave directly after Latin. He promises. Leta's backpack squawks as Percy detects Perdix; on cue, Sophie and Jace and Leta cut class to transform.

One problem; Tibby, sent after them, sees Jace turning into Hephaestos and the gig is up.

He goes to retrieve Ravi - "Oh, goody, my last story," he says - and the two of them both transform as well; all of them meander out onto the playing field, where Bjerlo and Perdix are waiting. The only thing that goes on for a little while is a shouting match between Sophie and Perdix; "You dumb bird, get your stupid little fat feathered ass down here right now!" and so on. Hephaestos spots Horologium and immediately wishes to kill him in a hilarious scene, but is forced to concentrate on Demantoid. Just in time to join the party, Seraphiel bounces onto the scene.

So, to be nice, Demantoid drives the highschool vice-principal insane and - more dangerously - Sarin. Taunting him, the senshi immediately goes after Hephaestos.

And, of course, immediately horrified, Horologium performs Time Slip.

Moving into position, he moves in front of Hephaestos to take the blow. Everyone is extremely confused by this show of what looked like teleporting. The knife goes through his lung and the attack pushes him into a comatose state; before he dies, he reveals mostly to Jace that he's Tibby. Jace, understandably, has a nuclear meltdown. In a rather pathetic scene, she clutches his not-yet-dead body close and wails, "Goddamn love you so -much-... Teaboy, no. -No-!"

Sarin is easily overpowered. Seraphiel asks Hephaestos if she wants him dead. Hephaestos immediately says yes; Sarin has his throat slit and dies.

The others detransform as the scene begins to crawl with ambulances. Tibby is taken away. Ravi is taken away. Tibby isn't dead yet; he's merely in a coma, and can't wake up. However, the remaining Graikos are completely stunned, and Jace is turned into a complete pathetic wreck.

It's not a very hopeful end to the season. The Astronomia have a death toll that is, quite honestly, huge. Jace is a gibbering wreck out of the running to be a senshi, really, and the Dark Universe is massively powerful.

... life sucks!

onward to season ii